I think this is often unclear. When I’m writing… if you think I’m talking to you the answer is maybe. Sometimes I talk to one person for a whole post, but rarely. Usually I switch who I’m talking to mid-post. Often mid-paragraph. Sometimes mid-sentence.
The you at the start of the sentence may not be the you at the end of the sentence and I do that on purpose.
The degree of infatuation I feel for various people fluctuates based on a lot of factors. I feel happy about different things with different people.
At this count I can reasonably say that in this calendar month I expect to play with at least eight, maybe nine people. Or it could be higher. I don’t know yet.
If I’m saying “you” and you think “whoa shit her feelings are too big for talking about me” yeah you are an amalgam. You are many things (and people and situations) I’m reacting to at once. I’m not reacting to one thing or one person. Or maybe this would be easier.
I don’t like easy.
I do like complicated though. I like falling into people. I like intensity. Yes, I will have big feelings about you. Is it infatuation? Is it love?
Which you are we talking about?
Because whoa. I have a range of feelings. I’m not going to parse them here. I’m not going to rank them.
Everyone is different. I like different people for different reasons and Noah says I don’t have to choose and he’s the only one who could tell me that right now.
So how much do I want?
I’m drowning in a river of want. How much of it is for you? You won’t know unless you really ask me. And I’ll be brutal in answering. You may not like the answer. You may not want to know the specifics of what I’m obsessing about you.
You may not like it one little bit. Maybe you just want what I’m willing to bring up of my own volition. Maybe.
Ask for 100% of what I want?
Never. It’ll never happen. Because I don’t think I’m that brave. Not brave enough to say out loud everything I want. You have no idea what I want. You really don’t. I’m not even brave enough to tell Noah a lot of it.
I’m not nearly as brave as people think.
A river of want.
I can’t tell you what I want though. That’s… not fair. Somehow.
The Professor complicates Cupid complicates the Deity complicates Daddy complicates Noah complicates Sarah complicates my submissive complicates…
I could go on but now I’m just bragging. And I’m actually out of names I’m explicitly allowed to use. Other people have different privacy standards. Ahem.
There are little brush fires all over my extended web right now. If you think I’m upset about you you are partially right. And there’s all those other folks.
If it were just you I’d settle down. Probably. I’d like to think that at this stage of my life the level of complication from any one of the people in my web would be… easy. That’s why I want so many.
I do like complicated.