As I sit here alone in my thoughts. I realize… I don’t think I’m clear on who I am. One of my problems is that I am ok with any ‘x’ part of myself as long as it is the part that is ok given my current relationship, and I don’t even just mean romantic relationships. Whoever I am talking to defines my current behavioral approach. My neighbors only meet one side of me, know what I mean? Because even when I leave the house in latex, I dodge the questions. I had this huge long thing in my head while I was nursing Calli to sleep. Let’s see if I can recreate it.
I came into the bdsm scene when I was 18. It’s only now that I am understanding exactly how self absorbed I am and I am shocked and horrified by the crap people put up with. My friends were very tolerant. Anyway. I came into the scene and immediately hooked up with one particular group of people. We went to the munch together every Wednesday and on the second Saturday there was a play party. Yes, you all know who you are. We were a very tight knit community. There was a lot of hanging out together on other nights of the week as well. I was absolutely brought into a set bdsm “community” and enculturated. That sounds pretentious. I only think of it as a culture now that I am completely outside of it and I can examine how I changed my behavior because of it.
I started dating Tom three weeks before I turned 19. He changed everything. It didn’t have to be him, but it was. In my head we had more than one relationship and I never learned to reconcile them. I was never comfortable. I took that out on him. Before I say anything else, our relationship was consensual from start to finish. He never did anything to me that broke relationship agreements. Our relationship agreements were non-standard. For two of the four years we dated (lived together for the last three and some) in the middle we had a 24/7 Master/slave relationship. What that meant to us changed a lot over time.
Tom was 30 when I met him. He had been in the scene for ten years. Now that I look around and think about taking on a protégé I have a lot of different thoughts about him. He followed the camp site rule but he was a heavy player. I’m not sure that was really and truly what I should have been doing. Now I know why Femme Car condescendingly told me that she didn’t think anyone should be in the scene at 18/19 and they should go have regular sex first.
I’m not very good at regular sex. I’m not very good at allowing people to touch me gently. I feel bored by gentle touching largely because I am so dissociated from my body that it takes a nasty whallop for me to notice. I also prefer for my sex to be fast with very little foreplay. It’s not really all that intimate of an act. It’s about getting off. I do it with such gusto and vigor that folks tend to feel positively about the experience. I guess. I don’t know. But bdsm gave me a way to learn how to touch people. It gave me a way to have physical connection with another body. Tom doesn’t have sex when he plays much. They are totally different. It’s not that he can’t but at least at that time, they were different animals. Most of the people he played with were not lovers.
I could play with Tom and get my needs for physical contact met without having to deal with the pain of sex. I am hemming and hawing about saying this because it feels like an invasion of his privacy but I explicitly asked for permission. He said he is ok with anything I write about him. I think that is the thing he gave me, both then and now, that prove beyond a doubt to me how much he loves me. He lived me with me long enough to know how I write. He’s ok with the possibility of feeling public humiliation or condemnation because of things he did. He is ok with who he is. He knows that he never crossed any lines. And he trusts me to talk about the things we did. My Daddy still loves me. Ok, end of digression.
I didn’t understand for years that we had a basic mismatch of sexual desire. I naturally default to wanting sex 4-15 times a week. I like sex a lot. Thus a lot of the quick and dirty. When you are having sex that much, it’s about the continual short burst you get from orgasm, not from the long-lingering looks you get during foreplay. Tom… well… he masturbates every day. That’s part of getting up. Which always confused me, but hey. For the first year we probably had sex 2-4 times a week. Then it dropped to once a week. Then I finally relented on condoms. We had sex with condoms for years because he refused to get an STD test. I finally decided that he would be my life partner and relented and bam, I had HPV. He told me, “Oh yeah. I guess I never told you I had a wart.” When he told me that I was rocking on the bed sobbing about how I am dirty and I brought this home to him. You see, this virus can live in your body for years and I thought I must have caught it from one of the people who raped me.
