Ha, ha, ha… no.

Noah wanted to get frisky last night. Dude.

On Monday they stuck a scope up my butt, which was already completely flipping out from diarrhea and hemorrhoids. So that means my butt is not happening.

I started bleeding about two hours after the scoping procedure and this is the heaviest period I have had in many years. I’m soaking through overnight post-partum pads in 4-5 hours andĀ I don’t do that. I don’t really want to clean the bed up from a blood bath so uhm…. no.

And I had dental surgery just recently and I had to go in yesterday morning to have extra drilling/shaping done on the new crown because when I keep my jaw open for a two hour dental appointment, by the end I am physically incapable of delivering my normal bite and they can’t adjust everything. My dentist said, “With folks like you (TMJ + panic disorder) often the muscles get so inflamed during a procedure that we have to have multiple adjustments over many weeks as the muscles heal from the procedure. So keep your jaw shut as much as possible for another few weeks to let the muscles heal.” I thought but didn’t say to the dentist, “Ahhh… no blow jobs.”

Do I need to mention that my arms hurt too much for a hand job?

So yeah. There goes our sex life.

So he wanted to rub against me for a while. I had to stop him because he was rubbing in a way that made the cloth pad rub really hard on my hemorrhoids and that is justĀ not fun.

Then he tried rubbing on a different part of me and I had an intense horrifying flashback of my father doing exactly that when Noah reached in to kiss me and his beard started tickling my face.

I’d like a new body and new brain, please?