More than halfway done.

The very very very very bestest thing I can say about the trip is it is more than half over.

The person we are staying with tonight had to go out. She has plans with friends to work on dog training stuff. So she left us here with her housemate. She told him, “I don’t want to dump my guests on you”. I said we would go out to dinner so he doesn’t have to prepare food for us. She said, “Oh good. Then you can have quiet time.”

Apparently my desire to prepare my own food and clean up after myself is rude. I was told so.

When you are a guest people lay out all they want to share with you. If you request something that isn’t offered you are rude.

I…

I have big feelings. I want to move on. I want to hide. I want to crawl into a hole. I wanted to relearn that people are really different and that’s a hard thing. Well I fucking learned. I’m not doing so hot.

I loved seeing Noah. I miss him. I want to go home. I want to go home where it is ok for me to be weird. For me to do the things I feel comfortable doing.

I miss my neighborhood. I miss being able to rest for multiple days in a row. I miss knowing that I know what I’m going to do in three days. Right now I’m winging it day by day. And people always expect me to have plans. “What do you plan to do in our area? Are you going to ____ or ______ or ____?”

Uhm, I honestly haven’t heard of any of those things. I haven’t researched everything for every place we will be every day of this trip. It is too hard given that frequently we end up changing our plans. I can’t have everything decided in advance. Won’t work.

I seriously don’t know what we are eating a meal in advance most of the time. I just can’t decide. Things go bad. I’m not able to cook. I can’t plug the fridge in so I have to hurry up and eat everything that spoils. The kids have the audacity to have their own opinions. What.forking.ever.

People are clearly trying to make me feel comfortable. But it is getting to the point where people say, “I want you to feel comfortable” and I hear “I want you to make me feel comfortable.”

I can’t. I don’t know how to make me comfortable. I sure as shit don’t know how to make you feel comfortable.

I want you to feel comfortable. That is pretty much the phrase that makes me least comfortable. Because people who say that to me almost never want to find out what would make me comfortable. They want me to feel comfortable about the things that make them comfortable.

I don’t share your biases. The things that make you feel comfortable are things that make me feel wildly uncomfortable.

Know how I describe my interactions with my friends and you say, “Get new friends”? Guess what, my friends treat me in a way that makes me feel comfortable. They aren’t always nice to me. Sometimes my friends are complete and total assholes and they are vile. But I feel comfortable with them in a way I have never and will never feel comfortable following the rules of “polite” society.

I get your rules wrong. Then you tell me how wrong I am.

No. I don’t feel comfortable.

No how you told me in detail how my behavior was wrong?

Yeah.

I know.

I know I’m wrong. There is no chance that I’m going to be what you want me to be.

Too late.

One thought on “More than halfway done.

  1. Taylor

    You’re awesome. Occasionally we make each other comfortable, occasionally we make each other uncomfortable. I’m okay with that, and I’m happy to hear what you need from me (oh, and I don’t need you to make me comfortable 🙂

    Reply

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