I’m done. I’m walking around town sobbing and I can’t stop. I want to kill myself so much I’m shaking. My back is spasming so much I would really appreciate it if someone stabbed me.
I met one of my favorite moms years ago when our kids were taking swim class at the same time. Her kid has gymnastics at the same time as Eldest Child now. I was so happy to see her. And then I spent most of the time crying.
She asked me what I’m going to do about feeling so bad. I said I don’t know because I’m not allowed to kill myself. She hugged me long and fierce and told me I’m coming over to her house very soon.
I was lying on the massage table thing at my chiropractors today and I got to thinking. So, what does my woo say about low back pain? Oh. Well fuck.
You know why I am so god damn bitter about trigger warnings? Because my biggest trigger is the fact that everyone else gets to have a mom and I’m not good enough. I never have been.
My shrink was trying to get me to say that I love and accept myself. I can’t fucking say that fucking lie.
I would rather slit my throat than tell a lie that big.
I don’t love myself and I don’t accept myself.
The acupuncturist asked me what emotional stuff is the absolute most important to address first. I told her I would like to stop feeling like a worthless whore who is going to poison everyone if I breathe the same air.
As I spent most of today keening and sobbing in between trying hard to stuff it I think I understand why my therapist tells me she thinks I will never be able to hold a job again.
I’m so broken.
Oh, and I’ve heard back from almost all the developmental psychs. No one is able to see me.