I don’t even know.

I am feeling deeply inadequate. I could not make monogamy work. I could not find a way to inspire Noah to share my interests and I could not find a way to just be ok with what was on offer.

I feel really guilty. I feel like an asshole.

I’m really enjoying the sex. Yes I know that’s a mixed thing, Noah. I know that causes you to feel inadequate too.

Not really. We’ve both felt inadequate basically every step of the way. But here we are. I mean, we could go through a list of things we’ve done and devalue them every step of the way. You don’t feel your job earning you more money than 98% of Americans is all that impressive. I think my marathon time is shit. Etc.

Should we do this forever?

I’m not sure I know what adequate or inadequate means. This is seeming more fuzzy than “deserve”. Adequate for what?

Noah the way you fuck me and love me and take care of me mean I’m happier, healthier, and more stable than I’ve ever been. If me being this much better makes you feel inadequate I don’t know what to fucking tell you. I’m sorry I’m not all better. I’m sorry I’m not perfectly stable and perfectly what you want.

I’m inadequate.

Are you absolutely everything I want and need in every single way? Honestly… no.

I don’t know that a single person could be. As you say… if you fucked up the way some of my tops will eventually fuck up… we would have problems. You are safe and that is part of why you don’t beat me harder. It is part of why you aren’t inclined towards doing vicious things all that often. I know. We create this awful conundrum for ourselves. I’m going nuts wanting to beat people. You’ve worked hard on not wanting to beat me because for years beating me would have been a problem and…

I don’t know what to do with the pickle we’ve made. I really don’t.

I don’t know what the future will bring.

Yes, for a while I genuinely had less interest in sex. Childbearing wrecked my body. But we knew that going in and we discussed it and we were more or less prepared for that. What we didn’t discuss very well and what we are trying to figure out now is what the fuck do we want to adapt to when my sex drive comes back?

I need to start texting Noah’s phone to tell him what I’m thinking of doing because I’m not saying things and blaming it on the fact that the kids are around and that needs to change.

What is true and not true?

I continue to wonder what kind of person am I?

I’m a snoopy motherfucker (this is as advertised) and I read some of the notes Noah has been making to himself. I’m really grateful he has been making them. I appreciate when I get to uhhh sneak into his private thoughts and read the angry and accusatory version. I like it for a few reasons. Specifically: I like that I’m not allowed to get angry about things I find when I snoop–that’s been true back to my Owner. I like that I get an unfiltered version of what the person I’m snooping on thinks. They aren’t trying to get my approval they are being pissy and ranting. Excellent. Good data.

I don’t snoop on everyone. I ask for passwords. It’s not like I’m subtle.

If you don’t give me your password then I won’t snoop on you. If you give me your password I will. That’s like consent, right?

How much about you do you want me to know?

That’s what it is about. I will work hard to integrate the feedback I got in this way. It was… more direct than he’s been saying to my face.

I need to slow the fuck down. He’s scared. That’s not nice. I’m not communicating well and it is hurting his feelings up one side and down the other. But he’s scared he needs to let me do this. Oh, baby.

For some version of “this” yeah you probably do have to let me do it. But for some version of “this” you really don’t. You have power to negotiate here. I know I’m being an asshole and I know you are worried about any request you make backfiring…

I’ve only broken rules I made. Not rules you’ve specifically made. (To the best of my memory.) I’ve taken back things I offered of my own free will. Because I realized I really didn’t want to offer them. I’ve tried hard to figure out where your lines are and I’ve gotten very minimal feedback.

From you I’ve gotten: don’t ever ask for unprotected sex with someone and don’t ask for permission to orgasm. I know you’re working on a more complicated list of rules we are negotiating as a back and forth…

But in my head those are the only two things you’ve asked for. So when I’m being a dishonest asshole and spanking people when I said I wouldn’t I have broken something I offered. It is not the same as spanking people when you asked me not to.

Which sucks, is dishonest and fucked up, etc…

I’m being inconsistent in my boundaries because I don’t know where the fuck they are. I thought I would be interested in teasing my submissive for… oh shit at least a few months.

