I’m well aware that I read most things in text with more venom, hostility, and anger than other people intend. I do my best to counter act the degree of self-dislike that lives inside me but it’s complicated and it depends on a lot of factors.
I have leapt to some pretty big conclusions about the home school folks and I am wrong. I misunderstood who was doing which part and I got very angry about connections that I assumed.
Yeah, this is why I didn’t want to do this in text. Because I do this. Yes, I do this. I do this over and over and over and over.
If I can’t see your face I assume you are looking at me with dislike. Because that’s how I look at me. It’s hard to replace that with what other people might actually be thinking or feeling unless people put in years of effort.
Pam only rarely has to correct me at this time because I have spent so many hours over so many years seeing that… her disapproval is mild and rare. Mostly she is beaming with smiles (at least around me–she likes me) and that has allowed me to mostly replace the normal Krissy-interpretive-voice in my head with a voice that is… barely harsher than her real voice. It took work over *many* years. Working on it for 18 years.
There were several layers of fury where I’ve been lashing out at the group organizer because I was *afraid* she would have opinions I believed I smelled a whiff of. I could take some fragment of a sentence and run with it as “proof” and…
Yeah. I do that.
No, she’s not a mean person. She’s never done anything nasty. I’ve never seen her be vicious. She has held firm boundaries.
I’m not trying to say that she’s done wrong. What I have been perceiving is circling the wagons, which isn’t mean, vindictive, or wrong.
She has clarified since (because unfortunately when you write as the way you think, folks sometimes think you are trying to passive aggressively communicate with them… I’d write about you the same way whether you were reading or not because I’m not trying to change you I’m trying to change me) and holy fucking shit I’m a giant asshole on a few levels.
We still have some legitimate differences of opinion.
But no really, this is why I didn’t want to do this while I was traveling. There is *no chance* that I can do it without fucking it up all over the place.
I didn’t mean to drop the group as a fuck you. I dropped the group because I don’t want to take my explosive feelings out on anyone. I don’t want to feel like I should be trying to figure out who my allies are. (And I might be that kind of immature fuckwad prick if I don’t watch myself–so I removed temptation.)
I dropped the group because that way I don’t misunderstand something else and get more angry and nasty when it…
Doesn’t need to be.
I know that *I’m* the most angry one in the conversation. I know. I don’t think anyone else is going to be as difficult to talk to as I am.
I can’t talk through email. Why? Not because of you. Because I hear everything through the filters in my head. And that filter doesn’t like me very much. Everything I hear from you comes through with a tinge whether you mean it or not. It’s not your fault. It’s not about you at all. But it’s there and I have to deal with it.
I can have in person conversations where I can use visual clues to realize I’m misunderstanding. In text… They say that up to 80% of text is read with the wrong tone. Yup, that’s me.
I left because yelling in my blog isn’t yelling at you. It’s me yelling because I’m pent up and my blog is *literally* the only appropriate place for me to yell.
I know I make it sound like my superego has a tiny shred of control over my behavior. I certainly feel that way. But I’ve also worked in a lot of high adrenaline, fight situations.
I’ve had teenage boys punch me. I didn’t hit back. I shoved them apart and screamed stop fighting. I’ve had kids throw desks at me. I didn’t hit the damn kid. I’ve wrestled with many many kids.
I pull away rather than injure. I’ve already hurt too many people. At this point I’d like to stick to hurting people with having too strong opinions. It’s bad enough.
I talk about my ability to hurt people because it is something I have to be consciously aware of because I never want to hurt someone on accident again. And I’m pretty confident that I *finally* have a good grasp on what sorts of environments require more of a fight. I haven’t been in a fight in decades.
I’m a simmering ball of rage, but my self control is quite impressive.
But yeah my blog is intimidating as fuck. I think these things. That’s scary.
I know. But typing them has allowed me to do progressively less and less harm to myself and the people around me. It’s complicated.
Yes, I jump to conclusions and I spend days writing tirades about… something I misunderstood. Then I feel like a fucking asshole.
Thing is, if I didn’t write about it… I’d simmer with all the same rage and no one around me would understand just how distorted my thinking was so when I started being a fucking asshole it would seem out of the blue.
The only person I really write *to* is Noah. Because that way he can calibrate around how the roller coaster is doing today. You can’t tell by looking at me most of the time. I do my best to mask it.
I know how “not ok” it is to have this many distorted thoughts and misunderstandings. I know that a lot of people get upset. (Not saying the person who is pointing out how wrong I am right now is getting upset, but she probably is.)
Yeah. I completely fucking totally misunderstand sometimes.
I do that.