Sad, scared, but hopeful?

My shrink smiled at me and said, “I know you don’t want to hear this… but these conversations with Noah, though painful, are positive. You two are working through deeper levels of trust than you have been able to access in ten years. Yeah. That’s going to hurt.”

Fuck her.

I’m kidding.

Noah and my shrink have opposite assumptions about how nonmonogamy will go plus a pregnancy. He says, “You will still want all your boys.” She says, “Oh good! So it’s going to be at least a year and a half of you just not wanting anyone else that’ll be convenient.”

I tried having sex with my submissive during my last pregnancy. It… didn’t really go that well. He smelled wrong. (Which is not his fault or any actual criticism of him.) It’s a chemical/pheromone thing. He was the only person I tried to have sex with and it didn’t work. I suspect another pregnancy would be similar. I had the most intense, “I’m only supposed to have sex with my baby daddy” feeling.

There’s a part of me that wishes I felt slutty while pregnant but I haven’t so far in four pregnancies. I have my doubts about that happening this time.

My 2. 4 pregnancies when you add up the weeks? Eek.

My shrink was thrilled when I told her that Noah changed his mind about a third baby when I started saying the word “c-section”. “See! Isn’t he the best man ever! He wouldn’t consider it when you were doing it in a way that made it unlikely you will survive and once it is obvious you are committed to staying with him…. Awwwww.”

I never stopped wanting a baby. I would talk about why it was a bad idea. I would talk about the benefits of not having a baby. I never stopped wanting this child.

My shrink says she is very interested in seeing how the next few years go for me. She’s excited I’m trying so hard to find volition in my sex. That’s global.

I think that’s why things are feeling awkward in a lot of my sex-situations right now. Where is my volition?

I don’t want to lead and I don’t want to do anything I don’t want to do. That’s a bitch.

My shrink says she can understand why Noah is feeling insecure if I’m going out and having better sex. I said, “That’s just it! The sex isn’t better! It’s like a deprivation vacation!”

Uhm, no offense, folks.

Noah knows me inside and out. Noah knows when to fuck faster and when to go slower. He knows when it is time to start playing with my ass. He knows which shift of my shoulders means, “Please pinch my nipple.” He knows how to be mean and how to touch me so gently I feel like I am made of spun glass.

It isn’t that other people fuck me better. They don’t. It is that experiencing variety lets me come home and go, “Oh Goldilocks Penis of my dreams, come here.”

I say he has the Goldilocks Penis because it is the perfect size and shape. Plus I love me some foreskin. Why perfect size and shape? It’s a fit thing. He doesn’t hurt in general. There are only a few days a month and a few positions where my cervix drops enough that sex hurts. With anyone bigger than him… it hurts. I have a low slung cervix. I can deal with that pain mostly… but it’s there. It is something to process with other people.


I mean, I love you just how you are. Ahem.

I partially have so much sex with Noah because eventually I run into friction problems. Eventually.

That’s perfect sex.

I can fuck Noah for 4-6 hours in a day and I’m just barely sore the next day. An hour of fucking Deity and I feel it for a few days. Like owwwwwwwww.

Thank Goodness no one in the current roster is as big as my Owner. Never. Ever. Again.

My internal organs have been beaten about enough. Seriously.

I’m thinking about what you wrote about enmeshment, Noah. I really am.

I’m talking about other cocks. But I’m thinking about you. Like I do. Where is this going? You really don’t want me to have serious relationships. You really want me to only focus on you. And sometimes have sex with my friends.

I can’t argue with any of the points you make. You are right. I don’t want you to stop. I like having you as a supplicant. If in order to have you I must have massive limits around everyone else…

need you like I need air. R wants to punch me in the face for saying I wouldn’t be where I am without you. But I still think it is true. Outside of you, Noah, no one has ever wanted very much of me.

No one in my life right now actually wants very much of me. They want what they want. That very narrow slice. Just that piece. Then they will go back to their life. They will go back to their families.

And I have you. You have given me my first family. My only family. For me to pick anything other than you would be the most self hating decision I have ever made.

You look at Deity and see someone who could replace you. I see someone who is not broken enough to put up with my shit. I see someone who would expect me to change to fit the dynamics of their life. You changed everything for me.

I do not see any replacements for you anywhere on this planet.

I looked.

But I do still want to have sex with my friends. And the occasional stranger.

I don’t know how this is going to work. I don’t want to run the group sex we have and that means you kinda have to run the fuck and that means we can only have sex with people who are more or less ok with the idea that you suggest a lot of stuff during sex. That narrows who we have sex with a lot.

Thank you for your flexibility with suggestions and for your hotness Oh Deity.

Even though your dick is too big it is a wonderful sometimes treat.

How are we going to do this without hurting you or me, Noah? I don’t want to hurt you more. Hearing you talk this morning just about broke my heart. I should not have so much power over anyone. I’m not sure this Krissy-religion is smart if I can hurt you that badly. Oh honey.

But I get it. Ok, so we feel about the same way when it comes to the idea of the other seriously dating.

It feels like all of a sudden we are just marking time until death. Like nothing is important. Like we don’t matter except as a tool of support. God that feeling sucks.

Time to be a parent.