Exhaustion is a real thing. When I’m over tired I can’t read tone to save my life. I’m whiny, over-sensitive and I’m going to spend a lot of time crying. It’s not about a person saying something… it’s about being tired. I didn’t respect that yesterday. Given how much… pushing it I’ve done on sleep stuff lately I need to build better boundaries around this. Don’t respond to messages when I’m that tired.
I wrote about 7 pages in a word document yesterday. Notice how I’m not posting it? I don’t think I was even a little coherent. I was tired and scared.
I live with a kind of existential dread most people can’t understand. On one hand I’m one of the asking-ist people you’ll ever meet. I ask and ask and ask for things. On the other hand I live in mortal terror that I will rape someone again. That I will ask for something and someone won’t feel comfortable/safe saying no and I will be an evil monster as usual.
This is complicated for me. Because if you can’t say, “Hey do you want to do x?” and get a yes/no answer…how the fuck is life supposed to work?
I don’t know.
Folks tell me that I’m doing a good thing by giving people opportunities to refine their boundaries and decide what they do and don’t want.
I feel scared all the time that I’m on the verge of hurting people. I feel like I should withdraw a lot because I’m pushing too hard. Noah says this may be a bad time to assume that my bad reading of one persons tone means I should stop asking other people for things.
For some reason he seems to think that individual humans should be judged on their own behavior.
So it isn’t going to be a rule (because how the fuck well do I follow rules?!?!) but I think it should be a guideline to not respond to ambiguous messages at all when I’m tired. Once I’m not tired I can say, “Hey I’m not sure I’m getting your tone of voice here. Can you clarify?” Cause wouldn’t that be useful.
I don’t feel like I did yesterday. Glorious 8 hours of sleep. I hate sleep deprivation.
Many folks in the scene have been asking me, “Oh do you remember Mistress ___? She’s coming around more again.”
Goody. She likes to tell me that I’m a bigger bitch than her because I don’t handle sleep deprivation well. Can’t wait to run into her. weeeeeeeeeeee
I’ve gotten off overly lucky this hunting phase. Things have been going too smoothly. I’ve been getting too many ‘yes’ answers. Too many people telling me I’m doing it right. When I hit a bump it feels… big.
It isn’t. I’m going to get over it. But yesterday I couldn’t read tone and I spent a lot of time crying. Like I do.
Sleep. Dear goodness, sleep.
When I was a kid my sister used to tell me, repeatedly, that if I have the same problem over and over it is my fault and not other peoples fault.
I push boundaries. I do it globally. That makes it seem to me like it is all my fault and I’m a bad person. It means that when I feel spooked that I came too near a boundary with one person I want to globalize it and use it as a reason I should stay home and stop hurting people.
I want to use that experience as evidence that I am a monster who is unable to stop hurting people. I want to use the hint of possibility that I pushed too hard as evidence that I should stop asking for anything from anyone because I am not deserving.
I want to tell everyone that I know they don’t really want me and I should stay home.
I kinda got yelled at for that yesterday. Not “YELLED AT” but forcefully reminded that it isn’t my place to tell people what they think or want.
I feel bad for wanting you. I feel like I am placing a burden on you that I shouldn’t be placing. It isn’t fair. It isn’t appropriate. Just because I want you that means nothing about what you want and I don’t know what you want.
I don’t know and I’m not sure I’m good at reading people.
Noah makes sure to do over the top physical gestures to highlight how delighted he is by me constantly. Because otherwise I walk through my life feeling like an anvil of disappointment is about to drop on my head because I am not good enough to please anyone.
It isn’t fair to need people to be so demonstrative of their approval. I should just believe.
But I don’t. I’ve had too many years of wanting to die because I am not enough. I do need to feel like people really want me to be there.
Or I should go home and snuggle my kids. Because my kids really want me to be there.
I’m not saying I want to die right now. I don’t. I’m doing alright. I feel… whiny not suicidal. That’s fantastic progress for me. I feel sad and anxious and like I really want to figure out how to do this right some fucking year.
I want to stop messing up negotiating. I feel like there is no valid excuse for fucking up this way at this stage. I’m not a kid messing up out of ignorance. I’m a grown up who fucks up because I’m sloppy and I don’t dot all my i’s and cross all my t’s.
I feel ashamed of that.
But I don’t know how to find a happy medium on the herpes shit. It is… complicated. So many people have it but the few people who don’t know/haven’t been specifically told they are positive… it’s a thing. Should I tattoo “I have herpes” on my forehead so I don’t ever fuck up that bit of negotiating again?
Kissing is a big deal. My Owner didn’t kiss me. I’ve dated other guys who wouldn’t kiss me but who would allow me to provide some kind of service (sometimes sexual and sometimes not) for them. I can’t do that any more. I just can’t. Maybe that section of the users guide should be rewritten.
I like kissing and I know I’m diseased. I’m sorry. I feel bad about existing in this dichotomy but here I am.
Thank you for not caring, Noah.
Kissing feels connecting and bonding. Kissing feels like the difference between just being an object and being a person having an intense shared experience. I need kissing at this point or I really shouldn’t be playing with someone at all.
I’m not negotiating this well and I need to change that.
Lessons hurt. I hate learning lessons. Fuck opportunities for growth. FUCK THEM WITH A POGO STICK.
Do you know what would make all of this easier? If I were less fucking hypersensitive. But if that were true in one area I’d be a lot less sensitive in other areas.
I don’t actually want to stop being who and what I am. I like being sensitive. I like that I react strongly to my perceptions of peoples feelings. That often goes well. But sometimes I’m tired and I read something wrong.
