Don’t like my current mood? Wait for it… 5…4…3…2…1… There. There’s a completely different one.
Jesus Christ on a Pogo Stick I’d like to be able to have a consistent mood for more than half an hour. And I’d like to not feel horribly terribly depressed. And I’d like to not be so angry that I really and truly do seriously consider keying the asshole who parked next to me in such a way that I literally could not get into my vehicle. (Luckily there were more nimble non-pregnant people with me who could drive.) I was mellow for at least a little while yesterday. In between the intermittent temper tantrums and fuss.
I want my body back. I want my hormones to get off this fucking roller coaster. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I don’t know how I am going to handle four more weeks. 🙁 I’m at this place where I really need help (thank you Miss Jenny for once again rescuing me this pregnancy) but I’m pretty worried about fucking up friendships by asking for help right now because I’m pretty seriously not a nice person. (Jenny is being patient and all but she has the audacity to want to LEAVE THE COUNTRY on Tuesday. I’m going to be screwed.)
Just breathe. Just breathe.
I was up from 3:30 to 5:30 dealing various uhm physical complaints. Not my favorite. It really is good that I have my wonderful sunshine girl here to remind me of just how worthwhile the suffering is. I’ve been feeling extra schmoopy about Shanna lately even as I have zero energy to play with her and entertain her. I’m feeling some feelings about losing the ‘only’ experience. It has been so very wonderful to be able to just focus on her for the last two years. I’m feeling nervous about having to split my attention.
TBD is moving much less just lately. It’s pretty common for babies to calm down just before labor so I’m petting my belly and saying at least another week. (The birth tub doesn’t get here till next Monday.) 4 more days until I am technically eligible for a home birth. eeeeeek.
Noah is still the best boy ever. I am so so so so lucky to have him in my life. <3
I’d have totally forgotten. Today is Dore Alley. 11 years ago I went to my first one after being beaten for the very first time the night before. I’m rather amused that I simply forgot. One of these days I’ll have to get back to being a pervert.
By and large in my day-to-day life I don’t encounter much sexism. When guys in my immediate group say stupid things like, “I don’t think male privilege exists” I can kind of sort of almost understand where they are coming from enough to not whack them in the head with a large blunt object. Then I discover things like http://myfaultimfemale.wordpress.com. I think I need to take it off my blog reader because when I am just kind of going about my day I find it revolting, nauseating, and depressing that these stories just pop up. By and large I am spared this kind of shit. And I am aggressive enough that when someone tries I generally react violently and that’s the end of it. (Although there was my niece’s graduation where her father thought it was ok to rub my belly and talk in barely veiled ways about how hot pregnant chicks are. Maybe I’m not as immune as I think. Maybe I just accept this shit as part of life.)
It’s not PC in the slightest to say that I hate men, and it’s not even true. I love men. I love the interactions I have with sane, respectful, decent men. But I really resent the fact that having breasts means I am vulnerable to this kind of shit at any time. I’m not sure if I will be able to refrain from hitting the next man who tells me that male privilege doesn’t exist.
The pee test is ongoing. Joy.
The blood tests don’t indicate preeclampsia. Whoo! This is a good thing. Apparently some things are a little bit unusual and my midwife says she will be spending some quality time with a reference book trying to determine if they mean anything but she isn’t too concerned at this point.
ETA: the slightly weird stuff seems to boil down to ‘Yup. Yer pregnant.’ So completely all good. Yay for less nervousness.
Now if I could get this damn headache to go away.
(I now get to feel more comfortable shrugging off all the weird symptoms as probably Meniere’s related. Yay!)
Other health weirdness aside (test results aren’t back yet) it’s kind of crazy to think that I’m only 9 days away from being ‘ok’ to home birth. It’s of course better to wait longer than that because I have 5 more weeks before my official due date. But I guess I should start thinking about the birth and how I want to set up for it and maybe install a car seat.
I’m trying to decide if I want to move Shanna’s play kitchen out to the garage and set up the birth tub in the kitchen again or if I want to set up the tub in the garage so that I have more space. There are many good and bad points to both locations.
