Slightly less fucked up than yesterday

Well I’m not waking up crying. That’s good. I feel less jittery and scared. I feel less like I need to die because I am a piece of shit. That’s probably good too.

Somehow I feel more ashamed of myself talking about the abatement of suicidality than I do about reporting it when it is happening. I don’t talk about wanting to kill myself for attention–if I did it would be a big fat fail. I don’t get extra attention when I’m suicidal and I’m pretty nasty to people who want to pop up then. I am kind of like a wounded cat. I want to crawl under the house and be left alone until I feel better.

When I feel shitty already I am going to lash out at every person who walks by whether they are trying to help me or not. Sometimes trying to help me is a big red flag. “What do you want? Why are you doing this? Clearly I need to drive you away.”

I’m very scared of being 5150’d and part of the reason I talk about being suicidal as much as I do is so I have a long track record to defend *not* going into the hospital. I am more likely to survive if I am left in the nest I carefully created for myself.

Yes, my behavior and my words can seem scary to other people. I am doing better than I did. I have improved. I *am* more healthy. No, I’m not where other non-traumatized people are… I never will be. I can never undo the past.

I feel both very bad and good about the fact that my kids understand “down” days. Today is a day when mom is going to cry a lot and not be good at answering questions–it isn’t personal and it isn’t a reflection of how much I love you. I’m trying my best and sometimes I can’t be chipper and entertaining.

I tell my kids, “People are shaped by the experiences they have. It is part of the reason I am so protective of you both. You will not have to remember back to horrible events that shape your whole life. You will be whole and able to make what you will of the future.”

Yesterday they played at the park for three hours. Mostly I could see their clothes in the pack running around at a great distance and that was all the “supervision” they had.

Well, I heard one kid yelling at Shanna for her foul mouth. He did so because his mother told him to. Shanna was bragging about how “bad ass” she is and he didn’t like that language. I didn’t hear Shanna’s response but I doubt she is going to drop the phrase because this kid yelled at her.

And it begins.

Also, the daycare lady at the gym told me she had to scold Shanna for her “attitude”. I kind of said, “Hmm” and nodded. Shanna is going to get scolded sometimes. That’s life. I sincerely doubt some random woman telling her that she must respect Miss Foxy is going to change her personality much.

My girls are not going to be quiet and demure in the ways people expect girls to be. I’m ok with that. I have never seen boys get “scolded” for “attitude” the same way I see girls get reprimanded. I’m sure it does happen. My vision is not omnipresent or anything. But I’ve seen it happen to an awful lot of girls. You aren’t being respectful (meaning quiet) enough.

What-fucking-ever.

Well, if Shanna is so rude that she gets banned from daycare then she will learn a lesson. Otherwise I don’t feel a need to get involved or care.

I love you. I think it is ok that you have lots of attitude. Noah has been having trouble with Shanna’s attitude lately too. Mostly because of a specific phrase that she picked up from me. So I don’t give her shit for it. She likes to respond to questions/orders with “Seriously?” just like her mama. I respond in exactly the same tone without any rancor. I don’t mind or find it problematic.

My kids respect me. I’m not worried about them using a tone of voice that “doesn’t sound respectful enough”. I have always thought that was a petty need to control.

Which is to say… I don’t flip out when they are disrespectful in the ways I model and I have other disrespect triggers. *cough* Like a proper hypocrite.

want forceful, aggressive children who can assert themselves in just about any situation. I want bossy girls.

I tell them all the time, “Who is my wonderful bossy little plan-having girl?” They beam.

My girls believe that “being bossy” is synonymous with “having a plan” and that is fucking awesome. Have a plan. Tell people how to do things. That’s a positive trait. It will serve you well throughout your life.

And it is time to go.

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