Volition, fucking, and not fucking

My shrink pointed out that for many years I’ve talked about how it doesn’t matter what I want I “have” to have sex ‘x’ times per month. She is very heartened to hear that I’m moving past feeling like that is appropriate.

My dates recently are… not always what I’d expect for sex. I don’t have sex all the times I expect me to. I’m trying to change the model where I am standing near an available person and I push for sex no matter how I feel. If I’m having ambiguous feelings, I’m sitting close to them and seeing what happens. Am I trying to have closer to normal high school dating?

Mostly, no sex.

That’s interesting. This must be closer to what it is like for other people. Maybe?

I’m also really happy that I’ve been able to articulate that lumping kissing in with sex bothers me. For the last few years I have been unable to even kiss my friends hello/goodbye. Ok, kisses on the cheek probably “would have been ok” but I’m a stickler and slippery slopes, etc. I didn’t kiss.

I want to kiss. Kissing feels like bonding with friends. I don’t have to go all the way. Oxytocin, baby. I need a lot of it. If someone doesn’t want to kiss me first and start the oxytocin loop… I feel severely inhibited. I feel like I will be forcing.

Even when it is so obvious this hot girl wants me to kiss her and she’s leaning in inches from my face.

If you don’t kiss me I don’t have permission. I’m not doing so hot at being the one to initiate.

I did with Cupid and I felt wracked with guilt. I felt like I pushed him past several boundaries and that makes me scummy.  I was so happy when he chose to kiss me last weekend. I assumed he just wouldn’t. I was wearing lipstick and that makes me less interesting from his point of view. Thank you.

I know I have the invitation to initiate with some folks. You don’t know how hard that is sometimes.

I know Deity likes me fine. I know that when we get together he’s ok with me being frisky. If I move towards him and he creates space I have to struggle to not freak out. It is a conscious effort.

I’m not rational about this shit.

With Daddy I have the most in-person-comfort with him liking me just fine without sex compared to the rest of my friends-who-are-fucking-me-right-now. I’ve spent a lot of hours over many years around him and the sex part is brand new. I think that if he hadn’t grabbed me by the back of the neck and dragged me to bed… I could have stalled out on that interest forever. Even though I do feel comfortable initiating mild kisses.

I’m so weird.

Goodness I’m looking forward to a group date with Daddy. He’s… hawt. And (mumble things that I don’t have the right to talk about in public) so I’m extra excited about getting Noah and Daddy at the same time! Holy tomato! This… this will have to wait until I’m riding the waves of masochism high. Because they are going to hurt me. I’m looking forward to it, but not yet. I’m still feeling like blood loss and med adjustment and funk.

I love you all so much for your patience.

That’s one of the most obnoxious, most consistent pieces of dealing with me. You’ll need a lot of patience.

Today is easy. All I have planned today is a nursery run, (small one), more work towards the painting of the kitchen. Today I take down all the hardware and cabinets and start sanding the shit out of the walls. This’ll be messy. I’m excited. You have no idea. I’ve been looking at this kitchen and internally wailing “But it looks terrible” for years. Must fix.

So, stop using spoons, wench.