Tonight I told one of my lovers that I was off from the party to go have sex with my husband. He replied that I was a good whore.

Hm. Am I?

I didn’t feel good tonight. I felt… empty of stuff to give. I felt like I was letting my submissive and his partner down.

I had no topping energy in me. I just couldn’t do something to someone. I don’t know why I hit as empty as I did. Part of it is tired, but it is bigger than that. Topping is hard.

Even though I know these two people love me and want to accept anything I want to do… there is something in me that holds me back. I don’t know what they really want. I don’t understand yet. And I’m afraid I was too assertive in how much I wanted to talk when we had a date. “Hi. I know you are here for hot sex but how about if we have an intense conversation about abuse and motivation and history and triggers and…”

What? That doesn’t pass for foreplay in your house?

How well you can roll with the intense conversations decides a lot about our future. That’s why I’m so fanatically loyal to Sarah and Pam and Jenny and Noah. So many hours of intense conversations.

Today someone I had a casual hookup with is writing me to ask me for advice dealing with mental illness in a person close to them. Damn. I don’t even remember telling you that I’m crazy. But here you are. Awesome.

Let me affirm for you that you feel alone but you aren’t. You reached out to me. Because you know you aren’t alone. You know that at least I’m here. I don’t know what it means that I’m here. I don’t know what I have to give.

Tonight I didn’t have a beating to give. I’m sorry.

Instead Cupid palate wrapped me to a board and suspended me. That was fun.

And you know what?! Cupid was all lovey and kissy. PEOPLE ARE SO FUNNY.

We all have off days and the fortitude with which others tolerate those off days makes a big difference in long-term relationships.

My submissive was sweet and tolerant and accepting of the fact that I just didn’t have a beating in me. He was disappointed, but he didn’t complain or criticize. He was supportive. One of the best parts of knowing him for fifteen years is I know that if I can’t do it on one day… another day will come. But I feel like I want to make up for lost time. I want to play hard with him while I can…

But that isn’t how energy works. It really sucks. I can’t just decide to have it.

A little bit I can. A little bit I can fake. Mostly… not so much.

My date with Cupid was not the most exciting date of my whole life.

There will be others, I think. It’s ok that we all have off days.

Is this part of what being a grown up means? We all get to be where we are. It’s ok to not be a perfect performance of the kind of relationship that people want to get. (It occurs to me that part of my trouble with monogamy is balancing what I feel I “owe” Noah and adding people makes that problem worse and not better.)

I feel like Noah and I have done so many shifts lately we are dancing not walking through life. What are we doing?

Alternating having fun with having sex and making each other cry?

I mean… what do you do with your time?

Tomorrow will be lovely. Drive up to get the kids. Then we throw a goodbye luncheon for our dearest Pam who has been claiming she’s leaving for a while now. This week is finally it? I am going to miss her like a phantom limb. This will be hard. I wish her luck on her adventures. I love you. Come home someday. Tell me stories.

(In my whispering voice but I can’t figure out how to make smaller text on wordpress)

Deity is coming over for dinner. I’m not saying more about that.