Such an asshole

In an effort to try and feel less obsessed with my own shittiness I’m spending time on my support forum. It isn’t that they are all nice to me (holy shit they aren’t) and it isn’t that they are all on my side (holy shit they aren’t) but… they understand why I’m flipping out how I’m flipping out. And they flip out in the same ways. So we can nod sagely at one another as we hit low points.

At any moment in time on the site there are people who are up and down the ladder from you in terms of functionality and symptoms. It’s like a trout to the face. “Here mofo–let me give you some perspective.”

Perspective helps me a lot.

At any moment in time there are people who are homeless because they are like me only slightly less controlled. Not severely less controlled… it’s a slight difference. I’m not a LOT better than them at controlling my issues. Just some. Privilege helps a lot. Without Noah’s support I wouldn’t be doing as well as I am. I’m reminded of that a lot.

Even if I don’t have all the support I want… even if I don’t have all the support I “need” in some existential way… I’m doing a lot better than I could be. Be grateful for that. My problems these days are quite tractable in the scheme of things.

I am very lucky. My problems cause me to feel emotionally like a trapped child…. but that doesn’t mean I am one. Instead I’m a very blessed adult. I have friends. I have support. I even have a family. Even if I don’t feel like I do. Even if I feel like a disposable piece of shit… I’m not.