Unexpected fun, processing, and affection

I said, “Hey Daddy want to have dinner and talk?” Hahahahaha. We did get around to dinner. We did do some talking. Mostly we finally got around to fucking. It was glorious. Our first date was about twelve years ago and we’ve done a fair bit of sm in that time… but we never got around to fucking. I am thrilled to report that strawberry/chocolate flavored condoms are not bad for sucking on extensively.

Then I had quite a chat with my shrink. I am… amused that she is thrilled I’m hunting. She really is. “You are all consenting adults having fun! Do whatever you want!” At the same time she says, “Uhm it sounds like you are getting really attached to this deity. Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

So my shrink is 100% on board with me sport fucking. If someone comes over and spends more time… that’s maybe not cool. She heard that he is going to have an overnight when the kids are gone and she just about flipped.

“HE’S DOING WHAT?! WHERE WILL NOAH BE?!”

Uhhh… in the house?

“Oh so you wanted a threesome.”

I have no idea if that kind of thing will happen. I’m not opposed (hi, I’m still me) but it hasn’t been arranged and that isn’t the point. The point is… having a date and getting to snuggle longer afterwards.

“KRISSY WHAT ARE YOU DOING HE SOUNDS LIKE A SECONDARY.”

This was a hilarious phone call to me. The expectations folks have of me…

(Uhm, my shrink says congratulations to the sadists I’ve been playing with. She’s delighted to see me so happy. It’s been a while.)

She got a little annoyed after a while trying to keep names and handles straight. I should probably send her an email with a cast list so she can follow along better. (She’ll get everybody. I wonder if I could somehow anonymize it for public. Ha. She’d hear about all the people I’m hoping to run into soon but I haven’t seen ’em yet. Goodness gracious I’m slutty.) I think it is funny how different my shrink feels about my dating compared to Noah. Noah’s a lot more ok with the fact that I’m being lovey dovey with my friends. He’s seen these people be my friends for long stretches of time. He doesn’t feel threatened.

My shrink is all, “Fuck ’em and move on to another person. Don’t get attached. That’s a threat to your marriage.”

…..

Given how much time everyone I’m fucking spends saying, “How is Noah? Are you sure we should do this?” I’m… less convinced they are threats.

She told me to be very careful not to start keeping secrets from Noah. I said: “When I fuck up and don’t tell him something to his face I try to make sure I document online because I don’t want to hide anything.” But she’s suspicious. She’s convinced I’m going to move the deity in next month. I think the closest I’ve come to moving a poly partner in was Sarah and… you know what? I’m not worried.

Speaking of documenting, there was a small hiccup in play last night. I tried to express a boundary and it was heard as an in-scene protestation. It was recognized and apologized for. I cried. I’m over it. These kinds of mistakes happen. Why is it so easy to forgive someone else and so hard to forgive myself? I know he didn’t mean it. His face crumbled when he understood. It’s lovely how these sadists want to hurt me but not hurt me and that’s a funny line to learn how to walk. There will be stumbles. We’ll keep walking.

My shrink started shrieking when I told her how much I talk to the deity during the day. “THAT’S A RELATIONSHIP!” Dude. I’ve been talking to him for years. It’s not just a while fucking thing. He’s my friend. “But! But!” She’s not upset about the dude I’ve been playing with for twelve years and I just show up at his house on a regular basis. That’s fineCause he’s ollllllld.

I didn’t know that fucking half a dozen people in a short period of time would convince me I’m not that casual of a hunter. Ok then.

This round of hunting is so glorious. I went to Renegade’s last night (it’s a bar where a munch is held) intending to just flirt because I have hot dates tonight. Yeah my friends don’t care. Glorious friends. Daddy and one of the flirtingest-boys-ever were both pinching and squeezing me a fair bit. Because it is funny to make me squeak. I guess. Cupid came and that was quite lovely.

Last night I felt like I was sitting on the corner of Makeout Lane and Pinch Me Harder Court. I kissed so many people. It’s funny going between casually, happily kissing people I’ve been kissing for a while and a new person leans in and I shove my hands out and blurt, “I HAVE HERPES.”

He laughed. He said, “You’ve actually already told me that.”

“YEAH WELL. I’M GOING TO DO IT A FEW MORE TIMES. I WAS AN ASSHOLE WHO WASN’T UPFRONT ENOUGH SO I’M GOING TO BE REALLY OBNOXIOUS FOR A WHILE HERE.”

He laughed at me more. But in a nice way.

I don’t want to hurt anyone.

Oh do you know what is funny? When someone says, “Oh you shouldn’t taunt a sadist… you never know what you’ll get” and I get to lean in and grin and say, “I know. I’m a sadist.” He pulled back like he touched an electric fence. That was awesome. hahahahaha

I have such plans for Saturday. I can’t wait to make that beautiful boy hurt. It will be glorious. That reminds me. I need to send an email to the party host about rules. Done. My proverbial dick is so hard right now. I do hope she says yes. Then… oh boy. I’m not going to preview what I’m going to do. He gets to be surprised. I have some shopping to do today. Oh fuck I love my life.