We had very different relationships. We never learned how to communicate with one another. He could not volunteer information and I did not know the right questions to ask. At this point in my life I am capable of managing much more complex negotiations because of what I learned. The HPV killed our M/s relationship slowly and then quickly. I began acting out and he refused to punish me because he felt guilty. From this comfy chair I project that me freaking out the way I did was fairly traumatic for him. I began a quick descent into depression. He didn’t know how to pull me out of it. He told our therapist that he didn’t want to do M/s with me any more because it was too much work. Which I interpreted as, “Holy shit! I wrote these contracts where I promised that if she did ‘x’ I would do ‘y’ but I was just kidding. She was supposed to do ‘x’ without me ever having to notice again and it’s not fair that she’s trying to make me work.” I had it on god damn paper that he agreed! God! Fucking! Damnit! I don’t think I ever trusted him again and I began baiting him.
But that’s another story. I’m talking about the sex. Or I was. I’m going to talk about my list. What was my actual introduction to sex.
I count AJ as my first sexual encounter. That was the blow job when I was three. I skip the rapes.
The next was Jasmine. She was a kid in the canyon where my aunt and uncle lived. She was a year or so younger than me. We spent hours and hours and hours lying around licking each other. That was most of what we did. Some digital penetration, but mostly that heavenly licking. Ok, sometimes we would lie face to face with our thighs between one another. I was… five, six, seven, eight? I didn’t live there all the time. We were both outcasts at Lakeside. Last I heard she ran away from home when she was 13 to be a prostitute in Santa Cruz to support her drug habit.
Oh god. I can’t do the full list. It’s making my body shake. I’m getting really scared when I try to think about what consensual sex I had starting around eight. Where did I live. Hmmm. Oh, well it’s probably because I don’t want to admit how much sex play there was with Michael. If I skip my rapist then I’m a liar. That’s the problem with telling the truth. It tends to not make you look how you want to look.
I don’t remember any sex play other than Jasmine until we moved to Texas. The trailer park in Texas was honestly one big orgy. It was really fucked up. There was a lot of incest. There was a lot of blatant sexual abuse. And parts of it I absolutely joined willingly. Little kids growing up in that atmosphere re-enact what they are experiencing. It is part of life. I feel it as a jolt every time Shanna yells “Stop it!” Every time she yells that at me I feel this pang of horror because it reminds me of re-enacting my sexual abuse over and over and over with all those little kids. Because I did. I don’t know how to count that as part of my list. I never have. I feel very confused by it. This is where I have issues with sex positive culture.
I want my kids to only have their early experience to sex be that some day when you are a grown up you will like someone soooooooooo much that you want to do that with them. It will be a special and private thing. It’s kind of weird and physically awkward but some day you will be so interested that you will be willing to be brave and talk about it so that you can figure out how to do it in a way that feels good. Because if it isn’t feeling good then you shouldn’t be doing it. You should stop and talk about how to make it feel good. Really. You deserve that.
I don’t have that. Not really. And I want her to. And I want to learn how to have that. I’m not topping from the bottom. I am trying to allow my poor battered body some fucking rest. I want to be allowed to feel good. I’m tired of trying to be the heavy bottom so that I can be appealing. That was what I was enculturated with in that little circle of bdsm people I talked about up there. I do have a point tonight. Hopefully I’ll get to it.
Starting when I was 18 years old I joined a little intense subgroup that focused on bondage, heavy pain, and D/s. There was very little mention of sex. Almost none of it happened at our “sex” parties. And Tom and I weren’t having much of it off stage despite the fact that I have a really high libido and want really frequent intercourse. I had to get my touch needs met in other ways. I tried really hard to sublimate them into Tom’s needs. (Want to know what is fucking awesome? I came up with the word sublimate instinctually but then I second guessed myself and looked it up to make sure I am right. That’s what reading does for you, folks.) I wore those fucking high heels and suffered for him even when he wasn’t home. I sat around our house tying myself up and masturbating while covering myself in clothespins. I was going fucking insane from not fucking. He never asked me to be monogamous. I don’t think he wanted me to be monogamous because I bugged him constantly. But it made him hot that I was denying myself something that I wanted that much.
Oh, and early on we learned a hypnosis party trick where you can train muscle response with hypnotic suggestion. Have you caught on yet? He taught me to orgasm on command. I had an involuntary muscle spasm on his order. He thought that was great. Eventually I had to ask permission to orgasm. At one point I was allowed, even encouraged, to masturbate all day but I wasn’t allowed to come without his permission. And it really wouldn’t have been ok for me to call him all day. Sometimes he would be nice and give me permission for more than one. It was an odd dynamic. Chastity play was something we did. Yeah. It was hot and I was engaging in such a constant amount of sexual stimulation that I really could orgasm that easily. I needed the freaking release.
