On being mentally ill in public

I’ve been documenting my ups and downs for a long time now. This is something that happens. I have a really extreme range of emotions. In order to let people know me I document them about as much as I can. Which means people are invited onto the roller coaster with me.

Which means people always ask what they can do.

Not a whole hell of a lot. This isn’t about you. Even if you are one of the people who is closest to the center of the storm (like Noah) there isn’t a whole hell of a lot someone can do when I’m going up and down like a cork. That is in me and is only kinda sorta barely related to what is happening around me.

In general I do not request nor want major adjustments in life structure or behavior in the people around me because of my volatility. That would become problematic very quickly as I became controlling to everyone nearby.

That’s not more healthy.

Which makes monogamy shit really fucking tricky.

What can you do? Love me when I’m done. Be ok with me taking space. Let me know you’ll be there when I come back. Let me know you don’t hate me because I am riding this roller coaster.

I think that being on this roller coaster means I deserve contempt and abuse. Because I am hurting people by being so fucking difficult.

I am difficult. I do have ridiculously intense emotional reactions to things that logically I believe should not be a big deal.

No one is threatening any part of my life right now. No one put a single toe out of line. No one went a hair over a deliberate boundary.

But I want to die because I believe I am the source of pain for many people and I have absolutely no idea how to stop being that source of pain.

What should someone do for me? Fuck if I know. DON’T THREATEN TO SEND ME TO A HOSPITAL.

That’s the biggest and most important thing. If you want me to feel safe never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever threaten me with hospitalization. In my extremely well considered and educated opinion mental illness is best treated out patient within a supportive community framework which I already god damn have.

You go to hospitals if you are physically ill and you need medicine you can’t get any other way. You go to hospitals for surgery. Otherwise going to a hospital is asking to be hurt.

Don’t threaten me with hospitalization.

Let me stay home and snuggle my kids. Let me hide in my garage and write about my feelings in the safest environment I’ve ever been in.

The people who mostly know me now have never seen anything like the level of panic, fear, and dysregulation that would become dominant if I felt I would be hospitalized against my will again. I am literally not sure I could survive that experience again. I think my body would do anything anything anything anything to make sure I don’t have to live through that again.

You do not understand how traumatizing being in a mental hospital was for me. Any time I feel I am slipping a toe out of line on “how I am supposed to be” that is an undercurrent of why the panic escalates. Not a big piece of it, but it is fucking there.

Don’t hospitalize me. I’m sorry I’m bad. Please don’t punish me any more. Please please please please please don’t punish me more.

I’m sorry I’m bad.

I don’t feel particularly good about inflicting this on the people around me. I feel like it is all my fault. Sometimes the triggers really do seem to be my fault. There is stuff around nonomongamy that I 100% blame myself for opening the door.

It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening. It is my fault this is happening.

I do not blame anyone else. I did this. I hurt myself. I open doors I don’t want opened. Because I want other doors open and things are connected. I bring this on myself.

This is my fault for not being able to keep it in my pants. I deserve to feel pain.

I am not angry with anyone else. I am angry with myself.

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