Brain dump

I put a bunch on Twitter, because my arms burn like fire and I only had about 20 minutes on the computer yesterday. This may be a touch repetitive for those who follow me there.

This trip to Texas is flat out weird. It is going so well. I have mixed feelings about this because Noah says that part of the reason it is going so well is because I loudly telegraph my boundaries now and I wasn’t good at doing that in the past. I’m having a hard time with the idea that perhaps they are treating me like a human being because I have finally figured out how to fake acting like one so they aren’t kicking me any more.

That bothers me.

I can’t wait to see Noah’s baby sister. I suspect that things went as well as they did with Noah’s mom because of the intervention of baby sister. She said she was working on things.

They are acting more like I am “one of them” instead of being an interloper who needs to be chased off. They are acting like I am a high status person. I feel almost allergic to what is happening and yet, this is nice.

I am feeling overwhelmed with horror that I am getting to the point where upper class white people no longer feel secure fucking with me but police officers still get to assault black children in school.

The world is disgusting and broken and I want no part of it.

Yet traveling with my children gives me the weirdest hope. They really don’t recognize barriers. They are fine with people “signaling” poor. It isn’t off-putting. They sit down for a chat. “I’m from California, are you from around here?” is a great way to have people tell you lots of stories. I am in awe at how my Eldest Child continues to morph her working-a-crowd techniques.

Last night we went to dinner with Noah’s brothers and their respective SOs and they were a bit flabbergasted when EC walked off in the middle of dinner because she was done and a kid was wearing a Minecraft sweatshirt. I kinda waved like I do to acknowledge that I know where she is. The grown ups at the table were asking, “Uhm, what should we do?” Noah said, “Oh this is her normal.” They all looked at me a bit funnily and I smiled brightly.

You can get away with a lot if you act like it is dead normal.

“Yeah, traveling with her is a bit like traveling with the President. She wants to meet everyone.”

They all kind of nodded slowly and then tried to eavesdrop on her conversation. It was hilarious how they all said things like, “Wow. She’s funny. She’s getting really good at her stand up act.”

Yup. She’s had a lot of practice.

I have some mixed feelings about how hypersocial she is, but I don’t see how I will do her favors by trying to rain on her parade. Near as I can tell, she is getting the support she ought to have. She gets to experiment with people in safe environments basically all day every day. What could be better for a child who has this much need to connect?

She crawled in bed with us this morning telling us about her nightmares. It was fun talking to her about her conscious mind and her subconscious and why she has way more power in her dreams than she thinks. “If you can learn to tell yourself ‘I’m asleep and that means I have all the power in the world’ then nightmares get less scary. You can fight back.” She was incredibly excited about this concept. Thank you, Freddie Krueger movies. I’ve learned so much.

It is really nice having Noah here. I’ve been gone too long. I forgot what it was like to have my mobile self-esteem boosting service around. Noah really likes me and dealing with him is such a treat. He’s nice to me even when I’m sharp.

I really appreciate that my husband and kids act like me getting snippy is a sign that I’m over extended and we should take a break because I don’t need to get so tired. That is… whoa.

They don’t punish me for deviating from cheerfulness. They act like, “Oh poor Krissy.”

Do you know how fucking weird this is?

Last time Jenny was in the country she commented that I’m different. I’m not angry and combative like I was.

I don’t have to be any more. This is what I’m like after 9 years of safety. Imagine what I could have been like with 30+ years. It boggles the mind.

I’m still fierce and I don’t plan to change that. But I’m not looking for a fight in the same way. I’m just fierce. I just have strong opinions and I’m completely happy to share them. I don’t mind that part of my personality.

Staying with the brothers is a bit of a trip. Noah’s parents sent us to this house with a 6-pack of wine. Noah and I each had a glass. The other adults drank 4 bottles. And they had a full bottle at the restaurant.

Whoa. We are out of our league. After EC has spent months convinced that one drink would turn me into a raging alcoholic (BASED ON WHAT?! Have you ever even seen me drunk?!?!?!! NO.) she had quite a spell last night. Telling one of the girlfriends “Oh I see you are the drunk bandmate huh.” The girlfriends response was, “I have never been the drunk band mate. That’s not fair.” But it was funny? A little? Funny in a way that was just a bit too pointed?

The amount of drinking here is pretty scary. And they all think nothing of hopping in the car to drive.

We ain’t in California no more, Toto.

Youngest Child woke up. We think we might run off to the florist and get some flowers to replace all the dead ones hanging out around this house. We are the only ones awake after all.