Nope.

Yes. It sucks that I’m sated on Monday and not by the next day.

Or does it suck? I mean… really?

What do you want here?

You don’t know and I don’t know what I want. It does hurt finding out that we want x by bouncing off other people. I wish I had been successful at talking you into things in monogamy too. But I wasn’t. I don’t know how long I’m going to be off-leash or what that is going to mean.

I know you are scared.

Me too.

Historically speaking I go until I get burned really badly. I… worry about that. I sorta wonder if I should cut bait on the other fish on the line. I’ve had an absolutely unprecedented string of successes. Maybe not pushing my luck is wise? Emailed one.

I should maybe learn from my mistakes one of these decades. Noah thank you for your patience.

I’m not saying I’m going to say no if particular people ask. But I’ll stop hunting. I’m over busy as it is.

I am currently semi-stalled on the tile because I need the last bits taken off backing and folks are coming over tomorrow to help with that. I’m a hair nervous waiting for them because I take stuff off backing way faster than anyone else and I could be done between now and then.

I need to email the lawyer. Done. We are going to have a meeting on Monday or Tuesday about the remodel.

Oh god.

Noah I’m really happy to be your muse and pour energy into you. I like filling your cup. But I need it to come from somewhere. I need it.

I know you are scared. I’m scared too. I’m going to do this though. Or I can’t keep filling your cup.

6 thoughts on “I don’t even know.

  1. RoseRed

    I never wanted monogamy. I made a commitment to be monogamous because that was my husband’s condition for having a baby. IVF, MESA, ICSI. We both made large investments of time, pain, and money to have our lovely daughter. I told him “for a while, years.” In my head I thought, maybe 7 years? I didn’t like it, didn’t want it, but I made a promise. I gave something to get something. Nonetheless, I lost something. My vitality, my sex drive, and quite a bit of my emotional connection with him. Things were starting to improve when he got the second meningioma, and then the massive stroke as he awoke from surgery. 🙁 I didn’t know how permanent the damage was. Pretty fucking permanent. After almost two years, when our daughter was 7, I went for a walk with my old boyfriend, the man who understood that a baby was that important to me, that I never stopped loving, that never stopped loving me. We talked and hiked sometimes, but not enough because spending time with him hurt as much as it felt good. The only times I knew I was still sexually alive was when he’d hug and kiss me hello or goodbye. Halfway through this walk he pulled me into a hug and kissed my neck and I realized I was Done with monogamy. Particularly monogamy without sex! Instead of pulling back like usual, I pushed in. I came back to life with a Bang. I overwhelmed him a bit, but he was happier for it. I went home and told my husband that I was Done with monogamy. I told him that I was Done with monogamy. I was an asshole about it, frankly. I spent fucking Years negotiating poly boundaries with him. This time I told him that I was poly, I’d do what I want with whom I want, that I’d do it safely as possible, and that I would keep him abreast of who and how serious, but that I would obfuscate to the point of directly lying about who and when because I didn’t trust him to not obsess and freak out like before. I promised to stay and take care of him, I have a sense of loyalty that demands that.

    I started going to munches again. 🙂 which directly led to V and I reconnecting. I’m leaving out one, it’s over and I’m glad. 🙁 I learned a lot, but the lessons sucked. But that’s over and I’m free to explore me without that hand clenchng my heart with love and menace. I’m learning funner lessons now. 🙂 my reward? Dunno.

    I’m glad you have a deep bonded love connection with your husband. I’m glad he sees you, sees that you have real needs and is trying to figure out how to be okay with them. I can’t go back in the box, it was killing me slowly, by millimeters. I need passion and connection in my life, and not just from one person. I guess I need variety too!

