In my family of origin it was a toss up for our family motto between two phrases. Specifically: “If you aren’t for me you are against me” and “We keep our dirty laundry in the closet” were the maxims by which to set your star.

Noah and I had an intense conversation today after we sent the kids into the back yard for “recess”.

We talked about loyalty. He said he did not get into a relationship with me because he expected to be protected.

That’s really hard for me to sit with. He pointed out that he knows it has been a long-standing disappointment to me that he doesn’t defend me. I have to defend myself. He told me that he knows it is hard for me to not get the defense but he was never looking for it.

For example: neither of us was looking for a partner with excellent teeth. It just didn’t hit our priority list. As a result we are both snaggle-toothed mother fuckers and we like one another just fine how we are. Excellent teeth was not a standard we held when we went hunting.

He wasn’t looking for loyalty. That’s… weird for me.

Probably good considering I would throw him under a bus if he did something actually wrong. I won’t defend your ass if you deserve a punishment. Hell.No.

I tell my kids the same thing. If you fuck up, you are taking the punishment–whatever it may be. I will probably stand next to you so that you don’t have to feel alone… but you are taking it. I will throw your ass under a bus so fast it will make your head spin if you deserve it.

You need to deserve it. I believe Noah is a rapist because I spoke to the woman in question and she told me her side then he told me his side. Yup, he committed rape.

The thing is… I’m a rapist too. I don’t really have a high horse to stand on. If the boy I raped were not past the statute of limitations… I would submit to charges if he wanted to press them. I would think it deserved.

I am absolutely sure beyond the shadow of doubt that I will never commit rape again. But that’s not the point.

Recent events not-with-standing I think Noah is past the point of being dangerous to society. I do not feel the need to turn him into the police myself.

I believe with all my heart and soul that Noah is not a danger to the public. Or I would turn him in.

I think that he sometimes really, really, really fucks up on social clues. It is ok. I’m ok using a hammer to deliver my social clues.

I think that if he were still out there dating all of society would be owed him taking very detailed and specific classes about what kinds of behaviors are and are not considered acceptable in standard dating practices. Not because he is dangerous but because things are fucking complicated.

Not that those classes are actually taught.

Let’s not forget that when I went to a workshop on how to have acceptable boundaries I was pulled to the front of the class as an example of what not to act like because you don’t want to be like the biggest bitch on the beach.

So I am, perhaps, not the person to be teaching about how to behave appropriately during dating. I accept non-normative behaviors as standard.

Recently I read somewhere (Jesus I don’t know where) that 1/4 Americans are mentally ill. My first thought was, “That is my audience.” Those are the people I am interested in. I’m not interested in the other 75%.

You think you are fine and I have nothing to say to you. Ok

I’m broken and fucked up and I’m a survivor and all that bullshit. I look for people like me.

People who don’t need me to have my emotions off-stage.

People who want to know how I am living post-rape and if it is all it is cracked up to be.

I write about rape all the fucking time. But from the point of view of living post-rape. Living influenced by rape. Living as if GETTING YOUR DICK OFF were not the point.’

It is fascinating how realizing that your husband is out of the gene pool changes a lot of your tolerance for behavior. Aggression is different. Only when I want it. Only when it is ok. Not when it isn’t ok. Or that’s a serious fucking problem. If he were still knocking me up and I were still more vulnerable? I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.

And I know it.

Good thing I’ve gotten lucky and my husband is nice to me.

3 thoughts on “Loyalty

  1. inflectionpoint

    Wow. That class on boundaries sounds really awful.

    I get very guarded about the idea of doing a boundaries class, my previous experiences with em have been bad, scary, to downright damaging. I remember the one that was focused on women, for women, and the women in the class who kept dragging things around to what about the meeeeeeeeeen. Apparently, I’m a jerk for saying, men have the whole world, could we just keep this corner woman focused for a few hours????

    I have a lot of difficulty of my own, because my SO won’t defend me when people are shitty to me. I don’t want him to be loyal in some weird cover up for me when I do bad things that are not OK way. I wish he’d back me up when I defend myself against someone being shitty. But, it appears that isn’t on the table.

    I don’t know how to work with that. I’m figuring it out.

    So I sympathize. It seems like folks use the word loyalty to describe many different things, and my loyalty might not match with someone else. This makes trouble for me.

    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      Things with your SO are not quite what I’m dealing with. You have many layers of current problems going on. For Noah and I, mostly we are dealing with the aftershocks of events that happened before we even knew one another. It makes the whole thing really different. :-\

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