Grief ritual, briefly

It is fascinating to me how the energy of the crowd is different than last time. Last time the crowd was generally young and very peppy. The singing and dancing and energy raising was super well done. They were into creating space.

Not this time. Whoa. This time there are people sitting on the floor with their phones ignoring the proceedings. Many people are “doing it for credit and you can’t make me do that spiritual shit.” Uhm, why didn’t you take a different class for credit? If you are so opposed to the curriculum why are you spending thousands of dollars to be here?!

People baffle me.

But on the other side of the coin, last time folks were pretty quiet and restrained about their grieving. Lots of crying, sure, but I was the only screamer last time. This time… I haven’t screamed. I didn’t feel the need. Lots of other people did though! This is a screamtastic group.

Which is fascinating.

I’m finding that whereas last time I was there very much to grieve about the assaults… this time not so much. This time I’m trying to work through how to forgive myself for following the lessons of my ancestors. Suicide is kind of a thing for my family. I feel a lot of shame for having so much suicidal ideation. I shouldn’t put my friends and loved ones through that. I’m a bad person for thinking/talking about it the way I do. But I talk about it so much because I’m trying to keep from doing it. Talking about my mental health problems is so much healthier than I used to be able to manage.

Suicide is a real problem. Existential despair is a real thing. It’s a complicated, layered thing. It’s not easy to manage alone in a vacuum.

So many thoughts.