I have to write this down.

I feel deeply ashamed. Which means I need to admit that I did this. Can’t hide things I’m ashamed of.

I hit Shanna. In the face. I slapped her. On a scale of 1-10 the intensity was between a 1 and a 2. There was no red mark let alone a bruise, but I flipped out and started crying and apologizing immediately.

That doesn’t excuse it.

She asked me why I don’t want her to feel like she is bad but then I react as if the things she does are so bad. I told her that her actions have never deserved that strong of a reaction. Her actions do deserve a reaction, but not of that intensity. I lost control. If I was in control I might have yelled, I might have put her in time out, I might have more calmly had a discussion. Instead I felt insulted and I smacked. That was wrong.

Today started out hard and went downhill. The day started with me getting woken up by a kick to the face. Then screaming and jumping on the bed for the next half hour. I don’t wake up cheerful under such circumstances. The driving and such was actually fine. But the previous two days were really long drive days. I got to do most of setting up camp tonight in the dark. So yeah. I snapped.

Part of the problem is that both kids keep asking me for tasks and then not doing the work. They ask for a job then won’t do it. I’m out of patience and that’s a problem.

I’m just praying I don’t fuck up bigger in the next 18 days. I’m so tired. I hurt so much. I feel so awful.

I’m done. All my joints hurt. My head has hurt for days. I feel worn to the bone.

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