Appreciate

This will be incomplete, sorry.

I’m grateful Pam is currently in a phase where she can come over so often. It feels very good to me. She can kick me for writing about how I don’t have friends. Obviously the problem is my perception and not reality.

I’m grateful that S sent me an email saying we had plans this weekend. I need to get more diligent about writing everything down THE SECOND it happens because pot is wrecking my short term memory. I’m really happy I will get to see you soon. It is always so lovely. This on top of coming camping. I’m looking forward to a little time this weekend and way more time next weekend. I feel very lucky.

P might go camping with us. I’ve been told multiple times that she will and she doesn’t have as many health problems or work conflicts as some of my friends so it is still a high chance. This is very exciting. It is a chance to make her laugh. Getting P to really full on belly laugh is hard–she’s kind of a serious person. But sometimes I’m sitting nearby when Noah says something funny and I get to watch her laugh and laugh. It feels so nice.

R is also coming camping. R is someone I vaguely kinda sorta knew in middle school but we weren’t friends. Then re-met as adults. We don’t see one another very often but I always leave communal time feeling like the world is a better place than I want to believe. She is just hopeful in a way I don’t deal with very often. I’m really looking forward to my kids getting to hang out with her during camping.

Really, all three chicas who are camping are super-kid-awesome.

M has been making sure she checks in with emails and comments even though I’m not very good at responding. Her comments remind me that there are all kinds of people walking all kinds of roads and even when they can’t walk near me on my road they want me to keep walking. It makes them want to keep walking.

I’m going to go see M in Minnesota! I’m super excited. She was my internet girlfriend. I think she is fabulous. I met her through an online support forum and we talked and talked and talked in the midst of one of my hard periods. I’m really looking forward to meeting her kids.

D is trusting me with her children this weekend. That feels like an honor and a privilege. You trust me. You have known me for a long time and you still want to know me. Even though I surely say things that bug you. You keep coming around. You went to Hawaii with me. Sometimes when I think about you I can’t figure out why you want to be friends with a nothing like me. But I’m really grateful you do.

K lent me her kids recently. Oh my heart overflows with love. Part of what I learn from K is how to be patient with things I’m just not fucking patient with. She has very different patience than me. Not more… different. She is good at a lot of tasks I can’t manage because I quit when it gets hard. I feel like I don’t have good excuses to get my shit done when I talk to her. Which is funny… because I don’t think she views herself that way.

J keeps trying even when things are hard. Sometimes having people who are prickly spend time together is complicated. How can we walk along without stabbing one another on accident? But we keep trying because the effort is worth it.

I am hard. I get these surges of emotions and I talk about things in extreme hyperbole. I will NEVER have friends. I will NEVER be loved. Bah. What horse shit.

I was talking to Pam and she said she felt peeved (just a little) at some of my ranting about stuff. She tries to be understanding because she knows I have perspective sometimes and sometimes I just… don’t. Sometimes I can’t see. Luckily she’s not too annoyed with me. (*phew*)

This is part of that “What I feel this minute is what I feel every minute” thing. It’s not true, but it is how my awareness tends to work. I argue with this awareness and perception but it’s tricky. It’s complicated. I’m trying to get better. I am better than I was.

It is very hard to believe that where I am right now is “enough” progress for 33. I know I am not where I want to be. I hate the places where I am still delayed.

I appreciate my neighbors. I appreciate that they talk to me even though I’m emotive and flakey and difficult. I disappear into my backyard and don’t come out for months. When I resurface they make fun of me and tell me they thought I moved. But they say it with a smile. And if I stay inside toooooooo long they come knocking.

I really appreciate that they come knocking.

My shrink pisses me the fuck off and I am so grateful for her presence in my life. She is frustrating in ways I have to work through. I don’t do well with folks in her sort of general position in my life. I hate people who have authority over me.

I want them. I love them. I crave being in a subservient/taken care of role… and I’m fucking nasty to anyone on the other side.

t&T decided that since I need people to be stable they can find a way to be stable enough. It is such an unexpected gift. I have them calendared for a year in advance. Illness gets in the way and not much else.

I have dozens of other people who are less frequently present. I could not begin to name them all. These are the folks who are popping up this month.

I do see the people who are nice to me. I do. I appreciate the kindness I receive. There are days when I can’t see it and that’s not because of the folks around me.

It is very hard dealing with my inability to perceive what I need to perceive.

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