Exhaustion is a real thing.

I’ve slept eight hours in a row three nights in a row. I guess this is a good place to sleep. I am still so tired I feel like i’m existing in a mental fog. This isn’t great. There is “so much to do” and I’m not doing it all because I’m too tired.

I go back and forth between castigating myself for not being “more fun” and not playing more and feeling like most mothers tell me flat out they¬†couldn’t do what I’m doing. I am playing. We are doing fun stuff. But I’m also spending a fair bit of time collapsing. I’m so tired I can barely function.

Keep moving.

My friend wanted me to watch tv with them last night. So I paced around packing while the television was on. If I had tried to sit through the whole show I would have passed out. It was funny watching the show. QI? Something like that. A British storytelling quiz show. It was funny because the show had “laugh” prompts and “awww” prompts. They never occurred when I was having a natural reaction. When I laughed I was the only person laughing. When they said to laugh I didn’t think it was funny.

I’m just not built for tv. My friend kept giving me odd looks because I laughed in strange places. Sorry, it struck me as ridiculous…

I’m getting more of that “you are a scary, terrifying person” thing. I’m told I am much more in control than I was ten years ago.

Time to keep walking. I’m scary. It is never that other people have trouble managing their own feelings and that is a problem. The problem is that I’m scary.

What have I done that caused you to feel fear? I raised my voice? I jumped up and down? I was really angry? Did I touch you? No. Did I insult you? No. Did I say I am going to hurt you? No.

But I’m scary. Ok. I’ll keep walking.

My friend and his partner have been wonderful and inviting. They’ve been really sweet with my kids.

It is still time to keep walking. It is fascinating how I want to do these trips in large part because when I get home I relish the fact that I don’t scare my neighbors much. I’m sure they think I’m weird (they said so in my birthday book) but they know I have boundaries (they said that too).

I appreciate being appreciated for my boundaries.

I spend so much time feeling like I am just “too much”. I should “calm down” so that I’m not “scary” for people.

Maybe you being scared isn’t really about me. Maybe I’m just the one standing here but you have these feelings anyway and you want to blame them on me.

Some people are interpreted as more scary than others. It is kind of fascinating how that works. Usually it is people with big feelings who are scary. Want to know what is hilarious? Folks are rarely scared of serial abusers. Serial abusers have massive self control and they only show their problematic side to victims. Every one else sees a “perfect” person they will defend all day long.

I don’t think people who have big feelings are scary. I think they are very honest. Then again, I’m better at managing people who have big feelings. At least I can see what they are feeling instead of trying to guess through the layers of lies most people wear. “Oh I’m fine.” Whatever.

I’m an intense person. I can’t change that and I’m not going to try. I will always scare some people. It’s ok. I can keep walking.

Historically speaking I know that I’m safer if I keep walking. If I stand in one place too long I irritate people and then I must be silenced. For the good of the community, don’tcha’know?

Keep walking. Keep walking.

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