This is an easy trigger to trace. Many of my earliest memories are of my biological father hurting me sexually. I was required to be silent and still. If I squirmed or whimpered or anything I was punished.
I can suffer silently. But it requires that I go away. It requires that I give you a bag of flesh and bones and I will be somewhere over there watching.
Noah points out that this really isn’t just about my father though. There are people littered through my whole life who required me to suffer in silence. My arms are completely not up for the laundry list… but it’s there.
It’s a trigger. It isn’t that I think someone is terrible for commenting on how loud I am. (Yes. I am very loud when someone is hitting me.) It is that it is a trigger. It is that now I feel ashamed and bad and like I did something wrong and shaking this off is gonna suck.
I’m supposed to go pretend I’m a bad ass tomorrow.
I’m loud. I’m loud when I top. I’m loud when I bottom. I’m loud when I fucking exist in a room.
I make people cringe and move away from me just because I am offensive. I exist too loudly. I should stop.
I have absolutely no idea how to get to a happy medium from here. I don’t know what a happy medium would be.
Yes. I’m loud. I can scream so loud that a party of hundreds of people comes to a sudden halt. (I’m told people still feel haunted by that night.) I can quieten down auditoriums of thousands of screaming teenagers. Fucking loud.
I feel like that makes me bad. I am inconvenient, intrusive, rude. I force people to acknowledge me. I force people to have to be fully present with the fact that I am in pain.
I’m a fucking asshole.
I’m not here to make you have a more comfy experience.
I need to shake this off and go back to cackling with glee. I have a boy to cut up.
I will not let this be a problem for me. I don’t give a shit that I feel triggered. I have shit to do.
I’m really kinda done feeling so god damn bad for existing.
I don’t think this person meant I should suffer in silence. I’m not saying that. I’m saying that commenting on how very loud I am is complicated. Noah has kinda figured it out. He solves this by saying “More!”
Pretty much everyone else… it’s a mixed thing.
This is a me problem.