Today I wake up feeling happier than I have in a bit. From a mood tracking point of view this is significant.
I was feeling some feelings of potential rejection and I processed them with a nice friend who was all, “Let’s talk context” and then I got full circle to “Shit. I’m acting like a spoiled baby who isn’t being aware of the limitations of the people I like a lot. Knock that crap off.”
Thank you for your patience with my selfishness and self-absorption.
I worry a lot about whether or not I am using my time in the most useful or effective or fun ways.
Sometimes life isn’t about that. Sometimes life is about being with someone when neither of you feel exciting. Sometimes life isn’t about maximizing “Make me have fun today or I’m kicking you to the curb.”
Sometimes life is just sitting together and having dinner and being tired. Because that is where you are. That has to be ok too.
If you like someone, you have to like them all the time. Even when they are tired and don’t have a lot to give. Or you are an asshole.
Ok, I know I’m an asshole… but I try hard to not be that flavor of asshole.
As I sit here mooning over the Sweet Boy Noah is making fun of the fact that I’m not really ready to stop expanding the roster.
But I want to spend the time everyone on the roster already deserves and time is limited. Sometimes the right kind of time to be spent isn’t what you think you want, and it is bonding anyway.
What is the difference between being someone’s friend and using them for sex/play?
I want to be your friend. I like you. I’ve liked you for such a long time.
Ok, but next time it is a date can I ask for at least more kissing and hugging? I’m ok with no sex and play. We are all human animals and we get tired. But I feel like, for me, to call it a date I’d like at least some more kissing and hugging.
I want to be your friend too. But I also want to mack on you because yeah, that’s totally why I’m there. Because I want to be your friend who macks on you. It’s a thing.
The funniest part of chasing so many people right now is how insecure every person is. None of us feel worthy of being liked this much. None of us feel like forsooth someone will like us.
But I like you and you and you and you and you. Near as I can tell you like me back.
How can we work on some of this mythical “self esteem” bullshit I hear so much about? How can your love for me help me love myself and how can my love for you help you love yourself? Can we help one another feel worthy? I don’t know. I want to find out.
It helps with Noah. It really does. Being with Noah has changed me. As much as it hurts my fucking finger, wearing the rock he gave me (err, that I picked out and bought for myself on his dime) has changed how I feel about myself in the world. Because it changes how I’m treated by random people.
Do you know how weird it is for a dirty street kid to have people genuflect because you must be important to be wearing a rock like that? Blows my fucking mind.
Worth is all about games of perception.
I think I’m going to try to have a week off pot. I’m just going to have Abilify in the morning and Klonopin at night.
Wish me luck.