Why isn’t my shrink being weird about the other folks? Mostly I think because after asking me to rattle off ages she decided the deity was “age appropriate” and no one else I’m seeing is and that is somehow a big threat? Whatever. I’ve been involved with my submissive for like fifteen years. Oh. He’s not on IM. So he’s less threatening? Woman. You have weird ass boundaries.

Oh yes. I also had a chat with my former Owner. It went much better than I expected. He was respectful, supportive, and loving. I made the right choice in loving him all those years ago. I think it’s funny that my shrink is worried about the deity but she doesn’t worry about me going back to events where I’m going to sigh over my Owner. She says, “Oh I know that’s over.”

But I still sigh. Like I do with everyone. I don’t want to go back there. It’s just… sigh worthy that life doesn’t work out how you want. I really wanted to carry that man’s babies. I wanted it for the first big chunk of my adult life. I notice.

Not that I’m in any way sad about the family I have. I think it suits me better in every way.

But I’m a wistful soul.

I don’t want to move everyone in. I don’t want to live with everyone. But I am greatly enjoying the increased intimacy with my friends. I’m feeling so grateful that my friends want to love on me and hurt me and talk to me about why they want to do what they want to do in life. I am so grateful I get to crawl into peoples heads and learn about their motivations.

The talking about it part is almost my favorite. Except for the getting off. That’s my other favorite.

This was one of those times when my shrink spends a lot of time telling me how unusual I am.

“Krissy… other people don’t spend hours a day having sex. That’s not normal.”

Why not?

“Krissy… other people can’t orgasm like that. That’s not normal.”

Hey… you don’t know my friends. Ok yeah I’m easy to get off under the right circumstances but I know lots of folks like me. We exist.

“Krissy… other people can’t have sex with someone unless they feel a strong physical attraction like they want to be with that person forever and you can have sex with people you just like without feeling all that attracted to them. That’s not normal.”

Hey. I wouldn’t say I wasn’t attracted to them. I just don’t need to be in-love-get-married-have-babies attracted. Degrees. Levels.

I’m not attracted to people based on them looking like they belong on a magazine cover. I’m attracted to people based on how they make me feel. I care a lot more about the expression in someones eyes as they look at me. The more “conventionally attractive” someone is the more I find they don’t actually look at me. They look to see if I’m looking at them and then they keep scanning the room. Folks who are not necessarily gorgeous (but I think they are hot) look at me.

They want to know what I’m feeling so they can play with it. That’s fun.

Dad canceled yesterday. He doesn’t feel he can handle a trip in April but he hopes to try later in the summer. I have mixed feelings. I am going to work hard on coming down on the side of “Well my guest room is buried in tile anyway and cleaning it up would suck.”

Feedback: no more face slapping for a few weeks. My jaw hurts.

I know everyone is happy I’m playing again but I do need to heal in between woundings. Just sayin’. Geez. Go reread the Kushiel books. Phèdre talks about needing to heal between play. Ha. And she was a bad ass touched by the gods. I’m just a kinky woman. Healing. Yo.

My jaw hurts all the way up into the skull because it is so tired of being knocked out of whack for one week. I have some weird jaw stuff anyway because when the pit bull attacked me when I was five, it knocked my jaw out of socket and made things permanently out of alignment. Sufficient quantities of oral sex cause me problems. I’m probably going to get there soon with uhm how I’m going.

Slow down Krissy, you ain’t as good as you once was.

Yeah… time for more rest. I’m getting tired.

My shrink was thrilled to hear how my mood is elevated across the board. Things are going really well with the kids (beyond the fact that we are all sick of tile). We are snuggling more than we were for a while. We are talking really well. We are having intense conversations. I’m being pretty good about my expectations. They are falling into a rhythm of their own.

Home schooling continues to be the best decision I’ve made with my kids. I love the relationship we have. I love that I get to help them work through their stuff. Genetically my kids were going to have a high propensity towards being high strung, difficult, and troubled.

Instead they glow.

I am so glad I get to do this.

Frequency is a phrase Noah and I use a lot. If I’m a lot more intensely connecting with a whole bunch of old friends… what is that going to mean long-term in how much I see each person? All of them in aggregate?

He keeps sighing deeply and saying only time will tell. Pendulums do tend to over correct before they settle down to where they are going. I remain grateful he thinks of me as an expensive, troublesome pet. I so am.

I’m a feral cat.

Barely domesticated. But I have my perks.

Ok. I think I’m ready to go back to bed. I wonder how long until the kids wake up…

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