I am feeling deeply inadequate. I could not make monogamy work. I could not find a way to inspire Noah to share my interests and I could not find a way to just be ok with what was on offer.
I feel really guilty. I feel like an asshole.
I’m really enjoying the sex. Yes I know that’s a mixed thing, Noah. I know that causes you to feel inadequate too.
Not really. We’ve both felt inadequate basically every step of the way. But here we are. I mean, we could go through a list of things we’ve done and devalue them every step of the way. You don’t feel your job earning you more money than 98% of Americans is all that impressive. I think my marathon time is shit. Etc.
Should we do this forever?
I’m not sure I know what adequate or inadequate means. This is seeming more fuzzy than “deserve”. Adequate for what?
Noah the way you fuck me and love me and take care of me mean I’m happier, healthier, and more stable than I’ve ever been. If me being this much better makes you feel inadequate I don’t know what to fucking tell you. I’m sorry I’m not all better. I’m sorry I’m not perfectly stable and perfectly what you want.
Are you absolutely everything I want and need in every single way? Honestly… no.
I don’t know that a single person could be. As you say… if you fucked up the way some of my tops will eventually fuck up… we would have problems. You are safe and that is part of why you don’t beat me harder. It is part of why you aren’t inclined towards doing vicious things all that often. I know. We create this awful conundrum for ourselves. I’m going nuts wanting to beat people. You’ve worked hard on not wanting to beat me because for years beating me would have been a problem and…
I don’t know what to do with the pickle we’ve made. I really don’t.
I don’t know what the future will bring.
Yes, for a while I genuinely had less interest in sex. Childbearing wrecked my body. But we knew that going in and we discussed it and we were more or less prepared for that. What we didn’t discuss very well and what we are trying to figure out now is what the fuck do we want to adapt to when my sex drive comes back?
I need to start texting Noah’s phone to tell him what I’m thinking of doing because I’m not saying things and blaming it on the fact that the kids are around and that needs to change.
What is true and not true?
I continue to wonder what kind of person am I?
I’m a snoopy motherfucker (this is as advertised) and I read some of the notes Noah has been making to himself. I’m really grateful he has been making them. I appreciate when I get to uhhh sneak into his private thoughts and read the angry and accusatory version. I like it for a few reasons. Specifically: I like that I’m not allowed to get angry about things I find when I snoop–that’s been true back to my Owner. I like that I get an unfiltered version of what the person I’m snooping on thinks. They aren’t trying to get my approval they are being pissy and ranting. Excellent. Good data.
I don’t snoop on everyone. I ask for passwords. It’s not like I’m subtle.
If you don’t give me your password then I won’t snoop on you. If you give me your password I will. That’s like consent, right?
How much about you do you want me to know?
That’s what it is about. I will work hard to integrate the feedback I got in this way. It was… more direct than he’s been saying to my face.
I need to slow the fuck down. He’s scared. That’s not nice. I’m not communicating well and it is hurting his feelings up one side and down the other. But he’s scared he needs to let me do this. Oh, baby.
For some version of “this” yeah you probably do have to let me do it. But for some version of “this” you really don’t. You have power to negotiate here. I know I’m being an asshole and I know you are worried about any request you make backfiring…
I’ve only broken rules I made. Not rules you’ve specifically made. (To the best of my memory.) I’ve taken back things I offered of my own free will. Because I realized I really didn’t want to offer them. I’ve tried hard to figure out where your lines are and I’ve gotten very minimal feedback.
From you I’ve gotten: don’t ever ask for unprotected sex with someone and don’t ask for permission to orgasm. I know you’re working on a more complicated list of rules we are negotiating as a back and forth…
But in my head those are the only two things you’ve asked for. So when I’m being a dishonest asshole and spanking people when I said I wouldn’t I have broken something I offered. It is not the same as spanking people when you asked me not to.
Which sucks, is dishonest and fucked up, etc…
I’m being inconsistent in my boundaries because I don’t know where the fuck they are. I thought I would be interested in teasing my submissive for… oh shit at least a few months.
Yes. It sucks that I’m sated on Monday and not by the next day.
Or does it suck? I mean… really?
What do you want here?
You don’t know and I don’t know what I want. It does hurt finding out that we want x by bouncing off other people. I wish I had been successful at talking you into things in monogamy too. But I wasn’t. I don’t know how long I’m going to be off-leash or what that is going to mean.
I know you are scared.
Historically speaking I go until I get burned really badly. I… worry about that. I sorta wonder if I should cut bait on the other fish on the line. I’ve had an absolutely unprecedented string of successes. Maybe not pushing my luck is wise? Emailed one.
I should maybe learn from my mistakes one of these decades. Noah thank you for your patience.
I’m not saying I’m going to say no if particular people ask. But I’ll stop hunting. I’m over busy as it is.
I am currently semi-stalled on the tile because I need the last bits taken off backing and folks are coming over tomorrow to help with that. I’m a hair nervous waiting for them because I take stuff off backing way faster than anyone else and I could be done between now and then.
I need to email the lawyer. Done. We are going to have a meeting on Monday or Tuesday about the remodel.
Noah I’m really happy to be your muse and pour energy into you. I like filling your cup. But I need it to come from somewhere. I need it.
I know you are scared. I’m scared too. I’m going to do this though. Or I can’t keep filling your cup.