I’ve had lots of posts buzzing around in my brain. Now that I’m standing in front of the good ergonomic set-up… my mind is blank.

I feel a strong desire to break rules and “be bad”. I am prevented by a combination of “I promised myself I wouldn’t do that while I had little kids” and “oh god that sounds like effort and I’m tired.”

My back is improving. Thank goodness.

I’m scared. But it comes in waves.

Today I should probably make the invitations. We are going to invite a few people to go on the cruise. Even though a big part of me says “oh shit don’t bother.” I think Jenny (and her mom!!!!!) will be the ones coming. Ok, so Jenny will bring her husband and my wonderful niece.

I do have a family. I’ve had them for almost 22 years now. Holy crap.

But we will send them to some of Noah’s family members. And we talked about how there are a handful of people we really should send them an invitation so they know they are wanted even if they decide not to go.

Why do I give people the chance to know they are wanted so I can be rejected? Because my sense of self-preservation is low.

Because I love them very much. And I want them to know. Even if they won’t be able to or want to love me back in the same ways. That’s not the point of love.

If you can only love people who will give you back exactly what you want to give… that’s not love. That’s… something else.

Love means you tell them you love them even if you won’t get anything back. It doesn’t mean you let people walk on you or kick you, but you don’t only stick your neck out when you know they will go the same exact number of inches.

Is complicated. Don’t wanna type more.