But actual intercourse became increasingly rare and increasingly painful. Why does one always leap to animal metaphors when trying to describe a penis? Ahem. Tom has the cock of a porn star. He liked to repeat the line, “You know how there are growers and showers? One time this girl was getting ready to go down on me and she said, ‘Oh… you’re a shower, huh?’ and I said ‘What are you talking about?!'” Hyuck hyuck. But it was accurate. Flaccid he is noticeably larger than a lot of men I have slept with have been while erect. I have not missed his cock. I’m kind of the anti-size queen. Noah’s cock is just about dead average and I wouldn’t mind if it was smaller. Thank god. You all wanted to know that.
But it actually is part of the picture. Tom was probably something like #32 on my body count list and you can see that it is a pretty generous list. I was seeing adult penises regularly starting from when I was seven and living in that trailer park. At 18 years old I knew I wanted intense sex all the time. And I picked Tom. In some ways it was a really good thing. I did a lot of bdsm play in a very short period of time. A lot of it alone in a room, which is about as safe as it can get. I would really like to find out what foreplay is like. I have trained myself out of it. This is a digression again.
I didn’t know how to get my needs met in that relationship. When I was his slave I tried to get my physical needs met through bdsm play because he sure as shit wasn’t fucking me. When he withdrew emotionally because he felt guilty for giving me a disease that involved scarring part of my cervix… which might have caused problems with the children I was so intent on having… I acted out and broke our M/s contract. I didn’t feel I had other avenues available to me for getting the attention I needed. Asking wasn’t working. He was at his job constantly. When he ignored me breaking the rules of our M/s contract I became a hellcat. I was nasty to him and I started acting out in fairly public ways. He didn’t want to have to control me. When we stopped doing M/s we morphed into a Daddy/little girl relationship and that actually did a lot to heal how we had treated each other.
The problem is that when you grow into being Daddy/little girl… some day the little girl has to grow up and be a partner. We couldn’t do that together. He didn’t want to be responsible for carrying me as a burden and I don’t blame him. He could never commit to being there for me. It was too much work for me and a for better, for worse relationship really has to have enough of a balance to be worthwhile. Tom never decided that my better was worth my worse. Sometimes that is hard to live with because I worked so hard at that relationship. I made that relationship a goal and I feel like I failed at reaching the goal. That’s kind of a funny thing to realize. That’s what I did. I think I knew more of Tom than anyone ever had before I met him. That might be hubris, but I doubt it. I like to poke into people and we spent a lot of time alone. He’s a good man. He really is. But he didn’t want me enough.
I chased him till I was done and then I left. I left quickly and abruptly despite us having negotiated this long-term I could still live with him while I worked on school thing. I couldn’t be in his house. It hurt too much all the time to have it rubbed in my face that I wasn’t good enough for him. It was the whole white trash thing. I couldn’t fit in with his older, settled, more educated friends. Or so I thought. It took a lot of years for me to be ok with the kind of friendships I have now with his friends. It’s a totally different relationship now. They are people I used to know. I care about them and they periodically reach out to me in ways that make me believe they care about me. But life is busy and the monkey sphere is only so large. I don’t fit in their culture and I rarely visit. They consciously and specifically rejected mine. It’s not a judgement. They just didn’t want it.
It’s not even that, really. I never learned how to integrate my sex community friends because I have never mastered how to navigate my different conversational/behavioral quirks and pitfalls. I have a rather lot of them you see. When I think of mixing the stream of people I know from different communities I have an adrenaline shot so intense that I start to hyperventilate and I get very angry because that is a really lot of energy for me. Trying to stay present and focused in a conversation when I feel like I am supposed to be shifting my affect back and forth drains me and makes me feel like a deceptive and disgusting person. I feel like I don’t know how to just be in the room. I am supposed to be performing for the room and I don’t know what role I am in so I am reading two scripts at once and I start to panic because that means I am going to fail and then I feel abject terror because oh my fucking god here is more proof that I am a fucked up piece of shit I can’t even interact with two people at once oh my god I hate me so much and then I am angry. I’m sorry for the run-on. Once I hit that point of feeling angry with myself I instantly feel my face flush and I feel the need to start yelling at whoever is nearest to me.
