A little hopeful

Giving space for negotiation was smart. It means that both of us are feeling less reactive and terrified and likely to freak out. It means that today’s conversation doesn’t feel SUPER IMPORTANT because someone has a date tomorrow. We agreed that we would treat the first couple of weeks as just… speculating out loud. In the last week we are going to sit down and write up formal contracts.

Cause I take written agreements fucktastically seriously because I can reference them over and over. That helps.

Today’s conversation was great. Thank goodness for Minecraft. Let the kids have two hours of screen time and we can have a real chat about what we want.

I’m still scared, but it isn’t at a fevered pitch.

I feel like maybe y’all were right. We’ll sit here and grind until we figure this out. We are good at figuring shit out. I feel like we found gratitude again today and that helps. It is nice when we can both point out that we see the hard things the other is doing.

Like Noah working like fuck to manufacture cheerfulness for me. That’s hard for him. He does that for me because it makes my life better.

I do want to owe him for that. He took this thing I liked and worked and worked and worked on it. He isn’t actually the most cheerful person naturally. He’d like to be kind of a cold bastard. But I really need him to bring me up. So he does it. Day after day, year after year. He is my ray of sunshine so that I remember that I have so much to be glad about.

He does it even when he’s kinda depressed. It is such visible strain sometimes. Yes, Noah. I see you. I see how hard you work to be positive and cheerful and bouncy for me.

Thank you.

That’s a huge thing you do. And you do it basically every fucking day. Even when I’m a pain in the ass. Even when I’m depressed. (Ok you falter when I’m being an asshole but that’s  fair.) Even when I’m not putting out much. Even when I’m whining about how you aren’t enough.

You still deliver.

Thank you.

I really like a lot of the suggestions that have rolled past today.

Let’s keep talking. We aren’t writing anything down yet. Too much left to discuss. I’m glad I get to talk about this with you.