Drifting a little

I’m getting to serious sleep deprivation again. I do that. It is shortening my fuse a lot in a variety of situations. Today is a body care day. My body is so upset about everything I’m doing to it. I’m making progress and that is upsetting.

I’m not sleeping enough to repair from the work I’m doing and that’s going to create a negative cycle sooner than later. That’s really damaging. Why am I so anxious?

I feel like I’m having an identity crisis. I have changed a lot of how I’m supposed to behave. I’ve changed a lot of who I am in the past few years.

So I’m sleeping for like half an hour to forty-five minutes in a go then I wake up terrified that I’m about to be late for something or I’m already crying or I feel like I’m bad bad bad.

I’m going to hurt everyone. I’m going to do it all wrong. I will never ever get to the point of being ok. I will never be able to be a good friend; I will always be a selfish bitch.

And I’m maxing out around six hours of sleep in a night. Heavily broken sleep. I’m starting to hurt pretty badly again. It’s been over a week of this. If I take four sleep aide pills I get to six hours of more consistent sleep with only one or two wake ups for peeing. So I’m kinda not wanting to up that dose again.

I don’t want to get back to the point where I’m taking seven or eight pills to get seven or eight hours of sleep. I know how much that hurts my body. But does this hurt me more? Who. The. Fuck. Knows.