Improvement

I only slept for about eight hours last night. I haven’t slept through the morning. I haven’t done much, but I haven’t been asleep. I’ve talked to the kids a bunch. They’re about done with me sleeping through the mornings. Physically it’s a mixed bag.

My ankle (The one I twisted almost two weeks ago) continues to be uncomfortable and sore. Kicking pants off causes it to hurt pretty badly. I’m starting to think I’m not going to be able to run the half marathon in two weeks. My knees hurt as well. That’s not an injury issue, that’s an inflammation issue. Also: doesn’t seem like a good omen that I am so dizzy that walking around my house is a problem.

I’m trying to eat more calories. I continue to struggle emotionally with having a very limited diet. It would be easier to follow the elimination diet if I could also cut myself at the same time but I’m told I shouldn’t do that. Instead I’m crying a lot.

Yesterday Shanna accidentally knocked some of my food out of the fridge. Glass bottles mean festive messes. And less food in the house for me to eat–which feels super huge right now. I said her name, I put my hands on her shoulders to direct her away from the dangerous mess (shards of glass are festive, yo) then said, “It was an accident, baby. Everyone makes mistakes.” Then I burst into tears and had a hard time not muttering/whispering that I don’t matter anyway and it has never been important to feed me and…. I slapped my hand over my mouth and sat down to just cry for a few minutes. Luckily Shanna was already off with her sister again.

I am having a hard time with how self-obsessed and vicious I feel. I think I need to continue the elimination diet–I had normal poop again this morning. But this is really really hard. I struggle with being kind and patient. I suspect I might have an easier time if my body hurt less.

It is better than it was. Most pain has settled to more like the 3-4 range with only occasional spikes up to 5-6. That’s improvement!

But I feel like shit. I feel like I want to clench my jaw really hard only I can’t because I’ve already cracked a tooth and I don’t want it falling out early. It is hard to consciously keep your jaw relaxed when you want to clench really hard.

It will be ok in the end. If it isn’t ok, it isn’t the end.

I’m feeling kind of scared that this elimination diet process is going to take many months given that I’m more than a month in and I have a long way to go. I am just about to the point where I can start seriously testing food. And I have the added confusion that the woo-allergy doctor tells me he is going to clear up my problems so maybe the elimination diet is going to be pointless.

Oh good fucking grief.

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