My hands hurt. So I won’t write much.
My shrink is unhappy with the hair pulling stuff. She says we are probably going to spend the whole next session talking about that. Fair enough. It came up at the end of session and we didn’t really get into all of the specifics. I’m not looking forward to this conversation, but maybe I need to have it.
I kinda exploded at friends and Noah last night. Not exploded at them. Expressed specifics of my triggers out loud, which I normally try to avoid doing. I’m having a hard time with the fact that I need to be in my room to have privacy/quiet space. That’s causing me problems. I’m not unhappy about people being here, but I’m experiencing some triggering. It’s hard.
I try to avoid this because I did some yelling. Folks told me it wasn’t that bad and it was clear I was… more hitting a boiling point in myself than really being angry at anyone. I’m just freaking out.
Having no where but my bedroom to go is hard for me. Intellectually and emotionally I feel like I am still that awful, horrible 12 year old bitch who had to spend most of my time in my room because no one wants to see my ugly, stupid, hateful face.
I’m not upset about anyone in this house about this trigger. But it’s happening and I’m struggling. I’m keeping it from the kids (I think) but it’s there for me.
Overall my shrink was surprised I’m keeping things together as well as I am. I’m doing well with being in the role of “support for Bonus Kids”. It’s going well. Everyone is getting along well. The house is improving dramatically with every day.
I’m tired. I’m sorta wondering if I can handle taking January off. Can I talk me into it? I’m so tired.