Important to consider

I have been on this roller coaster for almost 30 years now. My behavior/emotions right now are not really and truly tied to what is happening right now. I just do this. This isn’t rational. This isn’t carefully considered.

This is what triggering means. There are things that… send me round the bend. And I’m going to be on that trip for a bit.

That is what living in a highly traumatized body means. It means that even when I really fucking wish I were just mellow and ok and fine with what is happening sometimes I’m not.

I try as hard as I can to be ok with things. Often to the point of hurting myself because I accept things long past when they are triggering me because I’m so tired of being the whiny baby who needs everything to be all about me.

One of my friends said that I need to identify my core emotions and deal with them because I will never be able to come up with a list of rules that prevent me from feeling like this again.

The only part of that I agree with is that I can’t prevent feeling like this again.

I don’t know that I think that identifying my core emotions matters.

Nothing that is happening now should feel threatening. Nothing that is happening now should feel threatening. Nothing that is happening now should feel threatening. Nothing that is happening now should feel threatening. Nothing that is happening now should feel threatening. Nothing that is happening now should feel threatening. Nothing that is happening now should feel threatening. Nothing that is happening now should feel threatening. Nothing that is happening now should feel threatening. Nothing that is happening now should feel threatening.

Doesn’t matter. I feel like everything I have is about to evaporate. Because I am not good enough to deserve any of it.

I am not good enough to deserve Noah or anything else I have.

Because I am bad. That is what this all feels like it boils down to. If I weren’t so fucking selfish and immature and stupid and petty and bad… I wouldn’t be like this.

I have very strong feelings about how much punishment I deserve for this. That may become a problem. I feel like I am wrecking Noah’s life. I feel like I don’t let him have joy or pleasure or experiences he wants to have.

I feel like I should die so that he actually gets to live. Because I don’t know how much living he will get to do with me standing around. Because I am a contemptuous petty bitch.

I hate myself.

One thought on “Important to consider

  1. Noah

    I’m not sure what the friend meant by “identifying your core emotions.” But I’ll say that my life might be easier if we could tease apart specific reactions and you could tell me which one you were currently having. So maybe that’s the same thing?

    I’m pretty sure there are a lot of shades of reaction I’m not yet catching. Working on it.

    Obviously I don’t agree about you ruining my life, or that you should go away. But we’ve talked about that today.

    Reply

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