Why I stay

Right now I’m fairly cranky and I have no idea what the path forward looks like.

But I think there will be one. I think there will be more good things than bad things. I think we will find a way to interact that allows us to hurt one another less. I believe that because it has always been true so far. For more than ten years.

Sometimes we have to have a big screaming fight. Because we’ve both been scared of rocking the boat for a long time. Sometimes the boat has to get rocked.

But we’ll be fine.

I’m not sure why I believe that. Sometimes it seems almost like idiocy. Like the most ridiculous fantasy I’ve ever had. Why in the hell am I stupid enough to think that anything can work out?

Because I have Noah.

One thought on “Why I stay

  1. RoseRed

    He makes you so happy in so many ways…, I’ve been there multiple times. My husband thought it was so groovy that I was poly, maybe because that meant that even though I was seeing this guy who was in an open marriage, I was open to forming a connection with him and fucking Him. Not that it was that easy.

    I think it’s pure primatology. He was being a beta male, getting what he could get by being my best friend, but then when he felt he had a lock on the pussy, he wanted to Lock Down the pussy. It looked like a primal instinct with him. From, “I love that you’re so open and alternative and stuff, that’s what I love About you.” To, “Monogamy, monogamy, monogamy!!!” Lots of awful, long, painful process talks. Lots of negotiation and rules and limitations on what I could do with whom and when. Ugh. When we’re monogamous my sex drive goes AWAY. I can go a year or two without intercourse and be perfectly happy. Masturbation, different story. It drops down to weekly under those conditions. He’d be patient, but my world would get smaller and bleaker. 🙁 He’d eventually have a conversation, “Rose, I can be happy having sex or happy having a clean house, but if the house is a pit And we’re not having sex, that’s kind of a problem.” So I’d clean more. 😉 I’ve never quite figured out why this works this way. My therapist thinks it’s the ADD. But if you and I are the same and you Don’t have ADD… We have so much fucked up history in common, though the Degree is less for me. Your dad was an addict? My parents were alcoholic. I went to 14 schools K-12, more if you count preschool and college. I moved at least twice as often. …a bit more than that. Gifted. Molested, though not penetrated. Creepy controlling dad, controlling and inappropriate (sexually) ‘best friend’ who was two years older. Hmmm, I guess it makes sense that I like to be controlled in scene.

    An aside: I was just listening to your podcast. When I tell ppl about my experiences age 6-8 with Karen, …there’s been quite a streak of inappropriate and guilt inducing arousal from men who are into me. *snort* I told one friend about my little apple’s possible leanings and he had a similar response and now I don’t talk about that so much. Because Ewww. Not with dudes anyway. Girlfriends with whom I process shit, yes. Other moms, that is.

    I can’t even think what else. I have ADD…, that could be associated with novelty seeking. I was sort of molested, that’s associated with hyper and hypo sexuality. I moved too much and didn’t learn to connect normally. Factor? High IQ, also associated with novelty seeking. Who knows. I do know that even when I still REALLY LOVED my husband, if I was shut down to monogamy, my sex drive would go away. 🙁 I’m done with that. There’s no going back. I don’t think anyone could make me get back into that box at this point. I’m so much happier out of that box…. Also, when I’m not monogamous I’ve filled with so much love and so much sexual energy, I want to fuck all the time, I love many ppl. 🙂 My heart is open. It’s good here. <3

    I just have to figure out sleep and work on the caregiver burnout. …those two feed off each other. So funny… you and I spent a few hours together and didn't talk about any of this. heh. too tired probably. Both of us! On that note, goodnight. 🙂

    Reply

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