Just can’t.

I feel guilty, but I can’t sit at the table and watch them eat this morning. They are eating pancakes and muffin and eggs. I’m eating shitty rice cereal with shitty rice milk. I’m having grape juice so I can handle swallowing pills. I literally can’t do it with water. I throw the pills back up.

I feel bad physically. This morning started with several bouts of violent diarrhea. I feel sad and yet hopeful. I hope it was the egg. I hope. I pray. I hope I have one indicator god fucking damnit.

I’m trying to not take my extreme grumpiness out on every one around me but I am not sure how successful I am being. I’m apologizing a lot. I don’t really think it makes anything better. But I don’t have the pause before I emote asshole-ness and there isn’t anything else I can do but apologize.

I’m feeling like I should stay home pretty indefinitely and not talk to anyone. I’m not a nice person. It is hard to be polite enough when I feel like this. I mostly managed to stay civil with the moms at the park yesterday (I think) but it is really hard to monitor my tone when my body hurts like this.

I feel like I should stop reading about diarrhea on the internet. So. Much. Conflicting. Information. These lists of foods directly contradict one another. As in: from one dietician to another one will say asparagus is a no-no and the next says eat lots of it. Some say I shouldn’t be eating *any* rice and some say I should be eating *only* rice.

I’ve gotta say, I attained poop *with* the nuts and nightshades in my diet. Then I went one day without, had some egg, and there is an instant return to violent diarrhea. That makes me wonder if I should bother with taking the nightshades and nuts out. But egg is staying out for a bit.

I don’t think I am going to be physically capable of taking out all the vegetables. I fucking need some bulk in my stomach. And I can’t stay on just turkey for weeks. Unfortunately I have a “delicate system” and if I try to eat too repetitively of foods I don’t like that much I will vomit and vomit and vomit. My body is more contrary than my personality. Which is a stretch. I find it annoying how self-defeating I am.

For all my fuss and whine the kids and I had a decent day together yesterday. They are being ridiculously understanding of my moodiness. “Mom, it sucks that you can’t eat anything tasty. I’d be grumpy too.”

We also had a detailed, hilarious, conversation about buying clothing for the children. I told them that when they don’t care about the stuff five minutes after I buy it I feel less impetus to buy anything else in the future. They can have the basics and not a lot more. Ingratitude is a real hot button for me. Shanna asked me how she could show more gratitude so that I would be happier about buying her stuff. So we talked about sucking up and the difference between that and begging. They practiced a bit and I gave them feedback on, “That’s not sucking up that is begging–and closer to pestering than begging.” Demanding that you get something is *not* sucking up.

I found it pretty funny. I’m ok with talking about these things bluntly. If you want me to do things for you, I need something back. I don’t need groveling. But if you start bitching loudly about how something isn’t that great right after I spend money on it… I’m taking it back to the store and forget you. Especially when it isn’t something you need. You are not entitled to luxuries, buddy.

(Specifically: she asked me to get her a Merida dress for Halloween. I did. Her grandmother sent an Elsa dress the week of Halloween and all of a sudden she spent a lot of time shit talking the Merida dress and how it isn’t as nice. I was not a happy camper. Other than the fact that the sewing on the Merida dress wasn’t amazing (split seams all over the fucking place) it was a really cool costume. Luckily Pam can sew better than me and she was here when we noticed all the seams and she fixed the dress. I am so grateful for my friends.)

I talked about how I feel sad that I put effort into negotiating with her over what she wanted, getting the supplementary accessories, and I spent a bunch of money. If you start shit talking less than a week after I get you something I won’t want to do it next time. This feels really bad. I feel like I wasted time and money and I don’t like that feeling. I have other uses for my time and money.

If you are actually happy about what I do and nice to me… I’m happy to do lots for you. Lots. LOTS. But I need something back.

I don’t need 24/7 groveling. That’s annoying. I don’t need you to only agree with me and I don’t need to have you parrot my opinions. I just want you to express appreciation for my effort. If you don’t I will stop putting effort into you.

I god damn need those words of affirmation. Or I feel like I should die because I am stupid and I try really hard for people who don’t care anyway. If I don’t get that acknowledgment I feel like an unworthy piece of shit. Is it fair? No. But it is.

I figure the best thing I can do is be as clear as possible about how important it is to me. I need acknowledgment.

I feel like I’m not doing enough for my family lately. But I also feel entirely out of spoons. I could use a full week of hiding under my bed. I used to do that. Just take a week off of school and hide.

I feel so yucky. My body hurts so much. I want to cry.