Tut, tut, looks like rain.

I keep losing attempts at posts because my internet is spotty. Who knows if this will go up or not.

The tent is covered with a tarp. There is an 80% chance of rain today. We are inside with our screens plugged in so we don’t run out of battery. I have a power cable that can handle being snaked outside and all the “in door” cables are inside the tent. Modern living is awesome.

We went to the Little Bighorn Battlefield Monument. It was a fascinating experience. We spent a lot of time talking about the “need” to fight. The Native Americans who fought the US government… did they have a choice to fight? Did the white people have any real justification for trying to force the Natives onto reservations that eliminated their way of life?

Complicated. “We needed room to grow” only holds water if you assume the folks you step on don’t matter. What about the needs of the people who were here first?

At this point there is a good argument to be made that none of us have anywhere else to go. This globe is round. We are out of room to send people to the corners.

I don’t know what to suggest. But when the park ranger says, “But this is my home” I want to throw up on the floor.

No it isn’t, you colonizing piece of shit.

If you steal something, does it become yours? If you take a piece of earth that folks believe belongs to no one and decide that now it is all yours… does anyone else have to care about your broken as fuck beliefs? You are disgusting.

I am disgusting. I am a white colonizer. But I have no where to go. Europe doesn’t want me.

I don’t know what a vibrant, loving multi-cultural community would look like. I’ve never seen one. I want to know where such a place is. It’s not about carefully balancing “We need 54% of this kind of people and 13% of this kind of people and…” it’s bigger than that. It’s more about finding a way to make diverse people feel welcome and comfortable. I don’t know how to do that.

I have been reminded recently that I’m intimidating. So clearly I will not be the one to create this multi-cultural nirvana. I will probably not be allowed to go. It will only be for people who can get kicked in the throat and then keep their voice soft so no one has to know it hurt.

I am incredibly hurt. I was pretty sure that folks would care way more about the feelings of the other family. I was right. I’m the problem. I’m intimidating. Even though I am not the one committing assault I am the scary and dangerous one.

What the fuck does “scary” mean to you? It means that someone isn’t passive when they are attacked? What the fuck do you really expect from people?

Why is it that I’m a problem and the kid who assaulted someone isn’t a problem? This sounds to me like when black churches are burnt down and the news says, “HEY BLACK PEOPLE, DON’T GET UPSET!!!!”

Why the fuck don’t you focus on the people who are a violent problem instead of acting like the victims are the problem?

Because that would upset your social order. Much easier to say that folks like me are the problem. Go fuck yourself.

I’m not saying my issues with the home school group are like systematic racism. Not even slightly. But the coping methods work similarly.

Folks who like how things are going are similar, no matter which broken system they are defending.

Noah asked me if I wanted to buy a year book for the group. Good thing I already deleted my membership so I won’t have to decide. No one from the group will ask me. Noah won’t make a decision. I can just… not do anything. Let it be.

I sorta wish that the woman who decided that while I was on the roadtrip was a good time would have instead said, “Stop SMSing me because you make me uncomfortable” instead of sending a message to the leader of the group and asking for me to be taken to task. If you didn’t feel the need to handle this in four months, then it wasn’t that critical. You made a choice.

I don’t think it is critical that this issue be handled. I don’t think there is any handling to do. The parent of the kid who committed assault said it didn’t happen and if it did happen it was all my fault. The leader of the group says *I* can’t intimidate people. The co-leader says “Thanks for not interrupting the birthday party to tell me you are assaulted.”

There is nothing for me there. I’m sorry I spent so many years trying so hard. I am not valued. I am apparently no more valuable than a piece of dog shit.

I’m due to start my period any day now. Back in Utah when I got the original email setting off this cluster fuck of upset I tried to talk about it slowly and logically with a few people. Mostly I just didn’t sleep and I felt like shit. Now I’m sleeping, thanks to mega doses of pills, and I feel less crazy and less like I will do something frantic. But I want to hurt myself really badly. I am never going to be worth defending. No one is ever going to give a shit about people hurting me. I am just not important enough.

I don’t know how to stop hating myself for this. I don’t know how to stop hating me for being a worthless piece of shit.

If I mattered, maybe the folks in the group would care that I was almost killed instead of saying things like, “He’s just a skinny kid”. That phrase describes many of my rapists. I’m not impressed.