Yesterday was a hard day. And yes, it is all connected to the relationship that started when I was 18 and it’s all connected to that orgiastic trailer park. I’m pretty sure I’ve never fully explained the extent of what I did in that trailer park, not even to Noah. It was remarkably kinky. In packs of children. Oh what did we do. Lots and lots of glorious oral sex on everyone. Mostly this was a bunch of little girls ranging in age from 4-ish on to about 12. Boys were around occasionally and when they were it tended to look just like a harem scene from a bad romance novel. We competed to learn technique. We knew what we were supposed to be doing. It didn’t matter if we felt awkward. It didn’t matter if we felt gross or bad or uncomfortable.
Most of it felt like shit. I don’t count any of those kids on my list. I felt degraded and nasty. Most of them were dirty and smelled. They had terrible hygiene and it grossed me out to perform oral sex on them. Have I ever mentioned that Tom did not see a dentist during our relationship and he only brushed his teeth a handful of times when I specifically asked him to because the smell was bothering me so much? We didn’t kiss. I felt repelled by being too close to his face. This is probably a big factor in our lack of intimate sex. I didn’t want to face him.
Part of our M/s relationship centered around me doing his hygiene for him. No really. I bathed him. I shaved him. I cut his hair. I trimmed his finger and toe nails. I dressed him. I shined and polished his shoes and boots. Really the whole personal valet thing. I picked someone with remarkably bad hygiene and made it my job to keep him decent enough for me to have sex with. That’s really pretty fucked up, yo. When I trailed off on doing the hygiene I expected him to just keep it up. He didn’t. I wasn’t very nice about his descent into being a slovenly disgusting… I don’t know… geek? Who the hell did I think I was dating? And then we look at Noah. Ha. I’ve given up on trying to clean him up. I try to just not notice anymore. I do pester him to get hair cuts because I think he should be looking vaguely more professional. That’s it. It’s kind of weird to not have control over his bodily functions.
It was this really weird enmeshed thing. I truly had control over Tom’s body in ways that adults don’t normally have control over other people… and yet I wasn’t in control. It was weird. Now as a 30 year old who has been married for five years I understand some of the bdsm we did. I can see how doing some of those things with Noah would build intimacy if done as a one time special occasion thing. Or even as something it is ok to ask for once in a while. But it was my job with Tom. It was my job to care for his physical body the same way I now care for my children. It was a fucking pain in the ass. But it was intimate.
A kind of weird false intimacy. One emotionally distant pillar of the community asshole told me, “It’s good that he got you young. This way you can be trained right.” All the older people chuckled. I got so angry I wanted to beat the ever-loving-shit out of all of them. I felt completely enraged. I wasn’t very interested in being trained. I was interested in being appreciated for the things I did and acknowledged for the ways I behaved naturally. I enjoy caring for people. Ok, periodically I go through these periods where I feel enraged by the pointlessness of my life… but that’s a different issue. There has to be balance.
I like caring for people and I like teaching people to be self-sufficient so that if my care is withdrawn for some reason they are able to carry on as if I was never there. I like to get things on a well ordered clock. This is why I normally retreat to a room alone and refuse to interact with anyone when I’m having rage issues. My rage issues arise because I am all of a sudden confronted with how little control I have over the people around me. Someone is standing in front of me with a stunned deer look. I should say, “May I get by” if I want to get through an entry way. Instead I glare in silence as frustration and anger build and then I stomp off on in a different direction. It doesn’t matter who the person is. I do this no matter who is here. I swear to god it isn’t personal people. I get just as angry with the refrigerator. I feel so overwhelmingly powerless to control the stupid, small annoyances in my life. I feel like I am required to submit to the whims of anyone who demands from me because… after all… I enjoy caring for people–right? It has to be all or nothing, right?
Haven’t you ever noticed that the men show up for a dinner party and sit on the couch to chat while the women walk into the kitchen and ask to help? That’s true in some cases but not for all. There are awesome men who always offer to help. They aren’t in the majority. And even the ones who offer to ask will stop asking if they are told no a few times. Women tend to continue to pester. They know that I am a lying sack of shit when I say I have everything under control because they know they don’t either. Every woman needs more help than she is getting but getting help is sometimes a lot more work than doing it yourself… so we say, “I’ve got everything under control!” Have I mentioned how much Sarah has improved my life? I fucking hate cooking.
