Monthly Archives: June 2010

Yet more processing

This morning is hard. I had a ‘moment’ where I realized that my first sexual acting out was at about three and a half. My rather clear memories of that were that I was just ‘supposed’ to do that. Now, as an adult I realize that in order to have such a clear sense of place associated with sex acts I was probably being molested at about Shanna’s age. I simply cannot conceive of anyone being such a monster that they would hurt a baby like that. But someone (someones?) did. It is becoming harder and harder for me to continue to have the self-narrative that I was just sexually precocious and any of what happened to me as a kid was by choice.

This is really really hard.


+ Today has been one of my more productive days in a long time which makes me feel way better about canceling the play date for this morning.
– I canceled a play date because I hurt my foot yesterday and shoes are really not my friend. I really like the mom I was going to see so this is kind of sad.
+ I got to see a friend yesterday and she was very patient with Shanna’s mood.
– Yesterday was one of the hardest days I’ve ever had with Shanna.
+ Bad days for Shanna are so few and far between that I am shocked when they occur.
– I am moody on turbo. I think I want pregnancy to be over because I am tired of this hormonal roller coaster. (Other people get fussy when I think they are more moody during pregnancy. Mostly this is me projecting because I am fucking psychotic. But I do think that most pregnant women are more moody than they are willing to admit. πŸ˜› )
+ Overall my kid is so awesome that she takes my breath away. I feel very lucky to have such a happy, good natured child.
– I’m struggling with feeling guilty about a boundary I need to enforce right now. The person I need to do this with isn’t doing anything wrong or bad, I just need to say what I need and that’s hard sometimes.
++++ Noah is seriously the most patient husband ever. I’m really not pulling my weight and he’s not bitter or pissy at me in the slightest. I’m really grateful that he comes home from work and makes me dinner while playing with Shanna. He’s so amazing.
– I want my body back. I am really struggling this time through pregnancy with feeling pissed off about my body being invaded. I would like to be able to wear clothes I actually like instead of whatever ugly tent will fit over my bloated body. I want to be able to sleep in any position I feel like. I want to be able to eat foods that are good for me without feeling disgusted because vegetables are nasty. I want to stop trying to eat more protein/calories because it’s what the baby needs. I want to stop taking huge handfuls of fucking pills every day. I want to have more energy to play with Shanna. I want to not be on the verge of tears most days out of frustration with all the shit I can’t do. (Yes, a good many of you other pregnant women don’t seem to be inhibited much and you don’t want to be treated like you are disabled. I don’t want to fucking hear about it.) Ugh.
– I hate technology. My phone is also broken in addition to the lack of working laptop.
+ Luckily I ordered a Netbook today so part of that problem will be solved soon.
– I’m simultaneously bored and overworked. This is part of the “I want my body back.”
+ I am actually looking forward to the baby. πŸ™‚

Bunny-System comic

I have been looking for this url for a long time. Now I found it. I am bookmarking it and putting it in several online places I frequent so I never have to search through the crappy ass archives again.

If you are a lumpy pear-shaped Goddess of sex, you should also keep this comic within easy reach. πŸ˜€

So not awesome

I am the worst fucking mood. I seriously want to hurt someone. I am angry and frustrated and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I don’t think anything in particular kicked it off. I’m overtired, but this still seems pretty unreasonable.

Yay progress!

First day: one accident.
Second day: two accidents.
Third day: three accidents and two pees in a diaper when I was just not up for trying to potty her while doing errands.
Fourth day: no accidents at all during the day but once she got her night time diaper on she peed in it almost instantly and asked for another one.

Holy cow. We might actually get through this!

Having trouble settling.

I have a rather spectacular amount of work I need to do and very little motivation/energy to do it. There are a few problems that are intersecting here to make this situation harder. Shanna is… even more festive than she was for interfering in my working. Woo toddlerhood! I am an extrovert so I really thrive on being around people, but the physical load involved in going out somewhere and managing Shanna kind of eliminates the benefit of being around people. This blows.

So I would really love it if someone would come over and talk to me while I do work in my house. I feel way more motivated to work that way. I don’t particularly need help, although there are particular chores I wouldn’t turn down help with, but mostly I would just love the adult company. πŸ™‚

Oh, and dear god I need to get some of that meat out of my freezer. Please contact me if you have any interest in the grass fed beef. Laura isn’t so thrilled about storing my 1/4 until this 1/4 is sold. (I don’t blame her in the slightest but I really max out at 1/2 a cow in my freezer.)

