Day 18

This is a really emotionally hard process. If I wake up and have a normal poop, I feel like I am allowed to eat. I’m allowed to try something. If I don’t wake up to normal poop it feels like I am bad and I must be punished with terrible food I really don’t want to eat all day. I don’t get to have anything with flavor or texture I want.

Yesterday I woke up with normal poop. So I tried a few things. Today I didn’t wake up with normal poop. So I have to punish myself more.

When does an elimination diet become disordered eating and self harm?

Yesterday I swallowed all the usual pills minus pot. I was tired before I started and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do 9 miles if I had pot in my system.

Breakfast: rice cereal, rice milk, grape juice

lunch: leftover fried rice

snack: raspberries and banana (the kids are eating their Halloween candy and this is the closest I can get to sugar and watching them eat is making me feel so bad. As usual I am not good enough to deserve what other, better people get.)

dinner: bell pepper stuffed with venison, cabbage, rice, carrot.

Yesterday I pooped at 9:30 in the morning. It was solid, formed and what poop should be. So I got cocky. I have already paid for my luxuries yesterday. This morning is not so easy.

Don’t know if it is the banana, raspberries, or venison. I god damn needed more protein. I am working so hard physically that I simply must have protein and I’m being told that most vegetable proteins aren’t a good idea yet. I have to have something other than just turkey. Have to.

But maybe I don’t get fruit any more. That makes me really sad. I’m hungry and I want sweet so fucking bad. It hurts. It physically hurts with how much I want to have something sweet. A banana isn’t really what I want but I get a few hours of reprieve from the grinding desire for sugar.

Yesterday I felt much more hopeful and happy. Today I’m crying. Today I wake up to, “Well should I revert back to rice and turkey and the three vegetables and I get nothing else today so that hopefully tomorrow I can have normal poop and then maybe I can try something?

Partially I’m freaking out because I leave for Hawaii in five days. Am I bringing a large cooler full of steamed rice and turkey? Is that the only way I will eat on the trip or will I just have wicked diarrhea the whole time?

I don’t know what the right answer is. I’m hungry. I want food. I want a variety of foods. I want meat and vegetables and fruit and I WANT FUCKING WHEAT.

Egg is the only for-sure no. The fruit might be too. That makes me very sad.

If I get to the point of only being able to eat 10 things, is my life going to be worth living? If I can essentially never eat out again or never go to someones house… is that a life?

Today I feel scared and sad. My body doesn’t feel good. And I’ll I’m supposed to eat is fucking rice cereal with fucking rice milk. I’d rather not eat at all. I’d rather spend the time in the bathroom cutting. All of this food is starting to feel like self-hate.

Noah continues to make our normal, varied, fucking tasty food for him and the kids. Eating with them makes me cry. If only I weren’t so bad I wouldn’t have to be punished. If I was capable of being good, I would be allowed food.

I’m glad we don’t have anything scheduled today. I don’t really need to talk to anyone. I’m going to sit here and cry and feel sorry for myself.

This right here is why I have never made it so far on an elimination diet.