That’s not even true. I hate long-term monotonous tasks that have to be done according to other peoples schedules. I’m fucking sick of having to feed my fucking kids eleventy billion times. It’s fucking boring. I have have prepared and fed probably 70% of Shanna’s meals at this point. The percentage is dropping fast. The only reason it is so low is because Noah has been cooking breakfast for a long time. Shanna eats four-five meals a day. And it’s not just snacking. I can’t believe how much that child eats.
So my intimate life with Tom became about me caring for his hygiene and enduring as much pain as I possibly could while complaining as little as I could manage. While still being entertaining for the people who were watching because he really only wanted to play when people were watching. I was his slave, not his girlfriend. We supposedly had a concurrent girlfriend/boyfriend relationship… kinda… We certainly did some vanilla things together and had fun. We traveled but I’m a shitty traveling companion.
I could both see and not see Tom. It’s only now that I understand that I feel like it was a failure because I was trying to be prescriptive of our relationship rather than descriptive. I couldn’t just be in a relationship with him. I had to name it and write out a long document of how it would go and we both had to live up to it or it wasn’t a real relationship. We failed at doing what we said we were going to do. That’s hard to live with. We tried so hard to grow past the end of our M/s but we couldn’t. He wasn’t a good match for me as a partner.
That is a lot of why I put Noah on the pedestal I do. I dated Noah through the last six months of my relationship with Tom. He even spent the night and I slept between them. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t deal with the increasing separation from Tom. He didn’t want to marry me. He didn’t want to have kids with me. What did he want? He wanted me to wear horribly uncomfortable shoes and allow him to cause me pain while I smile for the rest of my life. Uhh, no thanks.
It’s actually kind of nice to think of it as a role I was auditioning for and I rejected it. It wasn’t right for me and he didn’t think I was worth much without that. Ouch. I think that’s what I grieve. For years he called me One. Because I was that special. He had finally found the right one. I would have let him do anything to me to prove how devoted I was. I could not come up with scenes that were dirty or painful enough or dangerous enough to quench the need I had to prove that I loved him. Being there wasn’t enough. I wanted him to constantly test me. I demanded that he do so. He got sick of it. He’s a good guy. He can only abuse his girlfriend so much before he wants to go do other things, you know?
If he could have handled switching to having sex all the time we could have had a chance. But only having sex eleven times in the last year meant it was a no-go. That’s ok. Noah is awesome.
I want to explain more about how that little bdsm group shaped me. There was a gentle constant pressure to behave submissively. We had a lot of puppy-pile bdsm and a fairly rigorous lack of switching at an event. People were expected to be one way all the time, even if they switched elsewhere. Or when Tom and I switched in public… it was always understood that I was his slave giving him physical sensations he wanted to experience because it was my job to please him. An awful lot of it I didn’t enjoy. It was my absolute responsibility to be gung-ho and do what he wanted and perform sexual enjoyment to fulfill his fantasies. I’m not turned on by cross dressed men. I’m just not. I don’t think there is anything shameful about it. I don’t think it’s bad. I can think it is fun to put makeup on someone. But seeing a man in a dress does not inspire me to have sex with that man. Tom is actually quite into cross dressing and being “forced” to do things.
Even the sex that was available to me was sex I frankly wasn’t interested in. It’s kind of remarkable the store of guilt I have for not enjoying more of our relationship. I forced myself to stay in it and stay enthusiastic long after it was apparent we weren’t a match. I learned to do that. I was specifically taught that sex was something fairly unpleasant (hygiene, specific activities that hurt) but parts of it feel good and you are required to be available for it at all times with anyone who asks. I’m very angry with myself for the amount of time I have been demanding that guys perform in a set specific way because that is how I trained myself to get off. I refined it with Tom. Because the way that I push people to treat me is often fairly unpleasant. But I egged it on. It was my initiation.
Why do I keep insisting on having sex that hurts me. Maybe instead of looking for a medical assist on not tearing vaginally I should start with foreplay. It sounds obvious, doesn’t it? But it’s not really an option in my life right now. If sex lasts longer than about ten minutes it becomes really painful because we don’t have a good place to have sex. I want to get it over with too. I think that Noah is kind of tired of my mixed messages that I am upset about not having foreplay but I push him really hard to just get it over with already because my body hurts.
