Big feelings and sore arms

I feel like my behavior is pretty good, a few jagged tones of voice, but mostly I’m holding it together. A little high pitched but not bad.

Things are continuing to go really well here. Some of my friends complain after a few days of vacation–they want their husbands to go back to work. I wish Noah would never leave. I love having him around. If this is what retirement will be liked (with fewer children screaming in our faces) I’m really looking forward to more life with Noah.

Trailer hitch ordered for the van. Most of the floor installed on the trailer (worked till we killed the battery). Date scheduled with friend who works in a wood shop so I can cut the one piece of wood I need to cut. Haven’t played with the actual tent yet. Soon. My impatience knows no bounds.

I’m having tremendous feelings about my therapist. I am feeling a lot of lack of validation from her. I don’t especially feel like she likes me. I don’t feel like she thinks I’m making progress in a healthy way. I’m feeling very upset that my therapist might not think I am trying.

Court looms. Day after tomorrow. I decided I didn’t want to see my shrink tomorrow because I have too many distracting feelings about *her* to really focus on court and I need to not get riled up about other things right before I have to be as calm as I’ve ever been.

Feelings.

At least the kids are wonderful. I feel guilty for thinking about suicide when I have such wonderful people telling me they love me all day long.

Seriously, if I need fucking validation thereĀ isn’t more than living with these kids. Why don’t IĀ hear it better?

Ugh. Arms hurt.