I have totally joked about inflicting violence. I can never ever do it again.
Yeah. That’s how that works. Ok. Can I talk in my blog about wanting to commit violence? Gosh that’s going to be complicated–isn’t it?
Before I think about that I need to think about what I’m going to say tonight. Not babble. More like an outline. What is related to what.
There are a lot of different kinds of catharsis. For me in this 2 hour block I want to talk about:
The thing about traumatized people is there are layers of things they need to process. For me:
- How to get rid of the physical strain of carrying around those experiences in your body.
- How to not feel guilty/ashamed/deserving of what happened to you.
- How to deal with the anger/frustration/sadness/disappointment that no one helped you.
- How to come to peace with your place in the universe as a recipient of Seriously Bad Shit.
- How to gain the skills necessary to stop putting yourself into positions where you’ll be retraumatized.
- How to gain the necessary emotional maturity to become a real grown up person.
- Figuring out what you want to be instead of what not-to-be.
This show is about sex. I’m not going to get into all the stuff I’ve done though I’ll drop in that it involves 31 years and counting of therapy. I do the work to get my life in order. But bodies are complex places. What am I going to do with my sex life as a highly traumatized person? Pretty much whatever the fuck I want. This is my body. I get to own it now.
I like extreme bdsm. I’m there so someone can get fucked up. Me or them. I’m good either way.
What kinds of bdsm am I interested in:
- sadomasochism. I like pain. Giving and receiving with intensity. I have gone through different phases throughout my life in the leather community. I have certainly done more gentle scenes when I wanted to earn a specific persons approval or be nice to them for a reason. But gentle scenes have never had much draw for me. Why in the world would I want to tie you up and tickle you? I could turn you pretty colors and make you cry. Or you can do it to me. That’s kind of at the top of my preference list.
- D/s &/or M/s. I am highly motivated by playing with power differentials during life. I have used power differentiated relationships to spur myself through a lot of personal growth. I might have been too depressed and anxious to graduate from college. My Owner said that’s not happening do your homework and go to class. Things are…interesting on that front now. I am not really interested in sex if there isn’t a hint of a push/pull vibe. Who I want to play with depends on my mood. I have a lot of moods. So I play with a lot of people.
- bondage. Once upon a time I used to teach classes on bondage and suspension. I’ve done so at multiple conferences. I was assisting in those classes at large national conventions starting when I was 19. I am embarrassingly out of practice but I think it’ll come back. I just need to practice.
- domestic discipline. I list this separately from D/s because it is such a weird specific fetish for me. I’m seriously into being expected to keep the house neat. It’s a thing. It gives me a sense the my work during the day isn’t stupid and wasted. I’m not just doing things that don’t need to be done. I’m doing the specific work I’m supposed to do because it has been spelled out.
- bottom- this is what I’ve done with the majority of my play partners. I’m bossy and specific about how to play with me. This is important because if the point of the scene is for us both to be pleased… I have to tell you how to please me and I’m super fucking picky.
- submissive-this is where I’ve done most of my best scenes. I really enjoy playing with people who want to take things from me I don’t necessarily want to give. Which is super complicated and leads to getting into all kinds of retraumatizing situations let me tell you.
- slave/property- this was only a two year stint of my life but it was incredibly formative. It lead to a hunger for that kind of feeling again that I’ve been terrified of ever since. How in the world could I ever trust someone like that again? I was The One. Until I wasn’t. Then I was back to being one more Slut of the Day. This is super complicated in my marriage because we have talked about wanting to move in that direction and Holy Trigger Batman.
- service top- I would say that 98% of my topping has fallen into this category. I like helping people through cathartic experiences. Let’s go, motherfucker. But I’m like a pushy dominant service top? I play with people who want to be pushed hard and I do that because I want to be what they want to experience. It’s a virtuous cycle.
- dominant- I uhh I’m still starting this journey. There’s one person. I can’t explain what all this means to me yet. I’m still feeling it. But it’s fabulous. I have some incredibly intense impulses to hurt people and take their blood and be ridiculously demanding sexually and… yeah. It’s going well. I’ve known him for over 15 years and we are just getting to the point where I feel comfortable… really pushing for what I want. I’ve done extreme play with him for a long time because he asked me to. I guess some things are a slow boil. I wasn’t ready for him before.
The usefulness of well delineated boundaries:
- relationships suit what you can really give and not be about invisible expectations
- roles define expectations
- I’m going to say expectations again so you know that this is a big deal for me. As a traumatized person, if my expectations don’t line up with reality I experience a lot of cognitive distortion followed by an inability to control my emotions and sometimes behavior. I need to understand what is going on and what is expected of me.
- I like that the bdsm community is the place in the whole world where people are most required to state their boundaries out loud. And you can’t assume it is ever ok to touch someone. I like that.
Different bdsm relationships and intensities. How ongoing is a relationship to count as serious?
