That was a day.

Yesterday was up and down the emotional slider. Hoo-boy. I cried all the way up to therapy because it was that kind of morning. Luckily therapy went really well. My shrink mentioned things like, “Your level of activation is probably so high because you are feeling enmeshed into these situations. You aren’t sure who is being hurt and who is being protected and if you have the power to protect anyone. Yeah, that’s hard.” She earns her money. Reframing things is part of how I calm down.

Then we went to the park. It was… a slow park day but fine. I’m happy my bonus kids have been coming to the park lately. They really like me and I feel better about myself when I see them. I’m struggling with feeling disconnected from the park group. I feel like I should leave. I think it is a PTSD avoidance thing, not a real set of problems so I haven’t left. But I’m having a lot of feelings. That happens.

Then we went to see our accountant. He was kind of overwhelmed by the number of accounts and activities we did this year. Several new investment accounts. Business stuff is multiplying in a lot of directions. It was… validating and awesome. Clearly we are handling our money well. I’m proud of myself.

Then we went off to meet up with the charity speaking gig. It… was not all one could hope. When the fellow organizing says he doesn’t know much about you other than that you are married to a cool guy so you must be cool. Oh, and he made sure a woman is speaking at every stop on the tour this time. “JUST GIVE ME A WOMAN.”

Wow. I feel… wow. I’m not going to be doing that again. The talk was fine. I feel like Noah and I did reasonably well. I’m not going to bother saying the name of the charity event because then I might feel bad for shit talking. The other folks were less inspiring than they wanted to be.

And I am low on patience for white boys who think very highly of themselves. Additionally: stimulants do not make you as much cooler as you think. They will in fact probably have a negative effect on your personality. That whole talking over people thing? Stop it. Don’t defend yourself in the middle of someone else’s talk. You look like a schmuck.

I get very angry when people ask me a question and then cut me off before I can answer telling me that I can’t say that. It’s a very bad way to become my friend. It’s a good way to ensure that I will instead spit on your grave.

So yeah. The speaking gig was not all it was cracked up to be. Blissfully showing up last night means we won’t be doing the 15th. Good. I am not interested in wasting more of my life on those clowns.

That’s kind of an awesome feeling. “I’m too good for you. Go waste someone else’s time.” I’m so fucking grateful I don’t have to work in the tech industry. I like my friends who work in tech. I don’t like everyone else who works in tech very much. And oh man the dripping condescension about how Uber is going to improve the whole world? Someone’s been drinking some fucking Kool-Aid. (Yes, I know it is a reference to a doomsday cult.)

Today our wonderful friends are sick. So we have an unexpected down day at home. Oh thank goodness. I have emails to respond to. The kids are happy to rest. Tomorrow is a gardening day. I’m thrilled that it is raining today. It will soften up the dirt nicely. (I’m not actually “happy” that our friend is sick. Seeing her would have meant acupuncture for me which would have done loads to reduce my pain and anxiety. But you have to find a silver lining.)

Yesterday was also a fabulous day because I got two email communications that thrilled me. One was a friend confirming social plans before we leave on the trip (have to wedge people in while we can) and the other was from a mom who is happy to help me resolve some issues between our kids.

I feel so grateful for the willingness to work on an issue. I started crying from relief when I read the email. You aren’t going to tell me it is all my fault because I’m bad. Oh thank you. I don’t think anyone in this situation is bad. I think we all just need to learn how to tweak our behavior a little so we can be nice in the ways we need to receive. People are complicated. I’m very willing to adapt to you. I hope you can adapt to me too.

I’m having a good day. Lots of rest. There are some things I want to get done–organizing the paperwork I need for the DMV. Get fertilizer. Go to the bank for small denomination bills for babysitting and allowance. I’m grateful to get a lower effort day than it would have been.

Today feels really nice. This is that Zen feeling. I am exactly where I want to be. I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing. I am so lucky. Today, people will be nice to me. I’ll get snuggles. I’ll get to giggle and play. I will get to rest and have down time to write, apparently. The kids have missed their screens.

A lot of how I keep screen time to a minimum is I keep us busy. We don’t use screens when folks are over and we don’t use screens in transit. We also have to have the house cleaned up before screens come out. They are naturally limited by the structure of our life instead of by me saying, “You get two hours a day.” It is easy to be consistent with.

I look for sustainability in rules.

I’m also looking for kids who think it is just plain easier to put things away when they are taken out. I’m getting that result.