You believing he couldn’t have hurt me as much as I claim… that’s insulting. You think I am unable to perceive what happens to my body. The intensity of me wanting to defend my body isn’t ok. Talking about what happened to me publicly isn’t ok.

If you don’t want me to talk publicly about you… don’t fuck with me.

I didn’t think the mother of the boy brought it to your attention. I know who did that. Don’t worry. She’s on my shit list now.

Specifically I was told, “I’m not saying that there couldn’t have been an accident, but I’m saying that perhaps it didn’t happen on the scale or with the intent in which it has been presented.”

Then in the next email, “I’m not minimizing!”

Actually, that is a textbook minimizing. Good job illustrating my point.

I’m not saying the little kid had intent. I’m saying the actions of all the adults near the kid are teaching the kid that he’s allowed to assault people without consequence. When he hurts people you will drive them from the group rather than allow them to be angry. Because he must be protected from the consequences of his actions.

You don’t believe I am in any danger. But I was assaulted and you are telling me it isn’t as bad as I think it is. You don’t care about how much danger I’m in or not. You only care about not having to deal with conflict in your group.

There is no chance that anyone in this group could possibly demonstrate that they care about my health or safety. They had a chance and blew it. That’s life.

If you want to come to me to address my behavior without telling me about the elaborate plan you have created to ensure that the next time this kid assaults someone he goes to jail then you don’t care about my safety or the safety of other people in the group. You care about the abuser. And you have to live with being that kind of person.

I feel sick to my stomach. I’m shaking and anxious. I want to cut so badly. I’m really sorry I tried so hard for people who are going to prioritize the “fear” of the mother of someone who assaulted me over me. I will never matter to these people.

I feel like shit. I’m sure they are rolling their eyes and talking about how melodramatic I am. I am deleting the mean things I wish would happen to you. I’m not going to do any of it.


I imagine horribly violent things to do to y’all. I won’t do them because I won’t go to jail over pieces of shit like you.

I feel so full of anger and rage that I feel poisoned. I hate you so much right now.

How dare you wait until I was on the road and my childrens’ physical safety depends on my ability to focus? You are a selfish piece of shit and I hope bad things happen to you.

I am so angry I can barely sit still. I can barely have a conversation. Mostly I’m just not talking today beyond necessary logistics.

I am so angry.

It’s that time of the month. I can clock this shit.

Only it isn’t just that time of the month. This shit started in what, February? And then the group organizer decided to “resolve things” on my nephew’s birthday. I love it when there are holidays where I’m going to feel bad and people send me shitty emails. That just makes the whole day awesome.

None of this was handled well. No, I don’t handle it well when I’m assaulted. The fact that you expect me to handle this well and there is nothing happening to the person who assaulted me…

Nope. I don’t want to know you. I really don’t. You are icki people. I may or may not talk shit about you for decades. Maybe I’ll decide you aren’t worth remembering. But you can bet your fucking buttons that I will tell other families I meet home schooling to be careful of that fucking family.

You don’t want me to talk publicly about the fact that I think I should call CPS on a family where the kid commits assault and there is no consequence? Oh well!

I feel bad that I didn’t call. I should have. I didn’t because I didn’t want the consequences. Now that I’m out of the group anyway I really wish I had just up and called the next day when an investigator could have come to my house and seen my injuries. Maybe then this kid would be given intervention from the state so that he doesn’t fucking think his behavior is ok.

For a while I was working hard on getting the kids to write letters to people. Then they asked to write the boy who kicked me. Or the kids of the woman who emailed the group organizer to force this issue to a head right now. Or the group organizers kids.

So we just aren’t writing letters because I don’t want to try and talk them into thinking about other people.

Thanks so much for caring about my safety and health. So glad you wanted to resolve issues for the good of the group.

One thought on “Tut, tut, looks like rain.

  1. Noah Gibbs

    Culture isn’t made when a thing happens. Culture is made by the group *response* to a thing happening. Especially the response by the leaders of the group. People in the group will see that response, and they will tend toward trying to impress the leaders and go along with them — that’s how hierarchy works. I got to explain that one in detail to my manager this week. Eventually, he got it.

    We’ll see if it makes any difference in the world, but he *did* understand.

    (No, nothing bad happening to me in particular. And yet, apparently that whole “tone comes from the top” thing needs a fair bit of explaining.)

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