I walked to the farmers market with Eldest Child. It was a wonderful trip. We both really enjoyed the time alone.
That’s why I insist on dates. Because they build a relationship.
We talked and talked and talked. Only a few times did I start crying and getting overly emotional. When I started mumbling to myself because I couldn’t keep the “I’m sorry” chanting in my head silent I told her to just ignore me when I’m like this.
She said, “Mom. You are in pain. I’m not going to ignore you when you are in pain.”
I almost collapsed right there sobbing.
I told her, “Well… ok I am in pain. But I’m mostly in pain from very old things that don’t bother me so much when I’m medicated properly. Today is hard.”
“I know that. But if today is a hard day, maybe I shouldn’t ignore you.”
That was really intense. I feel horribly guilty that my children are aware of my problems but trying to hide them would be worse. I couldn’t hide the impact of my issues. I could just lie about the structure of it.
I don’t know if I am helping them build strength or weakness. I don’t know if being aware of other peoples feelings like this will overall be a win or a problem in their lives. Are they going to spend their time chasing broken people because they want to save them?
That scares me.
It’s a little over three miles round trip to the farmers market. I can’t tell if I’m just that sick, or if I’m out of shape or what. Maybe it is the not eating a days worth of calories in the 24 hours around puking?
The walk hurt. It hurt really a lot. My hips hate me and would like to poke me with sharp pointy things.
The walk back with 20+ lbs of groceries was kinda brutal. We had to stop and rest several times.
To be fair: when we used to do this walk… we pulled a wagon and did not carry the groceries. So maybe that is part of why the walk was so brutal. I may want another damn wagon. Our old one broke, much to my sadness.
I’m scared of the balance between weakness and strength. I’m scared that I am too weak. I am scared that being strong is a myth. I’m afraid that being strong means wanting to be… I don’t know… bigger, meaner, more awful.
I do want to drive people away from me if they are around me just to be nasty. I absolutely do. I’m ok with that strength.
But at the same time, there are an awful lot of people in this world I want to connect with. I don’t want to drive everyone away. If you present yourself wrong… that happens.