I need to start gathering up birth supplies and get them into a coherent organization scheme so that I can show Noah the system and he can then help the midwives find things. I should stock up on stuff I want to have in the house during labor. (Juices, easy to digest foods)
Soon, soon, soon…
So this afternoon I need to go in to have liver testing stuff done and get a container for a 24 hour urine catch. Apparently I’ve been shrugging things off as no big deal that could actually be a big deal. Things like blurry vision with little spots of light dancing in my vision (I knew that some vision weirdness was semi-common during pregnancy). Severe sudden lower back pain (not crampy so I figured it was just a weird thing). Headache lasting multiple days that Tylenol won’t make go away (headaches are so common in my friends group that I don’t think that much of them). Mental confusion (isn’t everyone kind of batty when they are pregnant?). Major shoulder pain (I figured this was from sleeping on my side for months). Sudden nausea in the third trimester (I thought I was just unlucky). Stomach pain after not having a problem for months (different from my normal stomach acid pain–I can’t tell if I am hungry or full my stomach just aches like mad).
Hey, when you list all this out like this it looks kind of lame that I’ve been ignoring it. Well… it was always just one thing at a time and easy to ignore…
*sigh* I still have very good blood pressure (110/60) and my weight gain is still rather moderate (less than 12 pounds at 34 weeks) so I figured everything was all good. Guess not. Time to head off to the lab. 🙁
Pregnancy sucks so very much.
So everyone has times when their behavior doesn’t exactly match up with their stated positions/world views. It’s a normal thing. There are a few ways this can be dealt with. Someone can more or less subconsciously refuse to look at the discrepancy and continue on their merry hypocritical way–I think this is the majority reaction really; it is certainly the easiest. You can examine your world view more closely and decide that it no longer works for you and you should change it to align with your behavior. You can examine your behavior more closely and decide that it is inappropriate and you need to change it to align with your world view. Or, as Noah points out, you can look at your world view and behavior and decide they both kind of suck and change both. I think this last one is uncommon and maybe a bit drastic. 😉
This got really really long. Continue reading
I got a new cell phone to replace my dying one and they couldn’t port my contacts. I am pretty unlikely to take the initiative to do it all by hand. If you have my phone number and you would like me to have yours this is a great time to send me a text message with your name. 🙂
ETA: I will not be responding to the text messages because we get a limited number. 🙂
(4:00:17 PM) friend: how you doing?
(4:00:55 PM) me: my nose is running like a faucet, I’m flippin hot (and not in any good way), if I stand up for more than about 3 minutes I’m super dizzy
(4:01:06 PM) friend: that sounds sick
(4:01:11 PM) me: But mostly I’m in good temper, which is rather surprising.
(4:01:29 PM) friend: you usually are whenever you’re doing what you think is right, and its hard
He went on from there, but that’s the bit that made me laugh in a cheerfully self-mocking way. 🙂
When you tell someone else they should feel guilty, you are no longer dealing with guilt. You are dealing with shame. I believe that shaming people is wrong. Do I feel that every infant deserves a full-term breastfeeding experience because that is what is best for children? Yes. But I also feel that nursing is a dyad relationship. If the mother feels that her ability to adequately parent her child will be compromised because she will feel ill will, pain, hostility, resentment, etc towards her child then I am not sure it is actually in the best interests of the dyad to nurse. I feel it is sad when mothers don’t want to nurse, when they don’t even try. But a lot of why I feel that way is because I had a very easy experience breastfeeding.
I 100% believe that women should be encouraged with great vigor to give it a shot because even a couple of days of colustrum is better than nothing at all. But if a woman decides not to nurse… you know, I can’t see how me climbing on a bully pulpit and telling her that she sucks is helping anyone or anything.
People make me sad. Today, lactivists are at the top of the list of reasons I’m sad. Stop being such sanctimonious assholes.
I spend most of my time on lj posting about being unhappy or talking about Shanna. That is totally not representative of my every day so uhm, here’s a post that is less depressing.
Today is a good day. I got a little bit of yard work done out front. It’s been bugging me so I’m glad I’ve gotten around to it. I scheduled house cleaning stuff for the next several months so that I can stop feeling bad about how little cleaning I do. (Noah [whom I do not spend nearly enough time talking up–he’s so fabulous] does most of the ‘picking up’ so our house isn’t too bad, but he doesn’t really like doing the deeper cleaning.) Currently it sucks for me to bend over and do it so we decided that three or four months of someone else cleaning our house was a Good Idea. The vast majority of this additional spending right now is coming out of the much larger than anticipated tax refund, so I am thanking my lucky stars that we got it. I really and truly see the financial privilege I have these days and I feel so grateful that I have it. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it sure can do a lot of work towards making life easier so that you have less stress. That leads to increased happiness. So I thank anyone upstairs who is listening that my life is so easy at this point.
