Lots of balls in the air.

We went to pick up the Prius because Toyota said it was fixed. Before it could be driven out of the parking lot a warning light came on. Toyota sent us home with a rental. But that’s pending more dealing with and maybe more paying for fixing things and who knows what.

The dishwasher is due to be installed today. I can’t wait. I have a full kitchen of dishes and I’m not fucking hand washing them all.

I have contacted half a dozen lawyers and left messages. Haven’t heard back. It’s kind of a bad week. Shit.

Talked to my shrink yesterday. I felt guilty because I try not to pester her outside of my sessions. She said it sucks but it isn’t as big of a deal as I’m afraid of it being. Oh god.

Oh, and Christmas is in three days. Maybe I should wrap more presents. I have everything. Although we haven’t discussed what we are eating on Christmas. Might be smart to plan ahead.

I haven’t heard back about the only plans I attempted for this coming weekend. I guess we are just sitting at home till the court date. That’s probably for the best.

I’m medicating and reading and trying to not cry or have a bad tone of voice. The kids are SUPER snuggly because they can tell I’m upset. I feel like I’m really getting to the point where I’m straining the amount of understanding kids should give their parents. This elimination diet has been rough in a few ways.

Luckily I’m on gluten, dairy, and eggs without a problem. I’m still wussing out about a lot of the high fodmap vegetables. I’m trying classes of food at a time. I should probably wait till after Christmas, chill on sugar, dairy, and eggs, and see if I can handle some of the known fruit/vegetable irritants. Have to get the body working better soon. Running out of time.

Too much to do. Can’t sit home being sick.

I haven’t looked around the house or the yards for all the projects I’ve made no progress on in months. I just can’t bear to look. I’ll get back to it. But it is hurting in the idle time.

I need to put together the travel trailer for one thing. Oh man.

I feel a lot better than I did. But I should stop typing. So much anxiety and sadness. I feel like a maelstrom about to explode.

This is one of those periods when I wonder “Is it really so bad if I back slide on some of my self-harming behaviors so that I have more spoons for dealing with the kids?” Robbing Peter to pay Paul.

If I went in the bathroom and cut my leg up I would have more patience and calm. I would be a nicer person.

If it’s ok for me to let doctors give me hormones to change how my brain works, why is it so fucking bad for me to do it with a razor blade for free?!

There are a lot more self-harming things I’m thinking about but listing them seems questionable right now.

I’ll sit very still and read young adult fiction. It’s “better”. I’m told.

3 thoughts on “Lots of balls in the air.

  1. Noah Gibbs

    I had wrapped all the presents I bought, then more arrived.

    We could make turkey for Christmas, if you like. I’d happily do that. And we have one in the freezer, so hey, convenient.

  2. P.

    Oh I wanted to tell you about my lawyer experience.

    I went to my hearing and they listed a change and I was like WHAAAAT so we scheduled a reappearance and then I called like 8 people specializing in my problem, only one bothered to call me back, so I went with him. My goal was to not have to accept guilt for something that was not in my opinion based in reality. (And would cost a lot.)

    I met him in his office and I told him my story. He went to court without me, discussed my situation with the judge, then needed me to go back so I could repeat whatever he told me to repeat. Mostly it was the lawyer/judge talking, I said things like “I plead not guilty” or “yes” or whatever when the lawyer prompted me to. Literally I only said what he told me to say.

    I regret this approximately not at all. It was GREAT. And for my budget situation, it was a super price. (I think it was like $2k, though obv completely different problem from yours.) The thing about this is, its a lawyer’s job to try to take your story and cram it into the legal system so that you are happy about paying them.

    For what it’s worth, I think that people lose their shit at medical offices somewhat often. I have. Given what people say about Kaiser… this probably happens often enough that they have a canned response. This is such an objectively fucked up response, almost regardless of how it played out, that I’d hope that you have an easy case. I’m kind of horrified that a service provider can file a restraining order on their client, after the client indicated that they would not be doing business any longer, like what the fuck is that even? Good luck.

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