Day 1

I am having feelings. Noah and I aren’t communicating very well about what I should or shouldn’t be eating so dinner wasn’t “clean” and right this second I amĀ flipping out that I had a day that shitty so that it doesn’t “really” count as day one. I want to beat my head on concrete so fucking bad.

I didn’t feel good for most of yesterday.

For breakfast I ate: puffed rice cereal (which possibly has apple juice in it so it probably doesn’t count as “clean” anyway. I want to jump off a cliff) with almond milk, banana, and pecans.

I had lots of turkey bacon as snack.

Lunch: more turkey bacon, brown rice, raw carrot. I probably shouldn’t be eating raw vegetables at all during this, but I don’t have a lot of food options right now.

Dinner was pad see ewe. I very carefully ensured that the noodles were gluten free and the soy sauce was gluten free (soy is a tricky thing–I’m not supposed to have tofu but a little soy sauce is on the IBS approved list though it isn’t on normal elimination diet lists) he added corn starch, which is borderline but I approved it. This morning he told me he added egg. I’m not supposed to have egg. Which means that all the leftovers, which I was counting on, I shouldn’t eat.

I am not happy at all this second. My body hurts so much. I don’t know how I am going to do this.

I feel like shit and trying to do better is pointless because well meaning people are helpful. I want to die. It will not be possible to stop hurting until I am dead.

I think I am going to have to be responsible for 100% of my food. I can’t do this. I can’t try this hard and sit very still all day because I feelĀ so sick and have Noah come home and helpfully make dinner that means all the feeling shitty was stupid and pointless anyway.

I feel stupid and I want to die. I want to hurt myself so much. I am so upset.

See, this is why I just live with permanent terrible diarrhea.


5 thoughts on “Day 1

  1. K

    So this is what I recommend for anybody starting a restrictive diet:

    Make lists. Obviously Noah needs a list of the common foods that you can’t have. But typically my recommendation is to just make “yes” lists. Make a list of your “regular” meals that are safe. Maybe that ‘s steak and rice, no butter. Maybe that’s baked s&p chicken and potatoes fried in bacon fat. Be as specific as you need to be for clarity.

    Make a list for each type of meal (whether that’s breakfast/lunch/dinner or meal/snack/sweet, whatever makes sense for you). As you discover or think of more meals, or make changes to your diet, your lists will change. Keep them where you can refer to them when you need to eat (on the fridge or taped to a cabinet). So when you’re stressing and can ‘t think straight, you can just look at the list and know exactly what is safe without analyzing everything afresh.

    And it’s okay to put a bowl of raw carrots (or anything else) on the table and have that be the girls’ veg that you don ‘t eat. Your kids are old enough to understand what is going on. And remember that just because it’s on the table doesn’t mean *you* need to eat it.

    It is hard, and it’s going to be hard for at least the first week. I usually struggle the first two weeks, but then it starts becoming routine. ::hugs::

  2. Dana

    Troubleshooting bodies is so damn hard. I haven’t ever managed to figure out my morning diarrhea because as far as I can tell, the short list of things that can cause it these days includes garlic, rare beef, leafy greens, alcohol, crying, anxiety, and anxiety medication. There’s no way I could turn off the anxiety predictibly long enough for any sort of elimination diet, so…maybe we’ll get freeze dried poop pills soon and be able to fix our guts that way. It’ll happen eventually, microbiome correction.

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