Today I feel like both me and my therapist were “off”. I could tell what she was trying to do with some techniques and they just didn’t work the way she wanted.
I left feeling like I am not going to be able to solve my problems this lifetime. I should die so I stop hurting everyone. That’s very much not wanted my therapist wanted me to get out of the appointment.
“You don’t change because you like being this way.”
I should try harder to be ashamed of myself and not like anything about the effectiveness of my personality.
Me getting angry is scary to people. My interpretation of today’s session is that since I know that my anger scares people it is all my fault if bad things happen if I express anger.
She would argue with that characterization. She would say, “I’m just trying to point out that you have a blind spot. When you get angry people get scared and that isn’t something that is going to change. You have to deal with that.”
I have to deal with people calling the police to report that I am threatening to stab people. Despite the fact that I did not threaten to harm anyone.
According to my shrink, me being angry is enough to cause people to call the police and I just can’t allow myself to get that dysregulated in public.
Which sounds to me like: unless you have perfect control stay home.
I will not have perfect control this lifetime.
I feel like I should die.
It really didn’t help that she tried to get me to see how unreasonable I was by comparing it to when she wants to take her dog into any restaurant with her. Uhm, I’m not trying to do something that violates health code so your analogy isn’t really working for me.
I feel like I should die so I stop hurting everyone.
This hurts a lot. I want to cut. Instead I am going to have alcohol. It’s going to fuck over my digestion. I don’t give a flying fuck.
I can only lose so many forms of self harm today. Alcohol is legal. I won’t be drinking enough to count as illegally impaired around my children. But I will be hurting myself. The funny thing is: this is the only legal method I have. So today I’m going to fucking have some.
I can’t pretend I like me today.