Noah woke up hella early and talked to me for about an hour. He is intensely invested in helping me find emotional regulation. It works to his benefit.
He told me that dealing with people disliking what I have to say in this way is really good training for my future career. When people are going to hate me with the fire of a thousand suns because I want to talk about a topic that good people refuse to name.
Let me say it loud and proud INCEST.
Damnit. He likes to bring reality into things. We talked through the difference between this kind of low level chicken clucking combined with pearl clutching isn’t actually a threat to me versus the kind of anger I am going to inspire. I need to learn how to manage my emotions around different levels of threat.
I probably should reread The Gift of Fear. But that kind of thing is always complicated when your brain was fucked up such that you feel afraid all the time. Mostly I’ve just solved this by charging head first towards whatever scares me. Thus all the problems I’ve had.
Things are different now. For all that I have resources to fight back, I also have a lot to lose. I do and I don’t.
I’m scared of dying now in a way I never was before. For most of my life my death has been my closest and dearest companion. Now I’m scared. Don’t rob me of the time I have to be loved. I want this love. I want it so bad.
I want to be here for more years of my children wandering over to nudge me and say, “I thought about you. You’re awesome.”
They partially do that because Noah and I do that. Modeling love and support is the best experience of my life.
It is really hard trying to pretend I am someone who is worthy of this when I know I’m an abusive asshole.
But I have to act like I am worthy in order to teach my children how to treat people. If I act like I am worthy of disrespect I teach them to disrespect people.
I’m feeling real tired of trying this hard to be a good example. I’m such an asshole. Stomping on it is so hard.
We have a weekend off. The kids are going to go visit an auntie. Everyone involved is super excited.
I am blessed in the people who choose to show up in my life. I see you.
I’m really tired of big feelings. My arms hurt.