For all that I’m not a great pregnant person I am deeply grateful that this pregnancy is easier than Shanna’s. I’m super tired. I have a lot of random body discomfort. I’m cranky. But I haven’t puked once! I am not so completely listless that I am not functioning! I do manage to take Shanna out to play at least once a week and I’m arranging for her to have more opportunities than that with other people. I’m cranky with her, but she’s spectacular about telling me, “It’s not nice to yell at me.” Which really puts a fast halt to my temper tantrums. Having a two year old call me on my behavior is incredibly humbling in a good for me way. I really love having her.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about the sexual assault stuff and I am feeling… better isn’t quite the word but less disturbed. I’m feeling more like I really have handled things in a way that is ultimately good for me. Of course I have done things poorly at times. Of course I have not always been in the best place right that minute. But overall I don’t feel like I am a terrible non-functioning crazy person. And sometimes good enough is good enough. 🙂
Mostly I had a really good weekend. I really love my family. I have a wonderful, supportive, amazing husband. I feel like I had the most perfect-for-me little girl possible. I like her so much. I’m rather excited about meeting kid 2.0. If Noah and I combined to make one kid this awesome, what will 2.0 be like? I strongly suspect that next kid will be very very different from Shanna. I base this on the differences in the pregnancy. This kid is active in a way that Shanna wasn’t. This makes me slightly nervous because of the potential differences in sleeping habits. Shanna has been an awesome sleeper since birth. But we’ll roll with it. Whatever happens is what is meant to happen. I think that I am nervous about having expectations this time. Before Shanna I had almost zero exposure to babies. I had no idea what to expect and then she was so easy. (Maybe my memory is already getting fuzzy… who knows.) Now I’ve had a kid so I have a bit more of the ‘I know about kids’ attitude. I’d be better off assuming that I know nothing again. 🙂
So, yeah. Life is plugging along. I have 6ish weeks to go. I’m nervous but looking forward to the birth. It will be a rather different experience this time. Shanna has expressed rather strongly that she wants to be at the birth so that’s going to be interesting. Luckily nipple stimulation is a big help because there is no way I will be able to keep her from nursing during labor. 😀 I’m really looking forward to tandem nursing for some weird, masochistic reason. Something about it just seems really… I don’t know… motherly? Like even if I feel like psychologically I am not always the best at mothering my body is doing GREAT at the physical parts! I can’t quite figure out why I am looking forward to it so much. Too many years on MDC. They have infected my brain. 😀
So yeah. It’s a good day after having a couple of other good days in a row. 🙂
We just bottled two batches of mead that we started last July. Oh man. The Lotus Blossom honey is smooooooooooooth and extremely drinkable. It is perfect for right now by Noah’s estimation. The Mesquite honey we mixed with cinnamon and vanilla and cloves is absolutely divinely perfectly sweet in my opinion. Noah thinks it will be absolutely perfect once it ages a bit and mellows more. My first exclamation was, “That’s candy!” And I mean that in all the best ways. 😀
I think we have plenty of good alcohol for the next year or two. 😀
So I am going to www.spaelia.com in Los Gatos. They have some extra fussy bits for pregnant chicks and I’m taking advantage. It sounds like they are not too booked so if someone wants to join me for the pedicure part I bet you can call and get in at about the same time as me. (I am showing up at 10am next Sunday the 18th. I am not 100% certain what order my stuff is going to happen in but they would probably be happy to look it up and schedule people with me.)
This is really not normally my speed. Most of the time my attitude is, “What a complete and total waste of money.” But uhm this pregnancy I seem to be feeling differently. I think that at least part of my change in attitude right this moment is I now understand just how little time and energy I will have after the baby arrives. And I have very little physical ability to do some of this right now. Oy.
So! I am thinking about doing a spa day. It makes me cringe thinking about how expensive it will be. Yet, I’m going to do it. Uhm, if anyone doesn’t want to hear about it don’t open the cut. Continue reading
What is up with all the random dudes hitting on me on okcupid lately? I think I’ve been getting a message a day for about two weeks. Yes, I’m breathtakingly beautiful. Sure. Fine. I’m also married, pregnant, and super fucking cranky. (I am *not* listed as available.) Lame! Go away or I will post a picture of my stretch marks so that you do not find me so attractive any more!
New netbook is here!! I’m going to spend the next several days trying to figure out how to format and install everything on a Windows box (haven’t used one in… 5? 6? years) and how to stop hitting the mother-flippin track pad while typing. I will probably be sketchier than usual in responding to stuff for a bit. 🙂
Me: You look like such a kid! What happened? Why aren’t you a baby anymore?
Shanna: I’m a boy!
Me: …. Oh. How did that happen?
Shanna: It’s because I have sunblock on.
(I need more updated Shanna icons.)