- Owner/boyfriend/dominant/Daddy: the overall relationship lasted four years. The central two years were a 24/7 Owner/property relationship.
- Many people were periodic/ongoing before my marriage. I could not begin to name them all in this space because I don’t have permission. I wouldn’t want to it would be kind of boring to listen to anyway. They were friends. Were they significant? What does that mean? They changed me. I carry pieces of their souls inside of me forever. They gave me pieces of themselves in exchange for pieces of me. I am made up of these experiences.
- The one time scenes are sometimes more important than ongoing play relationships.
- I like cross pollinating sex and/or play with my friendships. So the dividing lines between who is a friend or a play partner and what that means is… muddy.
- The Puppy was my most spectacular failure to date as a D/s relationship and I’m thrilled about that. It was a 9 month thing after I left my Owner and… yeah. The worst bit about it was that he was kind of a selfish bully. There wasn’t serious abuse so I’m thrilled.
- I’ve gotten through D/s relatively undamaged. It has been some of the healthiest emotional relationships of my life
- My husband and I do very carefully negotiated power exchange. Mostly our D/s exchanges work best when we do role play so we have an elaborate arsenal of characters and personas. After 12 years of sex and almost 10 years of marriage it just takes a few words to let us communicate a really elaborate backstory and that feels magical. But we are still scared of exchanging that power in our real lives. I have a really strong need to not live that in front of my kids. I was not raised in a sexually appropriate environment. I need my kids to grow up without ever seeing me behave in a submissive fashion. In my household I’m a bad ass motherfucker and… we are not fucking with that dynamic. So it’s complicated.
- Uhm… I’m getting out to play with other friends lately too. I’m finding that mostly I’m drawn to play with people where we have 10+ years of history. You have to have been my friend in order for me to want to put energy towards you right now. My life is super full. This is super hard to negotiate.
- Dude up in the PNW I’ve known since the beginning. Saw him many times a week for years. Started very sarcastically as “Yes Dad” at munches. Maintained contact through moving. Francesca. Play is intermittent and varying in intensity. Has included sex but doesn’t currently and probably never will again. If he ever asks me to demo bottom again I’m saying yes since my rules permit it again. That’s a-ok by me. He’s the best person with a single tail I’ve ever played with. But sex freaked me out. I just… no. We can’t. It is too real of a Dad relationship for me. It makes me feel really gross and bad. It isn’t the age difference. I fuck other really old people and it’s fine.
- First Daddy/Owner. This was… really cathartic and healing. When we stopped doing M/s we transitioned pretty exclusively to Daddy/daughter play as he parented me towards being able to handle moving out on my own away from him. He didn’t want to marry me and have kids with me. I wanted and needed that out of life so we talked for just shy of a year about the fact that our relationship was ending. It was horribly painful and beautiful and kind. I will be grateful for giving me the safety and security and love he gave me for my entire life.
- Daddy James: We had an intense three month relationship that involved a lot of trailing sex because I don’t like stopping having sex with my top 10. God he’s good in bed. He was a very particular sort of Daddy for me. He is good at doing the physical care taking of a full time father. He was the first adult man to ever really get up and make me breakfast and act like I should be cared for. Maybe in my whole life? It’s been women or no one. He gave me a lot of permission to like sex. Maybe a little too much permission. He really liked the hunting part of my personality and that became a problem. I don’t do well with being liked because I like to promiscuously pick up sex. I like that to be just… something I kinda do that’s ok. An amusing quirk of mine rather than something that I should be doing as performance art in front of them at all times whether I’m feeling interested or not. My libido is a roller coaster. I don’t do very well with people expecting me to be super consistent in my desires. He introduced me to drugs and Burning Man people and a lot of… really intense situations. My early group sex mostly involved him egging it on if not participating. That was complicated. I wanted it… and yet… being pushed towards it was weird. If I had seriously told him to knock it off he would have. But I kinda suck at that. I don’t say no to things. I leave if I don’t like the deal.
- Daddy J has flipped the table on me recently and it went from being a long-term really mellow supportive friendship with a side of occasional caning to being a really intense thing with him fucking me and… oh! Awesome. Ok. So I don’t know what’s going on there but I’m enjoying the ride. He’s been in my life since I was with my Owner… so it’s another slow burn in intensity.
- My husband is a fascinating case study on his own. I am someday going to write whole books dissecting this man because I’m utterly obsessed with him. But for this moment I’ll say that for the first many years of knowing him he was utterly adamant that he would not do Daddy/daughter play and that was a thing. It was sometimes hard for me because it’s a core kink. Much to my chagrin after I wrote a memoir about my incestuous childhood he completely changed his mind. I have mixed feelings about that. But the sex is so hot I choose not to decide to be upset.
- Casual sex daddys. It happens. Sometimes dudes want it and I’m mellow. Ok daddy. But you sure as shit don’t get a capital letter.