Toddler ‘tude

Some of Shanna’s recent amusing displays of attempted control over the universe:

(When you are trying to do something she doesn’t like, say brushing her hair) “I’m not interested in that.”

(When you are trying to get her to get in the car and she doesn’t want to) “I don’t think that is a good plan.”

(When you are trying to get her to eat healthier food instead of sugar) “Actually, I think sugar would be a good idea.”

Recently we were playing with her little kitchen and she made a plate and I asked if it was for me, she said: “Actually, this plate is for Daddy. So you can’t have it.” She did eventually make a plate for me too.

She now tells Noah that she doesn’t want him to go to work.

At random times she will tell you with great emphasis that shots suck and she doesn’t like them.

If I am grumbling in traffic she calls out, “What a douchebag!” I have to struggle not to giggle.

She is developing strong opinions about clothes. She varies on whether she wants pants or dresses, she loves shorts. She likes polka dots. She is willing to wear pink if it has a message she likes (she has a pink shirt that says “You are my sunshine” and that’s one of her favorite songs) but overall she’s not into pink. I confess bittersweet sadness about this. On one hand I’ve worked pretty hard to ensure she doesn’t feel shoved into pink. On the other hand… it’s my favorite color. πŸ™‚ Polka dots are just the bomb.

She walks up to people in random public places and announces, “I am Shanna! I am cute!”

When she wants one of us to leave a room we are in (usually one blocked by a gate) she says, “I have an owie! I need kisses!”

And every single exclamation point is pronounced. It’s cute.

I am trying like mad to get her to stop spitting in the house. Ugh. I don’t know why she picked up this habit but it is driving me nuts.

And last but not least: toddler nursing is the payback for the early hard sucky days. I love having her cuddle in and tell me, “Mmmmm boobies. Milk is better than Jamba Juice!” before she launches herself at my breast. It’s awesome. <3


So I picked up the cow yesterday (that was with the help of two wonderful ladies). I have 1/4 of a cow to sell. πŸ˜€ This big ass chunk of meat is 1/2 ground beef and then a mix of all the cuts in a cow. I would love to set up some appointments for people to come shopping in my freezer. πŸ™‚

As awesome as I anticipated.

My sister ran up and kissed me on the cheek and said, “I at least still love you.” (Cause of course I don’t love her.)
My mother thanked me for coming in a pretty sucktastic tone of voice. (I let my mother down so why wouldn’t I let my niece down?)
My uncle told me that I should come to his house at least once a week because ‘the women work more when you show up’. (I totally want to harass the women in my family to do more work for the lazy piece of shit.)
My niece’s father repeatedly groped my belly and kept making really strong sexual innuendo about how pregnant chicks are hot; this was overt enough to make Noah uncomfortable. (This guy tried to fuck me when I was eleven.)
My cousins didn’t really speak to me. (They are pissed that I offered to host Christmas so my 70 something year old aunt didn’t have to do all the work.)

Luckily I got to see two awesome women who show me what family actually is earlier in the day. I’m really grateful that I have such an amazing chosen family.

Random weekending

I love getting to spend three days in a row with Noah. <3 Mostly we puttered and got house chores done but we had a few breaks for fun. Two things in particular: we took Shanna to Build a Bear because she has often expressed that she wants a bear that is -just hers-. All of her stuffed animals are hand me downs and I think she is tired of hearing that 'x' thing was Mommy's or Aunt Jenny's or Daddy's or... :D So she picked a blue bear and named him Blue. Alrighty then. :) And she did animal role play for the first time. I thought that was pretty cool and noteworthy. She picked a duck, specifically the anthropomorphic Elmer from The Sissy Duckling which has been one of her favorite longer books since she was too small to sit through a long book. πŸ™‚

Pregnancy is all festive and such. I feel ginormous. As I see pictures of other people who are at about the same stage of pregnancy as me I feel confirmed in feeling ginormous. Why am I so much bigger than average?! Oy. Still not gaining weight. I’m currently reading Bradley’s, Husband-Coached Childbirth and it has some good pointers once you wade through all the obnoxious Christian references.

Today is going to be way too busy. I’m tired already. There will be over 100 miles of driving today. Ugh. But I’ll get to see my niece graduate from high school. That will be a good thing. I’m really glad she made it.