Assessing damage

I suspect it will be months before I should seriously be typing. Fire. Fire. Burning fire. My arms hurt.

The house is coming along! My neighbors are showering me with love. My friends are driving from near and far.

I have complaints (cause I can always complain) but I’m really happy just now.

Day 49 of my cycle though. Tapping my toes waiting to start bleeding. It’s starting to feel like my body is waiting till the house is clean so I can rest when I’m bleeding. Like, full on sit around and bleed on a towel cause you are so still rest.

I read about it in Cunt and I’ve never ….. actually just spent a week bleeding on a towel to see if it is more comfortable than other stuff. So I don’t know for sure.

Eight hours of sleep last night. I think that is either the first or second time since I got back. I’m grateful I’m starting to relax.

I have this idea. I think I should continue working with my Oakland therapist on trauma stuff. She doesn’t flinch. That’s….. hard to find.

I think I’m going to start interviewing people who live close to me. I want to find someone who is a parent, who has more understanding of parenting issues to see more often.

I think some of my current coping skills are not great and bordering on a real problem without quite arriving there yet. But they could. I think I need some behavioral guidance on figuring out some of the reactions I need to have. This is hard for me. I read and read and read but without feedback from adults… it is hard to know how to implement what I read. I’m trying. But whoopdie doo da.

Things have already improved dramatically in terms of my behavior. I’m more calm. My tone of voice is easier to control. It is easier to have gentle hands. I don’t have to force them through a mountain sized list of tasks when they hurt like a mother fucker. It’s easier to be gentle.

Pam said she was worried I was being too hard on the kids. was worried I was being too hard on the kids. I was too hard on the kids in the way that children raised on the prairie had hard lives. You have to work.

And I was too loud. And I was too harsh in my tone sometimes when the kids were being slow and I wanted to go pass out. It wasn’t nice, kind, nor the right thing to do. It was my best in that moment, pathetic as the delivery was. Was the trade worth it?

Eldest Child says I am not that mean at home. I take more space. I create more of a bubble around myself to absorb that nasty temper so I don’t inflict it on anyone. I have that luxury at home. But I’ll take my kids with me on adventures where I lose that bubble. Even though I’m rather an asshole.

Why?

Because being nice 24/7 isn’t really much good preparation for life, now is it?

But I don’t think I’m capable of perceiving the balance I want to get to. I don’t think I can be objective enough. I think I want to work with someone who has more specific focus on children.

And I still want to get EC evaluated. I just… haven’t done it yet. Everything is crashing down on my head. Neighbors keep bringing me cards to get started on the remodel. The company I fired showed up yesterday to be obnoxious so I slammed my door in his face. (When I tell you it isn’t a good time because I’m not fully dressed… do not start a fucking sales pitch you asshole. Inappropriate power dynamics much?!)

I don’t give a shit if my baby sitter did tell you I was coming home. I fired your fucking company because y’all had shitty boundaries and lots of blame issues. You are not convincing me I should give you a second chance. Quite the opposite.

But I’m overwhelmed on getting everything done. The kids are still settling into the house. I haven’t felt able to shove them through everything already.

Still defragging the trip.

You know, people outside the valley usually don’t know what I mean when I say defragging.

Whether I am part of the Technology Era or not…. I am.