- Any list like this has to include my biological father. Since we had sex. For the record, we did not have penis in vagina or anus sex. We had penis in mouth sex and fingers in vagina and anus sex. But given that I was pre-puberty when this happened… you know what… it motherfucking counts as sex. Given that it was accompanied by years of being told that my holes were what I was good for and being specifically fingered in public and trained to not react or make sound… it fucking counts as sex and as highly traumatic sex. My sexual organs were violated against my consent. It has had serious repercussions on my whole life. I’ve had flashbacks, nightmares, physical scarring problems, behavioral problems, emotional problems, and general physical problems all my life because of my childhood. What problems came from what exactly? Well… I’ve been working on mapping that for decades and I’m not sure and I’m not sure I’ll ever really fully understand.
What does the daddy stuff mean to me at this point? Well it is really directly tied to my clit. I was indoctrinated to be interested in my father sexually from early childhood. I prosecuted my biological father and he killed himself after confessing to everything so… I feel weird about the prominence of incestuous play in my life. But you know what… I am who I am. It makes me get off. Orgasming causes my brain to be flooded with positive chemicals and at this point fuck you if you don’t like how I get them. I’ve spent enough years doing really bad things to try and deal with my depression and anxiety and ptsd. If calling someone daddy during sex is better than cutting myself, Hey there daddy. I’m pragmatic about my promiscuity and perversion.
- crucification (spiritual catharsis)
- girl-friends & catharsis
- pectoral lifting
- skull stomping
- breath play and that journey
- Daddy/daughter stuff
- Daddy’s drug dealer
Differences between public and private play.
- There are different kinds of safety. When you are in public you have the safety of an audience. That means there are witnesses. In my opinion witnesses can be both a great thing or a terrible thing. It depends on whose friends they are. I feel safe playing heavily in places where there are people present who will head off anyone who objects and say, “That’s how Krissy plays.” Luckily my friends are good at helping enforce my reality bubble.
- I won’t play that heavily in a crowd of complete strangers unless the person I am playing with is extremely well known and their reputation carries the scene. Somebody has to already be known as kinda scary or I’m careful what I do in public.
- I’ve had a lot of scenes interrupted in dungeons to be told that I shouldn’t be so loud. There is this one epic story of a DM interrupting my scene to tell me to be quiet because I was interrupting the people who were socializing in the dungeon at a party at Castlebar (to show off that I’m an old pervert) and this story has been told in DM training up and down this coast. Don’t do that you dip shit DMs.
- Private play allows for a kind of nuance you can’t have in public. You are less likely to lose things because you can’t hear over the music or the other people playing. It is possible to concentrate more. Some kinds of play are safer. Fluid exchange is questionable in public.
- I like public suspensions because there are people around to help with a problem. That said, I’ve been hanged and you just don’t do that kind of thing in public. People will get really upset. So you have to consider the feelings of your audience.
- I like having sex with complete strangers provided they can negotiate STD test stuff with me to my satisfaction. Public is just flat safer for that.
What do the different kinds of catharsis mean to me? Why are they different? I’ll be honest and say that whereas I can rationalize most play I do after the fact when I’m doing it or when I’m negotiating for it I don’t know exactly why I want it. I may react like an animal in a trap if you ask me why I want something. Blind panic. Or I might confidently say, “Oh I want x because blah blah blah blah (go on for 5 days)” it really depends on how much writing I’ve done on that specific piece of myself. Spiritual catharsis has come in stages. I haven’t mentioned the scenes I’ve done that were less brutal but more emotionally impactful because mostly they’ve happened in private during sex with people I really don’t have permission to talk about.
The problem with being a big slut is that you have to kind of track the boundaries of a lot of different people. The folks who did not want to be written about have mostly filtered themselves out of my life at this point. I miss them but I understand. Trusting me to keep my mouth shut is… questionable? I mean… I can. I keep a lot of secrets. But I talk around them in tortured ways and that probably is hard to hear for the folks I’m talking about. I don’t have permission to talk about most of my queer relationships. The het men I fuck seem to really not care what I say about them. This is a fascinating dynamic for me.
I play with people and have sex with people because I want them to give me permission to be certain aspects of myself I otherwise don’t know how to be while sitting alone in a room. There are parts of a personality that only exist as it relates to other people. I don’t actually ask for permission. It is a symbolic thing. I’m allowed to be this thing if you want me to be it in front of you/with you. I’m supposed to not do this in front of you/not be this in front of you if it bothers you.
Physical catharsis is a real thing. There are layers of letting go of pain and trauma in your body.
Non-bdsm stuff I might want to bring up.
- grief rituals
All of this written where the kids can’t see the screen but they can blab to me while doing chores. Sometimes my brain hurts.
Fuck. I need to stop typing. I can’t write for the lawyer today. Owwwwwwwwwwww.