Keep trying

How am I doing? I’ve been asked by… six or seven people so far? Most of whom genuinely want to know.

It’s a good day. Given how fast I peel tile off of backing and how fast other people peel tile off of backing… I’m glad I did four hours of work today and I’m glad I only left the size of pile I left for my friends. If for some reason they finish (I doubt it) I can ask for help with taping. There’s work to do. I always have work for willing hands.

And now I have no excuse to avoid doing more layout at every spare minute. Sigh. I did about four hours of tile work today.

Lots of back and forth with lawyer and contractor. Festivities continue.

Medical appointment. I was very limited in what I want to pay for so I walked out with very little stuff. Ha. She says I’m doing surprisingly better. She hinted at but didn’t actually share stories from her hypersexual days. Ahhh. A friend.

“Why are you looking so happy?”

Well let me tell you about last night. And the night before. And the night before. And the night before. And the night before that.

Like, whoa.

It has been a good month.

Like, Noah and I have had sex more times than there have been days in this month. And we’ve missed days. It’s a good month.

I mean, my throat is extra sore and that’s all about Deity but I felt no need to be that specific with any of the folks who were asking me how I was. Even I have limits. Barely.

Sex is such a funny thing. What does it mean? What is it worth? Why do some people want some parts of sex and not others? What is sex?

I’ll tell you. In my considered personal experience sex can be an awful lot of things. It doesn’t always look how you think it looks.

I’m kinda boring. I really like a good long missionary fuck. I have friends who just aren’t interested in going there. I like it.

We all get to have preferences. I like lots of other things too, but it is important to understand yourself. It all comes back to wanting to watch someones eyes for me. Yes it is intimate. Yes it involves kissing.

Doesn’t that freak my spouse out?

I think people are wonderful and adorable and cute in how they express their boundaries.

Sport fucking is fine. WHY ARE YOU KISSING PEOPLE?!

I love the people in my life. Oh my goodness.

I kiss people for the same reason I want them to alternate telling me I’m a good girl with calling me a whore. I want them to be thinking about how weird I am and connecting with me.

Because I really kinda want to be both. It’s complicated. I’m not sure I know how to explain. I know that the whore thing will continue to be a problem because it is complicated reclaiming words. How can you deal with parts of your identity?

I’ve never been a for-pay sex worker. I’ve been called a whore a lot anyway. So what does that mean? It means people don’t pay attention to what words mean when they use them. It means that psychology doesn’t care what my IRS statements list as my job.

My cunt knows that for a lot of my adult life I’ve had explicit written or verbal agreements with my providers that I was to trade sex for housing/support/etc.

I’m not saying that marriage is the same as prostitution (another problematic word).

I’m saying people are complicated and my story is mine. If you are lucky enough to put your dick inside me… I probably want you to call me a whore.

I… honestly can’t say that I’ve ever had someone with a cunt try it. That would be novel.

Why do I care about what someone has below their waist when they are using words? I don’t? I’ve never had that kind of sex with someone who had a cunt. I have always been the aggressive party.

Which is so complicated.

I continue to have feelings about Michfest. I picked monogamy and I stuck to it through quite a bit of temptation. I saw some gorgeous folk there.

And I’m not chasing anyone new like that. I’m just… going where I’m already adored.

I continue to wonder if I made the right choice in not going all these years because of the trans inclusion issue. There were far more trans* folk there than you’d think. Of all stripes.

I…

If I could turn back time.

Ha. Oh well. Move forward from where you are.

Where am I?

It’s raining men.

Ok. Good thing I like them all. I can deal with this.

I’m going to slow down so I don’t scare Noah more. What is that going to mean though? I think it means not adding new people for a while. I need to practice my “no” for a few months. (I’m not saying forever.)

(This is mostly noting for Noah but uhh passive aggressive notice and all.) Daddy asked for a date in May. Err… Cupid expressed interest in a date and I’m thinking May. My bruises will heal by then.

I want to ask my submissive for a dinner date in May. So yeah. Err uhm. Let’s see how things go with the deity. Nothing booked in May yet. Four in April was uhhh yeah. Self control.

Cause oh man.

He suggested tying me up. Because he wanted to. I almost came out of my skin trying to act casual. “Yeah. Sure. That would be fun sometime.”

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

We need to figure something out. We got this far, Noah. I like you. You’re my best friend. Let’s put some dates for us on the calendar. You aren’t feeling like I’m being very inspiring. Heh. I can work on that. Ok.

Sobonfu told me I would never feel like I fit anywhere. She said I was going to have to go build it myself.

Ok. But I’m not a good sustainer. That’s going to be a problem.