Identity

I think a lot about being “nice”. I’m not sure why. I censor a lot of what I want to write because I’m afraid of the negative responses.

Thing is, I get most of the negative responses whether I carefully consider my words here or not. It’s kind of funny. Being paranoid about not saying much doesn’t change my experience of peoples behaviors. It just makes me feel shitty.

I don’t write so that I can try to win friends and influence people. I write so that I can try to create a complete and accurate picture of myself.

I’m not always nice. Sometimes I’m a big asshole.

I feel like maybe I need to be less afraid of that. I’m not sure why I have such a problem with being perceived as not-nice. There isn’t much punishment I can take for it any more that matters.

Not really. I am a privileged mother fucker. The folks I care about already know I’m an asshole. They accept it and tell me to not do it in their direction and things work out.

I need to not care so much about people outside the circle.

This is the Monkey Sphere. It’s shrinking. Maybe my Monkey Sphere isn’t as big as I thought. I can only care about so many people in a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.