Love and thank you

Yesterday I started off being passive aggressive. Then I got direct and everything kinda fell into place like magic. Wow.

I sent an email to folks Noah and I are seeing and said “If you are just a friend banging me this isn’t a hoop you need to jump over. But if you are romantically serious…. everyone I’ve ever dated has met my Dad.”

It’s kind of funny to realize. No really my Dad has met most of my even barely serious partners. Usually he’s supportive and sometimes he tells me DTMFA. (He’s always right.)

Wait. Wait. You mean I really did manage to turn this nasty old pervert into a protective father for me?! Because I did. I’m like a hybrid between his normal “daughters” who are perverted girlfriends who do nasty shit around the dynamic and his bio kids.

It’s weird. It’s a little creepy. It is deeply comfortable, loving, and supportive. This relationship has had the boundaries I needed it to have. Thank you. I love you so much, Dad. I love you with the love of an abandoned little kid who didn’t find a Dad until 18. In the Power Exchange. Yelling, “Hey you. Come here. We need bottoms.” Oh my life.

I’m a nasty pervert too.

And much to my surprise the only person who isn’t coming to dinner is someone whose other partner is having surgery. Great reason. That’s so much more important. Take care of her.

This is surprising to me. I didn’t expect to kinda turn to so many people and say, “Are you serious?” and just get a resounding “Yup.” I thought half the group would show up. I absolutely counted on my submissive saying yes. Beyond that I wasn’t sure. Oh how pleasant. I feel positively giddy.

And Sweet Boy emailed me to say he is going to try to go to the Citadel on the 25th because he won’t get another chance to see me any time soon.

I feel… overwhelmed with wonderful, beautiful love.

And I should introduce someone else. Because he’s come over three times now. I’m going to call him Quiet One. Because in my crowd he’s distinctive. I can’t say much about him because I haven’t asked permission. He isn’t interested in group dating and I told him flat out I won’t be dating him solo. I don’t have time. My dates are spoken for. But he’s coming to dinner and over for walks and working on projects. So I dinno. He exists in an interesting vanilla friendship with enormous tension land. I clearly don’t have free time. But he comes over on his own! He suggests it cause he is nearby!

None of my other folks do that. They all live too far away and getting here is arduous and takes specific arranging. So spontaneous just doesn’t happen. How much of relationships are proximity?

Really anyone who will invite themselves to a work party is someone I’m ok knowing. I just am.

What does seriously dating mean anyway? I think for me it won’t need to happen more than four times a year. It’s going to be more about intensity and connection that frequency. Lots of people I see often… I’m not that serious about.

In March I told Noah not to worry about me dating these people because it’s not like I’d still be seeing any of them at the end of the year because they will all lose interest in me.

Uhm, meeting Dad in June because they are kinda serious about still dating me later…

There are a lot of stories I tell myself. I believe them. Noah thinks of them as lies, which seems reasonable. I don’t believe people will want me around for very long. I don’t think people can tolerate my company very long. I think people get sick of me and need huge long breaks from being physically near me in order to intellectually keep knowing me.

These are stories I tell myself.

But then why in the fuck did Sarah come back?

Because she loves me. Because she finds some value in my companionship and company.

Oh.

I was being kind of an asshole last night. I told Noah that it was kinda his fault Deity is turning out so serious. I wanted Deity to be in kind of the same spot Muse was in. I attempted to sorta script that. Noah looked at me. He indicated strongly that he did not think it would have worked out the way it did with Muse. He thinks Deity just would have spurred conversations earlier. Not with how good he is.

I even blushed in acknowledgment of how ridiculous I was. Yeah. God damn he is hot. It wouldn’t have been like Muse. Muse didn’t want me and that’s cool. He has a type. Deity is not like Muse. I don’t know if he has a type as much, but I definitely uhh fall closer to his interests.

So yeah. I tell these lies.

You’re right. If I had sucked Deity’s cock four years ago… he would still be in the top 5 and welcome back any time he asks.

Yeah. You’re right Noah.

Why do I want to perceive these things wrong? Maybe I want to believe I have more loyalty to Noah than I have? Is this about loyalty or disloyalty?

I grew up in a family where I was told over and over “You are for me or against me. Period.” You never ever act against the interests of someone if you are on their side. You burn everything down if they tell you to even if you are shooting yourself in the foot. You just do it.

Nuance has come hard and slow and in inches for me. Like, Jenny didn’t post on Twitter for a few days cause she wasn’t feeling well and I freak all the way out.

Nuance is hard.

I expect rejection everywhere, from every source unless people are chasing hard. Then I feel safe. For a few minutes at least.

I expect rejection everywhere from everyone. Which is quite ridiculous at this stage. I get rejected sometimes by some people and all the time by other people. You know what? That strikes me as healthy. No one is universally loved. I am far more loved than I have any right to be.

Here is something that other people offer that Noah doesn’t: making out. Noah doesn’t make out. Noah kisses then fucks. I’m sure he could be taught but it would take energy and we work on so many things that we have frankly never prioritized the making out.

But other people make out with me. Other people think that is all they can get and that the boundary beyond kissing is made out of stone. So there is the opposite of pressure to go further. There is this fantastic relaxing into this is what we are doing.

Oh I love kissing. Oxytocin. Oxytocin. Oxytocin. I love it so much I typed it three times instead of using cut’n’paste like normal. That important.

I feel like if I could make out for a solid hour every day I wouldn’t need so much mood elevating drugs. But it isn’t the same as sex. Sex is different. It does involve oxytocin, sure, but it’s also a lot more strain on my physical system.

Right this minute I’m torn (ha ha) because I sorta want to go back and initiate sex but I hurt. My cunt is so raw still. I need to heal. This is the problem. If I’m not up for sex I physically avoid him and we don’t do the oxytocin exchanges because he feels frustrated by them. I don’t want to initiate sex. I want to snuggle and rub and kiss. But that won’t happen. So either I do nothing or I do everything. This is what I mean by volition problems, Noah. I don’t know how to negotiate this with you. From our first fucking date you’ve treated limits like they are to be pushed on.

Sometimes I just want to snuggle and make out. I don’t always want friction on my delicate parts. I think that was probably always true and I’m just figuring out to say it? Although I feel like this may be one I’ve bitched about before. I’ll check with my shrink.

That’s the advantage to other people. They have no entitlement to my pussy. They think they don’t get to have it unless I say so. When I kiss them they act like they get access to my mouth. Maybe running hands up and down the back or arms. They don’t get more aggressive. It can stay at that level as long as I want it to. That’s allowed to be the whole point.

Oxytocin in my friend.

I’ve never dated someone who would make out. I always date people who say, “You’re kissing me. That means it is sex now.”

Dating while married has, in many ways, the safety of dating from ones parents home… if ones parents give a shit about you. If the people you are dating believe that anyone in the world cares about what happens to you.

It’s different.

The birds are so loud in my yard now. Loud sounds like a derogatory way to describe them but I don’t mean it that way. My yard is becoming home and they talk here. I like it.

I think I’m ready to try to sleep again. I’m tired.

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