Yeah. That happens.
Uhh… I do better in person. Where I can look at facial expressions and eventually feel comfortable asking millions of questions. I do have to warm up to the questions though. I am actually kind of shy at first.
I don’t want to scare you off. I want you to volunteer stuff. No one ever tells me enough about themselves.
Oh they tell me more than enough about their hobbies. I want to hear about you.
I know it is kind of weird how much I actually like people. But I’m not playing. I do.
I don’t want you to be in a room with me so you can act out my fantasy. I want to be in a room with you so I can see you more fully developed as a character of your own. If you talk fast the whole time I get more of a picture of who you are. (I like turns to talk too. Don’t worry. I know how to talk fast.)
I’m high maintenance. I want understanding and that mandates intense communication. I’m not comfortable. I don’t exist near people to feel comfortable in their presence. That is not how life goes for me. I am not comfortable.
I am with you because I want to understand you. Because I find you compelling. Because I want to know you. Because I want you.
I may not understand what that means. I probably don’t. I will ask for things. I wish you would ask more so that every step of verbal negotiation didn’t come from me.
That is true so much and it scares me because when I am always always always the leader how do I know I am doing what people want instead of dragging them through things they may not be completely on board for doing?
Trust people to be grown ups?
Sorry, gotta catch my breath.
Phew. Laughing that hard is dangerous. I’m going to bust a rib.
People laugh at me when I say “when I grow up” in reference to my future research. They ask me if I’m grown now. No. I’m not.
I don’t know many grown ups. And I don’t know many people my age or younger. I chase an older crowd and I always have. Guess what. Most of them are not grown up. I mean, they are grown. They are “adults”.
We are all fucking up and growing.
We aren’t done growing up.
I know… a few. They are inspiring and intimidating as fuck to me.
Hands hurt too much to go into that.
Wanting is hard. Wanting is scary. The rejection isn’t the scary part. The scary part is the terror that I will hurt people. I will hurt people. Not because I will hit them (though I will) but because I will say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or ask for something in a way they don’t feel comfortable refusing and they will feel regret and I will feel shame.
That’s gonna happen.
That is part of hunting.
That fuck up. It is inherent. Other people minimize their risk by looking for one lifetime target and calling it good.
I… like to learn lessons. I have so much to learn. There is so much I want to know. There are so many situations I need to be able to have absolute control over my reaction no matter what physical or emotional stress is going on that I have to perfect this.
I have to. This is going to be necessary for me as a grown up. I am going to need to have 100% control over my reactions. I will need to know “I don’t open my email until I’ve had at least 20 hours of sleep out of 72.”
I need to know myself.
Noah didn’t think the messages sounded the way I read them. It took a lot of explaining and whining and telling back story before he went, “Oooooohhhh… ok. I can see how you read it that way.”
So it was a stretch that was only possible because I’m so awesome.
God I’m ridiculous.
No. I just have a long and complex story and I’m reacting as if all if it is true in every moment of every day and those filters are better and worse based on factors like sleep. Ahem.
Other people can handle sleep deprivation. Great for them.
But there is so much fun to be had in the middle of the night.
I have five solid nights in a row where I’m staying home and getting sleep before our next night out.
But then a different party is the next day.
Fuck. Ok. I need a break after that. I iz at capacity. Ow. I found it. Noah told me he thought I would.
I wanted to see where it was now. I found it. Ow. I’m old.
Why didn’t I want to go to a dark place? I don’t know. It wasn’t that the pain level was beyond my capacity. I never got near an 8. I just…
I don’t know.
It didn’t feel that way. It didn’t feel like that was what was appropriate in the setting? I don’t know.
I need help going on a journey. If I’m going to stand somewhere and just… do what I do… that…. uhhhh… varies.
It is wildly unpredictable.
I also have a really hard time with feeling like I am topping from the bottom. Noah and I have had a hard time figuring this out. I… don’t know how to gracefully lead as a bottom. I suck. So either I shut my fucking mouth and smile as the top decides what is going to happen next or… things get kind of awkward and tense and I spend the rest of the scene feeling bad.
So yes. Sometimes I don’t know what to say.
Even me. I get tongue tied. It is true. I feel like a jukebox waiting for someone to pick a song to play. I don’t know what to say. I don’t have any idea of what would be pleasing. I have such a short window of time in which to try to be pleasing…
I’m afraid of picking wrong.
It isn’t that I’m trying to make up a story to tell. It is that I don’t know which version of myself to start with. There are so many. The order in which I present them matters. It can lead to increased intimacy or it can lead to things like, “I need you to stop telling me about your background. I don’t really want to know.”
This is why Noah and I spend so much time during sex talking about previous sex we have had either with one another or with other people.
I know that I will only learn how to read these things better by running into these walls at full speed so I see all the signals all the way up to long past when I “should” have stopped so that in the future I will understand that danger signals much earlier and have a stronger need to distance myself fast. I know this is “safe” practice.
But I’m so tired of being disappointing. I’m so tired of having people forcefully shove me away because I am wrong.
Asking, wanting, desiring always means risk. It always means possible rejection or unmatched interest or pain.
Is it worth it?
Even though I’m still tired and even though I still have turbulent feelings…
All of it. All of them. Every lesson. Every experience. I’m not sorry I asked. I’m sorry if me asking was done badly. I’m sorry if I asked in a way that did not support people telling me no when they should have or if they really wanted to in the fullness of time. I’m sorry that I will keep making mistakes.
But I’m not sorry enough to stop.
I want to learn this.
I will make mistakes. So will other people. I will get up. I will try again if they are game.
But first I want more sleep.