    I was going to tell you that one way we’re different is that I can’t do casual. Whether due to stranger danger social anxiety or just my somewhat reserved temperament (don’t laugh, it’s true!), I just don’t. I think the only time I’ve had sex on a first date was with Cupid, but we’d exchanged volleys of emails and known each other for years and I was horny enough to hump furniture. I liked the way he asked that night, as we cuddled: Is there anything on your fetish list that’s off the table tonight? “Nope.” 🙂 one of my better choices! But, in the short time I’ve been following you here you seem to be coming over to the connection camp with me. Casual scares me… Too much! I love sex, but if I’m an addict it’s a love addict. I usually expand to 4 relationships, which I have now. But…, I’m only having sex with two of them! My time is so limited, my emotions should be tapped out too, but I feel I have more room in my heart, certainly I have interest for more sex! When you said in another post that you need someone who lives within ten minutes of you I fairly groaned in agreement! But no! The two/three others that I intend to get to know better don’t even live in Santa Cruz, ffs! … But I follow my feelings in this. Connection develops where it will and then I just try to figure out the logistics!

    I have more thoughts, maybe later.

    … How do you feel about bookish responses to your blog posts? 😉

    Reply
    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      I love when people share things with me! I’m looking forward to our our in-person chat. 😀

      I think that I have traditionally been interested in casual because that was how I met people at all. For many years hunting/then having sex was… how I met people. I had a hard time transitioning into the bdsm community because there was so much less sex.

      I have only had the *ability* to be choosy about deep connection for a bit here and I wanted monogamy through the breeding period. For me, I wanted the monogamy because I thought kids needed to be the NRE for a long time. Ok we did that.

      I am really lucky to have the connection I have with Noah. I have a lot of motivation to be careful with my selfishness. Noah is giving, generous, and understanding in a way it would be foolish to mess with. I have a good deal.

      I don’t think I could have pulled off much longer of monogamy. I think I would have been awful.

      More thoughts later!

      Reply
    2. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      I’m thinking about what you said with “expanding to 4”. I don’t know what I want/need. I know people who want 2 partners. I know people who want 3. I know people who balance equations that take doctorate degrees because they need that for their love life.

      I don’t know what I need. I’m thinking.

      Reply
  2. RoseRed

    Yeah.., I think a lot about what I need and how to communicate it. I felt like a disappointment, or an infuriating fuck up for quite awhile. Now I want to put it all out there First, before anything starts! ¶If you need anticipatory service, don’t bug me. I need to be controlled and directed, I need to obey, even if reluctantly. Ppl who play with me should get off on control, not service. ¶I hate surprises, I’m awesome at anticipation. Tell me the wicked things you’ve planned and I’ll work myself into a frenzy of anticipation, surprise me and you’ll sometimes have to deal with a reflexive negative response. ¶degradation? NO. ¶And I’m not really a masochist because I don’t enjoy suffering, but I feel a lot of strong sensations that others might describe as pain, as orgasmic pleasure. While I’ll put up with a bit of pain to please a sadist I care for, it’s not my thing. Soon soon soon I’ll be rewriting my profile and making this all front page stuff.

    Re polyamory? I have little experience being a primary, and the one I did was with a heavily emotionally manipulative person, so it’s hard to say if it’s representative of future engagements, but it wasn’t good. I’m great at being involved with someone who already Has a primary. I have at times valued their relationship more than They did.

    4 sexual emotional partners is a pattern that has happened a few times, but life is change. Well see. I’m open to playing that by ear. By feel? 🙂

    I Like what you said about having your kids get your NRE for the first years. 🙂 what with my husband’s stroke, my daughter was the only bright light in my life for a couple years, my only source of joy. .. That’s a lot for a little kid…, I think this is better.

    Reply
  3. blacksheep

    As part of a 23 year and counting relationship, I’ve learned that we go through periods of growth and change and renegotiation. It’s important. It’s necessary. I don’t believe people can or should stay the same their whole lives. We NEED to continue to grow and change. I also don’t remotely believe a relationship means walking the SAME path. I think your paths meander near to each other’s, and wander further away at times, sometimes painfully far, and a relationship continues when you are able to find the ways that your paths continue to remain near and moving generally in the same direction.

    Reply

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