I’m tired of having my body hurt. I’m tired of being hurt. I want to be touched gently and that means modeling it for my wild animal children. It’s very hard that they hurt me all day long. They don’t mean to. It’s hard to control all those pointy little joints. They love me so much that they want to cuddle me all day long and climb on me like monkeys. Mt. Mommy is the best ever. And I sit there and with every jab of an elbow, every kick, every knee dug into me… I’m tired of pretending to be happy while I am being hurt by people who love me. So tired of it.
Then I hide and feel guilty. Wanting to be away from my children feels like a sin. Like I am abandoning them. Like I am the thing that their whole fucking world is pinned on… For most of my life my mother was the only consistent person. I lived with her more than I lived with anyone else but I moved constantly and I wasn’t always with her. I had to constantly adjust to new rules and new expectations of me. If I didn’t perform appropriately, instantly, I was punished. It was for my own good. I had to learn. I wanted so badly to learn and perform and be a good girl.
I really wish fewer of the lessons had been about sex. I wish fewer of them had come from new neighbors. When I would go over to play at the houses of my new friends in Texas I would wander by the bathroom door. One of the step fathers spent a lot of time in there supposedly peeing while sitting down. Most of the time he was masturbating and waiting for us to show up. We helped. He smelled really bad. His hair was dark. He probably shaved about once a week because he was pretty shaggy a lot of he time. His breath was foul. I remember him asking me, “Here, won’t you touch it?”
I wanted to vomit from the smell, but I stepped in and did it. I don’t think it occurred to me until much later that I could have said no. I was seven. I didn’t believe I was allowed to say no when someone dropped their pants and told me to do something with what I found. That step father only ever had us masturbate him with our hands. He didn’t touch us. It barely even counts, right? I don’t consider him a rapist. I don’t really consider myself his victim. We were just fucking around, right?
If someone did that to my daughter I would castrate him. I think that is why I need to have my lovers not interact with my children. Noah has a good healthy respect for me and a bone deep understanding of me that frankly freaks me out. I trust him because of this. I do not trust the men I have transgressive relationships with. I just don’t. They’ve already proven that they have no respect for the rules of society, why exactly should I trust them around my kids? They have proven to me only that they have a moral code that is transgressive… not that they have a moral code that aligns with me. The only way to prove that you have a moral code that aligns with mine is to absolutely only behave in ways that you agree in advance to behave. Tom didn’t do that. Do I think Tom would hurt my kids? Oh give me a fucking break, no. Not in a million years. I don’t think Tom has it in him to hurt a child. Most perverts are actually pretty helpless people. They are so petrified with guilt and shame for the things they want to do that they have to go construct this little other-life where they get to be their “real” self. It’s not integrated into your whole person.
Unless you want to be really socially transgressive and rude about the fact that you like kinky sex. You want everyone in the fucking coffee shop, including the five year olds, to hear about it. No thanks. I don’t want that in my life any more. I need to start monitoring myself better. I’m just as guilty about this as other people. I take on that persona when I am out with that kind of group. Now, I want to specifically say one thing. It’s not about clothes. I don’t care much about someone wearing clothes that are explicitly “adult” where children might see them. That is something a parent is supposed to help their child learn to navigate. I actually think that is healthy. There is a range of human expression out there and kids have to learn to navigate it.
But I think that should be done much more slowly than other people do. That’s ok. As I’m dealing with the intensity of my feelings about this topic I realize that I will be fine with my kids “overhearing” those conversations in coffee shops once they hit 11, 12, 13… whenever they are obviously starting to have hormonal surges. Because then we can talk about them and I can present my values. I don’t want people out in the world to really change. But I do want to be very very careful about who I bring around my kids when they are little. I don’t want to be asked what porn is yet. I love my friends, but I never associated with them in contexts where they watched their mouths. So I don’t believe they can.
Most of this is because when I am around those friends I bring it up. I am so desperate for adult conversations and flirting that I will take it any chance I can get it. And then I feel like I am crossing lines. And then I flagellate myself for days.
I hope I had a point somewhere. It’s time to go have breakfast.