Who was I kidding?

I wanted to not type today. Ha.

My poor hands.

Well, Noah is asleep. So I’m sitting here going round and round in my head. If I write the things down, maybe it’ll be less.

I need to stop looking at site stats. I need to put that on my “can’t” list. It is driving me bananas.

I need to figure out how to get consistent rest on a daily basis. That’s going to be very hard for me. I don’t like resting. I feel very bad about myself when I do it.

Noah and I rolled through yesterday. It was lovely. We talked with very brief breaks for alone time for over twelve hours straight. We spent a lot of time in our mutual admiration society.

Let me tell you why I love you so very much. Now you tell me.

Noah makes me feel… capable of accomplishing anything.

All I have to do is want it bad enough.

There’s something really big and heavy I’m sitting on. It’s hurting me a lot to think about. I’ve told Noah about it. But that’s as much as I’ve been able to verbalize. I don’t make promises I won’t keep. That is absolutely core to who I am. I treat a broken promise like an absolute failure of the highest order deserving of great punishment and shame.

I’m sitting on something big and heavy. It’s hard. What is enough?

I am very glad that Noah is supportive of the fact that I believe once we meet our financial needs it is our moral obligation to pass on the extra. I cannot begin to properly express what that means to me. It’s noblesse oblige, I know. But I believe with all my heart and soul that the way to have a great country is for those with the most to hand as much as necessary to those with the least until we can all rise together.

I believe this. I act on it. This is absolutely integral to how I view the world. I’m feeling a wee bit terrified of the financial accounting at the end of the year. I’m going to get quite a run down on my activities this year. Ugh. I don’t start that till Boxing Day. It is hanging over my head like a lead ballon. Ugh. Money. Whyyyyyyyyyy do I persist in talking about money? Blurg. Because in talking about it, especially publicly, I know that throughout the year I will keep my goals in mind and be more honest in my accounting. I will have more self control when it comes to random purchases because I have to fess up to the god damn internet about it.

This is a lot of how I control myself. Like, next year is a no-book-buying year. Because I do better with binary on/off switches like that. I’ll probably go out and get a few more in the next week. Ha.

Next year is a reading year. Ahhhh. It’ll be great.

I have so much to learn. I buy some fiction, of course, but I buy a lot of non-fiction. I read to learn. I read to grow and change and add tools to my tool belt. Even most of my fiction reading is conscious aimed at stuff that will show me different ways that people react to situations.

I am aware that I have a lot of deficiencies in my development. I’m working on that as fast as I am able.

I need to go have some serious words with my neighbor soon. He’s… ok there was another thing. He was lying on the ground looking at the undercarriage of my van (who the hell knew there was a spare tire under there?!?!?! AWESOME!) he grabbed my leg and wouldn’t let go and started getting creepy. I told him to let go several times. Then I started kicking him in the ribs until he let go of me. He started to complain that I was so mean and I told him if he ever grabs me again I will make him bleed. Leave me alone.

But I need to go back and have a serious conversation about this. I need to lay out my trauma history and tell him point fucking blank that as much as I enjoy talking to him about gardening and cars and travel and culture and mechanical issues and and and… I need him to stop treating me like I am sexually available. I’m not. I will physically force you to leave me alone if I must. I don’t want to. I really don’t want to. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you and I’d be very sad to hurt you like that. But I will.

I’m done being the victim, motherfucker.

I have serious conflict about my resolve to force my terms of relationship agreements on people. But do I or don’t I have the right to say no? If I do, how much force am I entitled to use as someone escalates their refusal to acknowledge my no?

Is it ok to defend myself? Do I have a self that is worthy of defense?

I would feel like this is all my fault somehow because I send “mixed signals” but this happens to so many fucking women who don’t have my background that it is horse shit to blame it on me. He’s an old bastard who wants to feel young again and he’s trying to do that by forcing me into what role he wants. Fuck. Right. Off.

I could just go out of my way to avoid him. But frankly, we’ve had hundreds of hours of positive interactions versus about 20 minutes of accumulated sexual harassment. People are always complicated.

But is it worth it to me to destroy the friendship if he won’t back off? Oh abso-fucking-lutely.

I get to have limits. I’m done having my body be at the discretion of old fucking men. I’m done. Done. Done. Done.

Have to stop typing. Ow.

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