Leveling off

I’m crying less. The rate is slowing down dramatically. I feel less “activated” than I did. I’m reaching a point of resolution. It feels like I go through a grieving process when I find out that my expectations are inappropriately set. It’s not anyone else’s fault, I just don’t… let go of my ideals very easily.

I want to love people so much. I want people to love me. It doesn’t always work out and that’s very hard. My basic reaction to not feeling loved is to flail and whack anyone nearby… decreasing the likelihood that people will love me. It’s my fault, really.

But there are people who love me. They sometimes need to have very specific boundaries with me to prevent me from hurting them–that’s appropriate and good. I don’t want to hurt people and sometimes I am literally incapable of seeing what I’m doing wrong that hurts people so much. I’m grateful when people protect themselves so that I don’t damage them on accident.

But that’s not fair. I should stop hurting people.

I try. I’m better than I was.

I need to protect myself too. People aren’t necessarily trying to hurt me on purpose, it just happens. It helps that I’m wicked sensitive in areas that people don’t expect. I’m fairly unusual in how many things bother me. It’s easy to hurt me.

I don’t hold grudges against people for whacking me on accident, why do I assume that everyone else holds them against me? I don’t know.

Because I believe I deserve hatred and dislike and no love. Pretty much.

I’m not mad at the kid who kicked me. He fucked up. I’m mad at the adults who should know better. That’s complicated and hard. It isn’t fair. It doesn’t feel right. It feels like there is no right. It’s not ok to be super angry at the kid who fucked up (he’s 9… I give kids slack) and it doesn’t even feel ok to be angry with the adults who fucked up. But I am.

Am I angry or am I hurt? Hurt sure looks like angry when it comes to my behavior. Does it ultimately matter? I’m not sure. Only if I do something awful.

Have I done something awful? I process my feelings publicly. I don’t think I’m dragging people over the coals. I’m talking about my feelings. I’m saying I’m angry. Is that awful? I really don’t know.

But spending several days at home with my family has been wonderful. I like being around these people. They make me feel like it is ok that I am alive because they want me here very badly. The whole world would be darker for them without me.

And I do have friends. Even though not everyone is capable of being my friend I have many friends. I should not punish people for not being up to the ridiculous number of hoops I put in front of people.

I put a lot of hurdles in front of my friends. You have to want me. You have to actually get something you really want to have from this world from me or it really isn’t worth putting up with my shit.

I have mixed feelings about being this kind of difficult. On one hand it sure thins the stream of people who can handle me. On the other hand… that’s on purpose. It really should thin the stream. I can’t handle 7 billion people anyway. The stream must be culled.

It’s ok that I’m not for everyone. I don’t want to be the taste of some of the people who reject me. I would no longer like myself if they started liking me, and that’s ok.

Life is complicated. You never know who will stick around. Who will come back. Who will be devoted for reasons passing understanding.

You just do the best you can. If it isn’t good enough… life works that way. Sometimes someones best is genuinely not good enough. For example: the reactions of the folks in charge of the response for Hurricane Katrina. Their best was not good enough to really take care of the people under their care. Is it their fault? Boy we could argue that all day long.

Sometimes doing the best you can means lots of people will suffer or die. Life is really complicated.

I feel grateful in an ongoing way that I live in a very small pond. I can potentially inflict some emotional damage on people… but it’s of a very limited scope. I can’t wreck peoples lives. I can’t kill people. I can’t end life-as-people-know-it because I don’t have enough power.

I think that is positive.

I feel grateful every single day that I open the fridge and see a bunch of food. That’s as much power as I want to have in this world. The power to keep me and mine well fed. Any friends who want to come over are welcome–we have plenty. We love you and want to feed you.

Life is complicated. Even though I have big feelings I know I am very lucky to be where I am.