Well last night was super fun. We danced, we played, we talked. That was great. I even got to waltz with my favorite dance partner.
This is the same man who told me that learning to be sexually dominant with me is like learning to ride a motor cycle by being tossed on the back of a Harley. Ha.
Sometimes people let me know that dealing with me is effort… but they are ok with that.
For the life of me I don’t understand why it is worthwhile for them. But they come back year after year. For over a decade now. This came up in my head partially because yesterday Eldest Child asked me if I still know any of my ex’s. I laughed and said, “You know your friends’ dad who is coming over here tonight? Yeah he brought me to this house as his date. That’s how I got here.” Her mouth dropped. It was hilarious.
Then she asked if we still know any Noah’s ex’s. I said, “You know ____?” “But she is _____ and ______ and _______’s mom!” Well she wasn’t a long time ago. A long time ago she was your dad’s girlfriend.
Whoa. Like… whoa.
It was really funny. YOU PEOPLE HAD LIVES BEFORE ME?! WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE?!
And our lives carry on. Sometimes still touching the lives of people we have known in ways that are surprising but still a great blessing.
I know I sound quite scathing when I discuss my ex’s sometimes. But I’m grateful for the experiences I had with each of you individually. I may have big feelings about my collective experience… but I don’t really hold each of you individually accountable. I do. But I don’t. You are part of a system that created people with personality traits I struggle to deal with. Is it your fault? Is it my fault I’m crazy?
Is it my fault I was raped? Maybe someone wants to break it down and I don’t deserve being raped by my dad (clearly) and maybe I didn’t deserve the first few rapes before puberty. But later surely it was all my fault, right? I knew better and I didn’t lock myself into a bathroom for the rest of my life for safety. So it’s my fault, right?
Fault fault fault fault fault fault fault fault fault fault fault fault fault.
Noah says I shouldn’t care so much about fault.
But if something isn’t your fault, how can you change it? Maybe I desperately want to believe that I am to blame for being raped in the past because that is the only way I deserve any credit for keeping myself safe for the past few years.
But what if I am god damn lying to myself and none of it is my fault. I have gotten lucky since marrying Noah not because I got better at defending myself but because I moved into a god damn protected class.
None of it is about what I did or didn’t do. It is about the perception of me that other people have. It is about what society tells the people around me that they can get away with doing to me.
At this stage…. not many people are stupid enough to fuck with me. Not like in the past. It’s not really because of me and if someone who didn’t have my “position in life” tried to copy my behavior in order to be more safe they would come up against a world of hurt.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Life is too complicated for me.
Happy New Year.